LastBestAngryManToyReview

30th Anniversary Wave 4 and Etc.

2011-12-30T22:12:00.019-05:00

Yeah, it's been a while. In my defense, since the last time I posted here I've written over 100,000 thousand words of prose, some poems, plus started a whole new school year wherein I am expected to work for more than 40 hours a week. It really is the fucking worst. Obviously I should just be able to bullshit on here forever. Alas, it is not (yet) to be, but, dear devoted readers, here are some half-assed pictures and quarter-assed reviews of recent G.I. Joe Releases, starting with the Joe characters from the 30th Anniversary, Wave 4.

Airtight

I LOVED Airtight as a kid. As an adult, I guess it doesn't make a ton of sense that G.I. Joe has its own Chemical, Biological, and Nuclear Environment Specialist, but what the hell, they have many ninja, a samurai, a psychologist, a hostage negotiator, a disguise expert, a vet, and who knows what else. Although, to be fair, I do know that real special forces sometimes had a psychologist on board if they could swing it. And, let's be honest; they could create 'G.I. Joe Company Clerk, Codename 'Radar,' and if it looked sharp, I'd buy it - I am that guy. And this Airtight looks more than sharp, he looks awesome, and he comes with sweet accessories and a removable helmet (big improvement over the original) and he just LOOKS like a nerd named Kurt Schurr, only kind of angry badass nerd who will fuck you up if you make with the chemical weapons.

How much cash you figure Airtight has rung up on long, lonely deployments with the 'special' attachment he rigged up on his vacuum rifle? Also, what the hell does a vacuum rifle even do?

This is such a faithful recreation of the original pack and weapon I am just staggered by it. Also based on the design I do wonder if the rifle/vacuum thing isn't meant to disperse potential C/B/R threats by, uhm, blowing them? I was just drunk enough to make that seem like a viable option, yet sober enough to realize that sounds really fucking stupid. Anyway, I guess the Joes WOULD need a Chem-Bio-Radio guy given that Cobra is likely to play as dirty as a Tijuana hooker.

Given that, his head and torso sculpt make awesome sense.

I'm reminded of Dustin Hoffman in Outbreak.

If Dustin Hoffman in Outbreak had a shotgun, anyway.

LBAM Rating: I'm not even sure how to rate this most recent wave. They are ALL amazing. How can I give Airtight less than a perfect rating? If I am rating it based on the idea that it is an update of the original figure, it cannot possibly be less than a 10; if I am rating it as a Pursuit of Cobra figure, well, perhaps it's a tad less detailed (but only a tad) and slightly less modern, but how could it be less than an 8 even at that? Let's call it: a 9.0/10.

Law and Order

This figure occupies a kind of interesting middle ground between Pursuit of Cobra and Renegades. My personal feeling is that Renegades deserved better, both as a show and as a toy-line, but obviously Hasbro's confidence wasn't with it from the beginning, and I think the clear similarities between the plot of the upcoming Joe sequel film and the cartoon can't be overlooked. That being said, it's hard to know where precisely to classify this figure, but no matter what, it's a quality update to any collection.

Out-cutingOut-cuting Timber, Polly, Max, Sandstorm, Mutt, and whatever the fuck Deep Six's Dolphin's name was since 2011.

Seriously, this is easily the most detailed and best sculpted Joe animal companion ever. Just lookit that flak vest!!

I'd put one of these on my cats just to put pictures on Facebook of it.

Also, instead of a gimmick articulation like Rise of Cobra Timber had, you can actually pose Order's head all over the place.

Law is one intensely old and ugly looking dude. Seriously. He could scare children for a living. I gather that cops can age pretty quick due to stresses of the job, and that military cops might just have it worse. Even so, this dude looks like his face is melting.

The detail on this vest is pretty fantastic, and definitely allows Law to fit into the PoC aesthetic if you wish him to. I will be happy to see it reappear throughout the subscription, and possibly the Retaliation line - I doubt that its appearance on Surefire will be its last.

I like shotguns. I hope to see this one again. I also like that Law came loaded with accessories; helmet, shotgun, SMG, pistol with silencer, revolver, handcuffs, riot visor. He is missing a nightstick but I'm pretty sure a Renegades Cobra trooper can spare one if I simply MUST have for him. My question is, do I display Law with the Renegades or with PoC? The best answer, probably, is to get a second one and say "both." But we'll see. This figure does make me pine for a second season of Renegades, where we surely would've seen the core team recruit Law, Shipwreck, Breaker, Airtight, Doc, Steeler....it's too depressing to really think too much about.

LBAM Rating: 8.8/10. Dude is too ugly to make a 9.

Lifeline

In all seriousness, what can I say that this picture doesn't?

I have to admit, I am a bit torn on this Lifeline - should a figure represent his characterization as a committed pacifist or not? On the one hand, my first instinct is to say that a unit like G.I. Joe needs everyone to carry a weapon; on the other, after doing a little research, I would say that, rifle or not, there are no better examples of bravery or service than Desmond Doss, Thomas W. Bennet, or Joseph G. LaPointe, Jr.

I think Generals Joes may have already suggested this, but perhaps Lifeline picks up a rifle to fend off Cobra Zombies, who aren't precisely alive? It is, perhaps, splitting hairs, but the beauty of the zombie apocalypse scenario is that it allows for all kinds of moral quandaries...and the guilt-free slaughter of our annoying neighbors.

That is the LAST TIME his dog shits on my lawn.

Really, the Joes do need more medical personnel to pair up with Doc. And boy does Lifeline come equipped for that.

There isn't really anything I can add to those pictures. Either you like awesome figures and will love Lifeline, or you hate everything that is fun and you can just go straight to hell.
LBAM Rating: 10/10. No, he isn't Low-Light, or the Ultimate Snake-Eyes, but for Lifeline, he is PERFECT.

Sci-Fi

Perfect update of the original. Period. Whether you like the original or not is a separate issue; but as an update OF the original, this is unbeatable. I happen to like the original, and as a self-admitted sucker for new Joe characters, I love this figure. LOVE. Possibly my favorite of this wave, in all honesty. I loved the original Sci-Fi as well; in my childhood battles he was constantly picking Cobra aircraft out of the sky. Perhaps I was predicting lasering? You know what else about this update of Sci-Fi?

He will fuck you up. Seriously, look at that blank, black expanse of visor and tell me how you can draw any conclusion other than that he will fucking end you?

There is no remorse here. No mercy. No compassion. Only endless fucking. Of you. UP.

Dude looks like he has been through the shit. Really.

Detail.

Posability. Also a drastically improved rifle from the original.
I wonder, are those battery packs for his rifle? Does every step charge them up? If so, shouldn't there be some connection to his backpack? Perhaps it's the opposite - perhaps they are some kind of static discharge device to keep him from blowing the fuck up. Either way, it's a cool detail, though I do worry about how well those cords will age and whether they might snap in time. Also, I must say, I am glad that he is firmly based on the original Sci-Fi. Goofy though that version may have been, the following versions are far goofier; V2 just looked boring, and the succeeding Star Brigade versions were all fucking terrible, because Star Brigade was the worst thing to happen to G.I. Joe that wasn't Eco-Force (which is in a category of terrible all its own, though, to his eternal credit, when handed that pile of crap for the comics, Larry Hama gave it his best shot and made readable stories anyway).

LBAM Rating: 10/10. Yeah. It's perfect. I suppose if you hate fun and things that are awesome you might disagree.

Storm Shadow

FUCK!!!

I DON'T EVEN

WHUTT

!!!!!

JEEBUS FRUITCAKE CHRIST

It's fine if you don't like G.I. Joe. It's fine if you don't collect toys; it's fine if you DO collect toys but not G.I. Joe. But if on the intersecting part of the venn diagram of "toy collector" and "G.I. Joe Fan" we can find you, and you don't like this figure, well...go fuck yourself.

LBAM Rating: A billion/10.

Techno Viper

I forgot to take a picture of his traffic cone. Which is actually kind of cool. Whatever; it's late and I'm drunk. The Techno-Viper is yet another awesome Cobra Troop type, joining the Viper, the Alley-Viper, Shock-Trooper, Hazard-Viper, Iron Grenadier, and Zombie-Viper. It's almost overwhelming. It is also a note-perfect update, YET AGAIN. Hasbro is just knocking pitch after pitch out of the fucking park.

LBAM Rating: 10/10. I need a new rating system; all the newest figures are just too awesome.

Zombie Viper

Not entirely sure where I stand on Zombies as current pop-culture craze. I enjoy The Walking Dead as a comic but I'm not gaga over it; the TV show sucks, frankly - it suffers from the notion that characters will always do whatever the writers think will be most dramatic, not what their characterization indicates they SHOULD do.

I like the idea that Cobra might know full well what its "Compound Z" could do, and yet would deliberately infect a bunch of its troopers anyway.

That's pretty awesome zombie face right there. I suppose I wish the figure was colored more like a traditional Cobra trooper; blue or even black or grey, rather than green. That might lend itself to the notion that Cobra is just deliberately infecting its troops.

I love this harness, and wish two things; one, that the Viper came with three canisters, which it was clearly designed to, and that I took a better shot of its tattered edges; the idea that the Zombie Vipers were restrained, but tore loose, is well represented, and leads a dynamic edge to the figure.

I don't know what the fuck is going on with these crazy tentacle arms. I don't much like them and don't plan to display my Zombie figures with them, because they seem pretty far out of the Zombie-Viper theme.

LBAM Rating: 8.8/10. Very solid. Could use more interesting accessories, but I'd like to find a couple more.

In the end, if this is all there is of the 30th Anniversary, we certainly can only complain that there isn't more of it; it produced very little that wasn't fantastic, and almost nothing that wasn't at least pretty damn good. I imagine some unused 30th tooling/figures/concepts will find their way into the Retaliation line, and I am sure we'll see much of this tooling again.

Pursuit of Cobra Wave 5? 6? THE ONE WITH STEEL BRIGADE ARGH

2011-06-26T18:11:00.021-04:00

So I guess I never reviewed the Shock Trooper? I bought like 8 of them but never reviewed 'em. Not sure what's wrong with me. Anyway, it's turned out to be a seriously versatile base tooling, wonderfully articulated, and of course, a shit ton of accessories. So here are some terrible pictures of them.

I actually really love the gasmask/helmet combo, I just wish it was sturdier.
LBAM Rating: 9.1/10
Nitpick: HOLSTERS GODDAMMIT. Several flavors of turtle viper came with holsters, but not these guys? BOO.

Cobra Commander

I like it when Cobra Commander classes it up a little, ya know? Capes, scepters, staves...in fact, I'd even enjoy it if he had a little orb and a crown, like he was sitting for an official portrait. That said, I feel like this CC is an interesting mix of classy and action-ready...battefield chic, if you will. The jacket has an armored feel to it that I appreciate.

Not entirely sure what the deal is with all those sculpted straps

Ohmygod why is this review so boring. DIE NERD.

Well, I suppose I can't help it. No matter what you do at this point with a Cobra Commander figure, it's probably not going to be the most thrilling in any wave. His look is so ingrained at this point that the Nerd Horde will scream bloody murder if you change it too much (look at the largely-superior-to-this versions that preceded this and how warmly they were received as CC) and this sort of hand-cuffs the designers. I think they did the best they could to bring some new elements in while also staying true to the original. Blah blah blah.

I love the impulse with these PoC figures to absolutely load them down with accessories, but let's take an honest look at these; none of them are new, sure, all of them have appeared before, mostly with other CC figures. What is the point of including the two M.A.S.S. Device related pieces, the cube and the cylinder? The bomb, I guess some folks missed that, the dagger and sword are always nice, the hair dryer gun...can we get CC a new weapon, please? I love the impulse, as I said, but I like the accessory choices to make more sense than this, or to bring something new. Oh and the cloak, which really doesn't fit well on this particular CC, given the wide collar. I do dig the sculpted ascot, though I'd like it more with paint apps.

LBAM Rating: 6.5/10

Cobra Soldier

I never thought I'd be all that excited over a new version of the ol' Cobra blueshirt. I mean, how exciting can one be?

GUNS UP, LET'S DO THIS THING.

Turns out, more exciting than I thought. You throw the W3 Snake-Eyes tooling together with the Shock Trooper, and you'd be hard pressed NOT to get something awesome. I think they did a pretty decent job here, and I say that as a guy who is a bigger fan of the various flavors of Viper than I am the basic trooper.

However, this has got to be the first time a blueshirt is capable of assuming a decent firing pose with a Marauder Inc Dragunov,

EUREKA.

Is there any reason these new wrists shouldn't be standard on almost every figure? No? Good. MAKE IT SO.

He doesn't look bad with other weapons, either.
LBAM Rating: 8.2/10. I could build a squad of these, but at the same time, they don't fill me with the same desire to do so as the Alley Viper or Shock Trooper.

Jungle B.A.T.

This is a figure that doesn't make a lot of sense to me, especially in the Jungle theme as so far established. You've got stealth-suited snipers and a dreadlocked bow-hunting/edged weapon freak...and you're gonna support them with a stupid loud robot and a giant minigun?

I didn't even get a good picture of the B.A.T. holding the minigun because its hands are so soft and warped, and the handles so soft and warped from the packaging, that mine can barely hold the damn gun. And frankly this figure isn't exciting enough to be worth the trouble. Blah. Yeah, its got a shit ton of accessories, but his mangled hands can't hold most of them. Also...WHY IS ITS HEAD PAINTED BLACK? The underside of both heads appear to be green...this indicates that its been painted black, right? Why isn't it green?

Don't let this pic fool you; those hands dropped that AK and machete as soon as I blew on them.

LBAM Rating: 4/10. Easily, for me, the lowpoint of the PoC line (aside from straight re-releases like Croc Master and Blowtorch, which can still be redeemed with their running changes).
This is the filler-est figure of what's mainly...mainly, I say...a filler wave. Fail.

General Hawk

I'm definitely more a fan of Joes than I am of Cobras, and I've been really pleased throughout PoC with how many of the looks incorporate instantly recognizable traits of the character with new touches that make them interesting and memorable. I think this new General Hawk easily qualifies - the helmet, goggles, shoulder holster, all major components of Hawk's look. I know there are some who probably prefer the 1982 green-shirt Hawk, but I've always preferred the bomber jacket (though frankly, changing his hair color was really dumb), and I'd prefer if this Hawk was blonde).

The versatile and understated color scheme doesn't really constrict this figure to any particular environment or theme. I dig the Resolute webgear...one of the best facets of the Resolute sets was the fantastic webgear and I'm glad to see it getting re-used.

If the nerd keeps writing this as though it were a serious review, and doesn't include some funny captions,
I swear to Christ I'll blow up this fucking suitcase bomb. I'll do it.
What do I have to live for? In almost 30 years and half a dozen goddamn continuities, have you ever seen me get laid? Huh?
Do I have kids? Do I even have a fucking hobby? Do I like anything besides killing terrorists? Am I just that kind of asshole?
In the new IDW comic it sure seems like I might get to nail that Dial-Tone chick, though. That'd be sweet. I love nerd girls with glasses.
Longest caption ever? Longest caption ever.

Once again, Hawk makes empty threats about going out to the Chaplain's Assistant school, closing his eyes, and pulling the triggers until they go click. Hawk hates those book-reading, chess playing, tea-drinking namby pambies almost as much as he hates Cobra.

Once again, while I love the big spread of gear, some of it is a bit random, I suppose. I sure am glad that Resolute Destro suitcase is back. The movie Hawk rifle is decent but there's not even a little chance that this Hawk can hold it. The sidearm he's been given sucks and is being replaced by a Marauder Inc., piece, post-haste.
LBAM Rating: 8/10. A good figure, not a great one. But solid, and fits well in the PoC aesthetic. May very well work better for other people as not-Hawk. Grunt, anyone? A headswap makes Footloose? Just idle thoughts.

Steel Brigade

Review in 10 words or less:

Steel Brigade is fucking awesome. If you disagree, you're wrong.

Note the missing paint around the kneepad on this one. Third PoC figure I've gotten with missing paint apps - W3 Duke, Temple Snakes, this guy. Whatever. He's still awesome.

LBAM Rating: Awesome/10. This is what SMART reuse of parts and repainting can bring to the line. Every time some neckbeard whines about repaints and part-swaps I am just gonna link to this here post, which is all the evidence I need to show that they are wrong. Steel Brigade is probably the third best Joe figure in this line after Snake-Eyes and Low-Light and there isn't a new part on him; Shock Trooper arms and legs+Pit Trooper Helmet+Beachhead torso and head+Shocktrooper vest+assorted gear=AWESOME.

That wraps it up. May get to some other reviews in the coming days. May not. It's really a crapshoot.

Wave 5 or 6 or

2011-05-31T19:21:00.025-04:00

fuck it man, I don't even know anymore.

So I guess technically this is wave 6, right? But it came out BEFORE wave 5?!?. So does that make it wave 5? Or does it mean that 6 now comes before 5? OH MY GOD MATH IS A LIE.

BOOOSH. MIND. BLOWN.

So here's some overlit pictures with my special witty commentary. You know you love it.

IRON GRENADIER

Is there a more badass name for any private army out there in fiction or comics than "Iron Grenadiers?"

No. No there is not. And who is that army headed by?

James McCullen Destro XXIV.

What's in the case? His fucking ashtray money, that's what.

The IG Destro is still my favorite design for the character, though there have been some good and some great. I guess he doesn't really match the PoC Aesthetic of his guards here, but regardless, I like him better than the PoC Destros released so far. Anyway, this is about the IGs, and they are pretty fantastic.

Yeah, you're 2 seconds away from liquify. Go ahead and start running if it'll make you feel any better.
Also, yes, I mismatched the way the ammo boxes were set up. And yes, I only noticed it after I had put away the photo stuff. And yes, it is annoying the fuck out of me.

Yeah, he uses pretty much all the same tooling as Ca$h Money Destro, with the IG head. But he wears it a little better; I think most fans agreed that Urban Destro would make a great troopbuilder. And it does. They also definitely fixed the issues with the big pauldron; it stays fixed in place now, and I suppose it restricts some of the arm movement, but there's enough there.

Within that is your utter subjugation.

The smartgun could probably use a stabilizer arm, and the lack of it leaves a big empty hole in the webgear. But it's a pretty sweet heavy gun, all things considered.

Obligatory gear shot.

Oh and there's also this thing. Fucked if I know why he even has it.

LBAM Rating: 8/10. Solid, not spectacular. Two of them probably get it done for my collection, barring some great sale.
Nitpicks: I'd prefer to stick a black/gold color scheme with less red; he isn't super posable when all geared up but he gets the job done.

Rock Viper

You'll note the Rock Viper pictured here is not wearing his standard issue helmet. And do you know WHY?

That's fucking why. Terrible.

You know, there isn't much to say about this figure. There are nods to the original, but the head&helmet are wrong, wrong, wrong. I'm not saying they NEEDED to do a new head but this one wasn't the right decision. It just wasn't. It's not a VIPER, ya know? Vipers have chrome faceplates or masks or helmets that imply technology, madness, and badassery in equal measure. This head just says "dude in a balaclava." Totally the wrong decision.

Why does he have a goddamn spear, exactly? Anyone?

This figure is already boring me. It isn't a complete failure, but the lower legs, lower arms, and head are WRONG WRONG WRONG. SO WRONG.

LBAM Rating: 5/10. Five points of missed potential.

Cobra Viper

Yeah, I took away the dumb, slightly re-molded Viper rifle he came with and replaced it with a Shock Trooper AK. Why? Because it's better, and he can actually hold and pose with it.

Let's see, what were the problems with the original 25th Viper? Non-chromed face. Fixed. Bad wrists. Fixed. Crappy ankles. FIXED. Yeah, this Viper is better, more modern, sleeker, cooler. No, not quite accurate to the original, I suppose.

You can kinda see my hand in the chrome. OH NO. MY IDENTITY IS COMPROMISED. Get the special pills, crush them into the cat's water fountain. OUR ASCENT TO TRUE EXISTENCE BEGINS NOW.

I like this Resolute launcher but it's a little, well...it's sorta reminiscent of a dog's wang, ain't it?

Try to do this with your 25th Vipers and watch their ankles and wrists snap.

I like this figure, yes, but I don't love it.

That Shock Trooper tooling is pretty versatile, ya gotta admit.

LBAM Rating: 7/10. One will do for me.

Croc Master

Uh, didn't I already do this one? Seriously folks.

CAT BREAK

No, he isn't stoned. He looks like that all the time.
Only, if you got that close in real life, he'd already be licking the first layer of skin off your nose.

Crazylegs

You know what, I really dug the original Crazylegs, and I'm really glad to add him to my 25th Anniversary collection. And you know what? This IS a 25th Anniversary figure. Let's make no mistake about that. I think it uses all 25th tooling, even; ok, the gun is from RoC, as is the Sandstorm head.

Red doesn't seem like a great color for a soldier who wants to live through a fight, does it?

And see, that's another reason why I say this is really a 25th and not a PoC figure. It doesn't embrace the modernized, more realistic PoC aesthetic at all. A PoC Crazylegs wouldn't be red, he wouldn't have a permanent parachute, etc. Now, this is not a knock on the figure; he's going right onto the shelves with his 25thAnn. comrades, and I love that Crazylegs got some love (I'd also love to see a Night Force revival, and maybe with the upcoming Club subscription service...who knows? He's probably too new for that, though). Anyway, it's a very solid and welcome entry and all classic Joe fans should probably get one.

LBAM Rating: 8.5/10. A very good figure, accessories could've been sharper, and the hole in his chest filled in, but these aren't deal breakers.

Temple Guardian Snake-Eyes

Ok, Joe nerds, I have something to tell you you aren't gonna like. This here re-release of Snake-Eyes, while totally unnecessary and at first maybe a disappointment...it...it doesn't suck.

There. I said it. IT DOESN'T SUCK.

Seriously, these are some of the best martial arts/ninja accessories any Joe figure has yet come with, the figure is crazy posable, and the paint detailing is stellar. Seriously. Just look.

KICKED.

ENGRAVED. Or, uh...is it EMBOSSED?

Look at all that stuff. I know you don't want another Snake-Eyes, but this figure is EASILY Slice or Dice if you want it to be. JUST GO GET IT ARGH.

ARGH SWORDS WHAT STOP CRYING NERDS

I know, I know you don't want another Snake-Eyes. I know that it is not close to the perfection that is the Wave 3 Snake-Eyes. I get it. But don't let that stop you. This is a damned good figure, probably the second best in this wave, third at worst, and I may grab a second in order to have both Slice AND Dice. It's not the worst idea. Except that the instant I commit to making any kind of custom, Hasbro immediately announces the release of said character in some form. It's a goddamned charm (uh, except for Jinx and Mayday I guess, who are clearly never getting made)***

Also mine is missing paint but whatever, ARGH, JUST ACCEPT THAT IT IS DECENT.

Why won't you love me?

LBAM Rating: 8/10. Seriously guys, this figure is worth the time for the accessories, the posability, the possibility. I think this figure would be a big hit with kids, too. Honestly. A lot of weapons but they aren't tiny fiddly bits that get lost; cool, intriguing design. Can be a good OR a bad guy, depending on the kid.

***It's a CLASSIC double twist hex. TRUST ME. Can't fail. Ok, it probably can, because Mayday will never happen, but Jinx? MAKE IT HAPPEN HASBRO.

Pursuit of Cobra Wave 4: Destro and Shadow Tracker

2011-01-29T21:22:00.006-05:00

Pursuit of Cobra Wave 4: The Villains

Shadow Tracker

Please, IDW, get cracking on an Origins issue for this guy. PLEASE.

A character with a design this intriguing needs better info than his paltry file card contains. Yeah, the contemporary file cards are a real problem. An improvement over RoC, yes, but still not enough; there's no sense of the character's origins, personality, goals, relationships, nothing. So Shadow Tracker, as awesome as he looks, is kind of a blank slate. That being the case, I will send a prize to the commenter who writes the best old-school filecard for Shadow Tracker; it must contain a real name, birthplace, some commentary on his history, personality, goals, and a quote from either a fellow Cobra operative or a Joe enemy.

I love that throwing knife. And yes, to the best of my knowledge, it is a throwing weapon, similar to a bunch of throwing knives of African origins; the purpose of a weapon like that is to combine the mass of something like a throwing axe with the aerodynamics/'sticking' potential of a shuriken or similar weapon; basically by angling the points like so, there is a good chance of landing one in a target. Furthermore, this weapon would be much, much heavier than a typical throwing knife, and thus would make a deeper, more severe wound.

Awesome.

He's on Destro's hockey team. See below.

New wrist construction; two-handed weapon grips.

He comes with so many weapons I'm not sure what to do with them all. He DOES have, technically, four spots to hold them; thigh, backpack, webgear, and...spear?

Why does the spear have a hole in it? More importantly, why is the hole in the spear the perfect size for any of his pegged accessories? Let's investigate, shall we?

I don't think so.

Definitely not.

Maybe? I mean I took this to be a low-tech flail of some kind, but I guess it could be...decoration for the spear? I've tried to peg any of these things through the spear and into another one of the holes, on his thigh or his back or his webgear, but that doesn't seem to work either. Yet the functionality is clearly there so...what's the point?

Baffling design aspect aside, this figure is more awesome than you are. Period.

LBAM Rating: 10/10. I've loved this figure since it debuted a fair long time ago. The execution is, in my estimation, perfect.

Destro

This Destro will fuck you up. That's all there really is to it. As far as Wv4 Destro is concerned, your fucking kidneys have an appointment with his fucking mini-gun.

And yeah, I know, I know that it is impossible for any human being to actually fire a mini-gun. The force of the recoil would cause serious trauma, if not outright death.

But this is no ordinary human being. This is James McCullen Destro XXIV AND DON'T YOU FORGET IT.

I don't care. This Destro will still fuck you up.

Obviously, this is not the place to go for reasoned, objective critique of a Destro figure. I've long admitted that Destro is pretty much my favorite villain of all time, just behind Darth Vader, really. I can find something to look about ANY Destro figure. And there is a lot to like about this. I was surprised to find that the base figure is, at least in part, the same as Destro from W2. But the vest, gear, and color make all the difference.

Gear. Not THAT much of it when you get down to it. It just looks big.

Arms dealer, international provocateur, playboy, jet-setter, bad-ass...and backup goalie (and owner) for the Edinburgh Capitals.
Yes, the Edinburgh Capitals are a thing.

The best accessory for this Destro, of course, is the briefcase full of cash money.

This is Destro's fuckin'ashtray money. Plus one to the first to get the reference.

That's some pretty sweet webgear, yep.

Yeah, the stacks of money are awesome. And it is totally worth buying two of these Destros just to get the cash. Also, it's entirely possible that sticking a mask over Destro's head, or putting a masked head on the body, and a helmet, could result in a perfectly acceptable Cobra trooper of some kind. I'm not suggesting army-building, but more than likely I'm gonna be buying two of them.

LBAM Rating: 8.6/10. Yeah, he gets some extra points because he's Destro. Don't like it? Go read some other blog.

So there's all of Wv 4. I'll get around to Wvs 2 and 3 eventually.

Pursuit of Cobra Wave 4: Joes (This one is for you, Fmonk).

2011-01-15T00:06:00.009-05:00

Prologue

Yeah so, it's been a while. Working a lot, writing other stuff blah blah blah.. You just wanna see crappy photographs with witty captions and reviews full of "[Joe character] will cut you" and "[Cobra Character] is so bad he kicked his own ass so hard he puked up a combat boot" or....something. So we'll get to that. I'm not going to promise regular updates but I DO want to get up reviews of all the PoC products I have gotten so far, as well as maybe some other stuff. I might even review some Sideshow figures, but I make no promises of the dates. Now. On to PoC Wave 4, which is every bit as tits as you've heard it is.

Low Light

My 9 year old self is crying a little; whether in joy or sorrow, I'm not sure.

This is Shambhala, people. El Dorado, if you prefer. We have exited the Cave, people, and are looking at the Sun. Whether you're into the "future-now modern warfare hyper detail" of the Pursuit of Cobra, or the faithful updating of the 25th Anniversary line, Low-Light is a figure that absolutely no Joe fan should be able to bitch about. I realize they will, because bitching is their raison d'etre. Some will complain that he should've been released as part of the 25th Anniversary, some will complain that he's too hard to find, others will complain about price, and still, some insufferable prats will complain that they don't understand why anyone cares about the character, even while complaining in other threads that Hasbro ought to release Voltar or showing off their terrible custom of Armadillo. And they are, of course, entitled to their opinions.

But there's a point where opinion becomes error.
Low-Light will make that point with a hole in the back of your chest the size of an infant's head.

There will also be those who cling to the o-ring and talk about the superiority of the original figures. And while I have high nostalgic regard for the original Joes, Low-Light certainly puts paid to any potential argument for superiority of sculpt, articulation, or playability.

Low-Light's recurring nightmare.

This figure is both the perfect update AND the perfect addition to PoC. Articulation is great, the accessories are out of this world, and the sculpt is flawless. WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT?

Low-Light does John Woo style. Which I bet he hates even more than I do. Which is a lot.

You want gear? I might buy a 2nd Low-Light just for the complement of stuff he comes with.

You've got an uzi, the sniper rifle with detachable scope, bipod, and silencer, the 2-piece spotter's scope, a knife, a sat-phone (removable handset!!!!! - I am a little too easily excited by that) goggles, webgear, knife, goggles, backpack and cellphone (I guess it's a cellphone? a gps? Whatever. In my world it's a cellphone). Oh, and rifle case. That as you've seen by now, can attach to his back with the backpack pegged into it. Brilliant.

BRILLIANT! BULLET!

Not as brilliant; the removable antenna on the sat phone.
I have lost this thing a dozen times already. It is now glued in place.

The tiny fiddly bits that come with Low-Light are legion, and perhaps the only legitimate nitpick I can come up with; the antenna comes loose far too easily, as does the scope of his rifle. The former I have fixed, but for the latter, gluing it in place would no longer allow it to fit in its case.

I'm a little surprised that the webgear is patterned so closely on the original Low-Light's torso and yet it manages to fit so seamlessly in with the rest of PoC. Either the original Low-Light was a bit ahead of its time (and let's be honest; compared to some of the other figures released in 1986, he is pretty damned realistic in design) or the designers just tapped into something magical. Likely both.

Intense.

You know, I kind of feel like Low-Light is sort of...ugly. Not poorly sculpted; I think the sculpt is fantastic. But he doesn't seem like he'd be a real handsome dude, unlike Duke or Flint (sigh). He's just kind of intense and sour and angry looking. I respect that.

Ugly dude or not, he's sexting with Helix while he waxes some Shock Troopers.

The last thing dozens of Cobra shock troopers will ever see.
Only they'll all be standing up straight instead of lopsided because it's midnight
and I'm tired of fucking with the backdrop in the light tent to try and get it flat.

LBAM Rating: 11.5/10. He'd be a twelve if not for the fiddly bits that fall off easily. But he's still so awesome that he's BETTER than a 10.

And then there's...

Skydive

It's not this figure's fault that it suffers in comparison to the rest of the wave it comes in, which are all knockouts. It's a perfectly serviceable figure with a neat concept going on, great detailing and sculpting, and he fits really well into the PoC aesthetic.

But he's not Low-Light.

This sub-orbital HALO jump rig had to cost like millions of taxpayer dollars.
They couldn't spend a couple grand more to give me a fucking rifle?

Yeah the Firefly/Flash head is kind of lazy. I won't argue that point. I think I might like the colors of the originally planned Ripcord figure (which I have but haven't taken pictures of) a bit better, but this works.

A solid but unspectacular figure. What else d'ya want me to say about it? Ultimately it's kind of a big hunk of plastic without much movement so long as he's got all his gear on. And I am more a fan of gear the figure can carry rather than gear the figure can wear, which may seem like a silly distinction to you but makes perfect sense to me.

LBAM Rating: 7/10. Worthy of a place in your collection, sure. But don't sell a kidney for one or anything.

Coming up soon-ish(?) - The rest of Wv4, Wv3, Sideshow Flint and Beachhead. Maybe a vehicle review!

The People You Meet On Toy Collecting Boards, Part V

2010-09-22T20:14:00.005-04:00

That's right, true believers, it's time for yet another installment.

1. The Scale Nerd

Scale, for those not in the know, refers to the size of figures; in handy toy-board shorthand, 1:18th scale is generally tossed about as referring to figures in the 3.75 inch to 4 inch range; 1/6th would be 12" figures.

But oh no; not to the scale nerd. To the scale nerd this shit must be measured TO THE FUCKING MICRON. A sample

"Correct 1/18 scale: 4" = 6', while 3.75" is 5' 7.5" OR 3.75" can be 1/19.20 scale! These numbers are based on 12" being 1/6 (6' man). Accept it, use it."

No. No I won't accept it. And I won't use it. Nobody is going to start talking about "1/19.20" scale. Fuck that noise. I mean honestly - we're talking about toys, for one thing, not engineering models that MUST be precise. For another, he's talking about the difference of a quarter of an inch.

And they're TOYS.

Other winners include the guys who rail and rail about the size of Joe vehicles. Yes, I realize they aren't "true 1:18th" scale. Guess what? Nobody cares except you. NOBODY.

2. The Entitlement Bitch

I know I've whined about the general sense of entitlement before, but this deserves its own special category.

Real post from a toyboard this week:

"It's bull $h1t that other people get a Flagg but we don't, what makes them so special? Probably young kids not even around in the 80's." (The Flagg being the Joe Aircraft carrier, a great playset released in 1987)

No. No it isn't fair, you dumb hick. You know what else isn't fair? That I don't spend eight solid hours a day being fellated by Christina Hendricks. It isn't fair that I am not, right now, snorting uncut China White off Gemma Arterton's back. But I'm not whining about it, am I?

"Fair ain't got nothin' to do with it." - William Munny

3. The Pretentious Fan Fic Writer

Ok, fan fic is kind of an internet scourge. Some of it is probably not terrible, but I'm not generally a fan. But G.I. Joe fan fic is universally terrible and seems to be enjoying a resurgence of awfulness lately. But even worse is that some of these mooks think they are gonna get it published. One jackass is soliciting IDW, the holder of the Joe comic license. Another one is talking about self-publishing a Joe novel; not unless you want Hasbro's lawyers so far up your ass they can use your hair to polish the windshield of their luxury European automobiles, you aren't. Hasbro is NOT going to give you permission, they don't give a shit about your ideas, they aren't stealing them, and honestly...if Hasbro wants to publish a G.I. Joe novel, they will approach a writer and tell him/her what to do. Period. It won't work any other way.

4. Organizational Nuts

These guys have a deep, vast, and incredibly over-organized "Joe Verse." In some weirder ones, everybody's related to everyone else and married or Flint and Destro are gay lovers. They are all fucking terrible, this goes without saying. In a way this is related to fanfic, but really they aren't writing stories, per se...some do Dio stories, and frankly some of those Dio stories are a decent way for a bored Community College Adjunct who can't afford to get caught drinking on the job again to kill his office hours rather than grade papers...but mostly what I see now are these vast, complicated flowcharts and documents and similar bullshit that map out who is what rank, how many troops Cobra has, etc etc. So the LBAM decided to make his own G.I. Joe Organization Flowchart

Whiteboard skillz.

Here endeth the lesson.

Pursuit of Cobra Wave 1, Cobra Figures

2010-08-07T21:32:00.013-04:00

Pursuit of Cobra, Wave 1, Cobra Figures

It probably isn't a shock that I generally like the Joe figures more than the Cobra; certain characters notwithstanding (Destro, StormShadow, sometimes Zartan or Dreadnoks) I don't seem to have nearly the same kind of attachment or interest in most of the Cobra figures. The basic Cobra blueshirt, for example, I find unspeakably boring, despite his sterling service throughout the years. When it comes to the Sideshow Joe figures, which I collect selectively, I will never purchase your basic Cobra troop type figure; no trooper, officer, sniper, Red Ninja or Viper for me (unless they make an Alley Viper, which seems so utterly unlikely that I have full confidence I can get away with saying 'never'). So that's probably why it's taken me this long to get to the Cobra half of 'Pursuit of Cobra,' and why I'm just not generally as excited about them as I am the Joe offerings. At any rate, off we go.

Storm Shadow

I could pretty much do this entire review in two words: fuck yeah. But I want to elaborate a bit.

This figure is a stellar example of Hasbro doing so many things right that it should be nearly universally praised, but since that won't happen, let me point out what's great about it.

1. It's a perfect way to create a figure that is largely made of reused parts; torso, arms, legs, feet, hands - all from RoC Stormshadow (Arctic Stormshadow in particular) but still make it new and awesome with one or two new body bits (head and clothing).
2. The accessories are absolutely fantastic, top notch, brilliant.
3. For a martial-artist/ninja character, it features a hip-mounted skirt/clothing piece that doesn't inhibit articulation at all. Now, when it's a choice between look and articulation, I'll take look. But this figure gives us both, and it's great.

Doesn't stop posing, still looks great.

Darth Maul? Never heard of him.

Wolverine? Never heard of him.

I'm absolutely in love with every aspect of this figure; you know it's Storm Shadow right away, and yet it's also fresh and interesting. The selection of weaponry is second to none in any Joe martial arts/ninja figure. The manriki-gusari is just fucking awesome, period. Real metal chain, people. REAL METAL. And he has individual shuriken that peg onto little 'holsters' hanging off the edge of his belt. Shangri-la, people. Shangri-la.

Holy fuck yes. Finally.

And, of course, he can CARRY ALL OF IT. Not sure if the shorter swords are supposed to slide in through those little eyelets, but it works regardless. A better view

It's Storm Shadow, updated, brilliant, with awesome weapons...it's great. Very nearly perfect.

LBAM Rating: 9.8/10. Why not a 10? I dunno, the hair sticking out of the back of his cowl is fucking wacky, I guess.

Firefly

Oh...oh hell yes. This is a perfect update, I say. And why? Because the instant you look at the figure you know it's Firefly, you know he's been brought into the 21st century, and you know he will wreck your shit. Seriously, what is not to love about this figure? The muted grey (yeah, I spell it that way, got an issue with it? If you wanna throw hands, I'll throw hands) palette brings him to life and seems to be a workable all-purpose camouflage. Sure, it probably isn't, really, all that workable...but I love it. For the "urban" environment that has always seemed to be where Firefly is destined to thrive? Perfect.

I even kind of dig the hockey-pad arms. Really.

Seriously, what's the point of these? Just random forearm armor?
He might need to check Beachhead into the boards? Explanations in the comments.

At least they stow nicely. Which is a great hallmark of the line; places to store all the stuff they're packed with.

Absolutely love this new mask. Might love it more if it was a helmet that slid over the more classic version of the mask, but given the deep backpack he has, which will hold the spare head (not THIS head, but the other one), I'll give it a pass.

Attention to detail, kids. That's what makes pretty much anything great. With that awesome webgear over top of his torso, would anyone really even notice if Firefly had just been made with some basic t-shirt or commando sweater torso? Nope. But even so, he has this detailed, slim but armored torso that really kind of kicks ass on its own.

I love gear, lots of gear. But especially, I love it when there are places to put all of it. This Firefly has that in spades. Unfortunately I appear to have not taken a half decent picture of, but whatever. It's awesome. Take my word for it. MY WORD IS LAW, NERDS.

LBAM Rating: 10/10. This Firefly fucking rocks. Period.

Pursuit of Cobra, Wave 1, Cobra Figures

Alley Viper

Regular readers probably already know how the LBAM feels about the Alley Viper in general. I probably don't need to elaborate too much, and I'm not going to. I think I like the classic blue and orange scheme a little bit more, BUT, I'm willing to admit that the red and black is not only more practicable, but also plenty awesome on its own.

Friends, readers, the legends are true; there's a peg on there that keeps the grappling gun in place. Hallelujah. Praise Thor. Etc.

Alley-Viper will cut you, bitch.

LBAM Rating: 10/10. What the hell else was I gonna rate it?

Cobra Commander

Well it's a different look, I'll give it that. Why is he threatening me with a long triangle?
The new mask is interesting enough.

This is a reasonably interesting figure, I guess. Nice. Not thrilling, but nice. It's basically the Rise of Cobra Cobra Commander with a new head, palette swap. I like the shiny finish on the mask and torso; I am easily amused and like shiny things. But this alone is not enough to carry this redesign into the upper echelon of the Pursuit of Cobra figures. In fact, I would say, unequivocally, this is the least exciting of the bunch unless you are a MoC collector, in which case the neat Cobra card I can't be bothered to take a picture of, is really neat. But once you get him off the card, the shortcomings become pretty clear.

Battle Standards are so convenient on the modern day battlefield. For the enemy, anyway. Seriously, if he actually carried this thing into a fight, is there any doubt that Snow Job, Low-Light, Scarlett, or some other Joe sniper would find a way to wax him right quick?

My real beef with Cobra Commander is not the fact that he's mostly repainted, but the unbelievable laziness of his accessories. He's got pulse pistol from Rise of Cobra, that flag, and this piece of shit.

What the FUCK is this supposed to be?

Seriously, this is, hands down, without competition, the worst weapon or accessory included with any PoC figure. I think it's referred to on his filecard with some stupid name. Whatever. It's a piece of shit. It is indefensible. It looks like something that could've come off a sprue in 1991. Check that. It looks worse than any of those, except it's in a slightly better color. It's terrible. WEAK. SAUCE.

Is that...does he have his initials on his armor? Really? Did Baroness stencil 'em on there? Is this so when he gets together with the other would-be tyrants like Red Skull, Lex Luthor, Serpentor, and Blofeld, when they hang out at the club, CC won't forget which shirt is his? What the hell?

LBAM Rating: 5/10. It isn't awful, it isn't useless, but Lord, it ain't good. Easily the worst figure of the line so far, with entirely inadequate accessories. Desirable mostly for its supposed rarity.

So there they are. All in all, Wave 1 of PoC is a smashing success, as far as I'm concerned. Just fantastic. Can't wait for more of it; I can't imagine any figure in the line is going to be worse than that Cobra Commander.

Pursuit of Cobra Wave 1 Beachhead, Snake-Eyes, Duke, and Snow Job

2010-08-01T15:36:00.017-04:00

Pursuit of Cobra Wave 1 - The Joe Figures

Pursuit of Cobra Wave 1 Figures have finally made it to the vast labyrinth of potent, twisted darkness* wherein the LBAM makes his home. Herein are contained musings profane, anecdotal, editorial and frivolous regarding their composition, structure, paint, materials, accessories, and overall "badassery," as I think the cool kids say.

Duke

Duke is attired for two things: running through the jungle a la CCR, and fucking killing you.

Wait, is this Duke in a new continuity, or Duke from 1983 just having a really wicked flashback to Khe Sanh, Langdoc, and Hill 364? And of course, +1 for the first one to name the reference.

Despite his jungle theme, actually, Duke is thoroughly modern, with the reactive armor torso making a strong showing here. I'd love to see this sprinkled throughout the line as a sort of 'base' torso that works as a standard suit of armor for the Joes. That being said, obviously there isn't, with this new theme, going to be a return to the RoC armor aesthetic, which saw the Joes in something closest to 'uniforms' since 1982. But the fact that this is a hold-over torso shouldn't really stop anyone, even those who spoke most heatedly about RoC; it's done in an appropriate shade of green and really works here as a kind of light, all-purpose armor plated vest.

Otherwise...look, this figure has been so thoroughly previewed and reviewed through those who obtain figures from the overseas market (guilty, so no judgment here) all I can really do is confirm its awesomeness and try to make pithy captions.

I killed the man who gave me that scar. And I killed his family. His parents. His brothers.
I wiped his seed from the earth. Then I burned his house down and salted the earth around it. His wife? Totally slept with her.
What's that? Yeah, before I killed her. Definitely before.

This is a Duke with whom you do not fuck. Perhaps surpassing in badassery even the Resolute Duke face sculpts. And hey, while I enjoyed RoC and its attendant toyline, it is far more intense than the Channing Tatum sculpts. Maybe less hunky, though.

The backpack is every bit as cool as you can imagine; large and detailed, and yes with real storage space inside it, and the straps work just great. I had anticipated loose straps, or that they might be prone to warping or bending the weapons stuck in it, but I've had no such problems. Now that awesome, functional backpacks are within the realm of possibility, Hasbro, let's make them happen for every goddamned figure, and then maybe, maybe the nerds will stop whining. Who'm I kidding; that'll never happen. Ever.

But it'd still be awesome if every character had a backpack with features like this (not necessarily this one because there are obviously other awesome backpacks out there, like Snow Job's and I bet Recondo's). But seeing more of these kinds of straps would be stellar.

Wading through the shit-stained corpses of your enemies will turn your paints brown, too.

Great accessories, great use of RA torso, great new parts, great headsculpt. What is not to like about this figure?

LBAM Rating: 10/10. It's a great Duke figure, it's probably adaptable to environments other than Jungle, it's crying out to be easily customized into Muskrat with a Pit Commando head and repainted boonie hat. Great figure, flawless figure, really. His carbine and machine gun are actually, dare I say it, starting to approach the awesome level of the weapons created by some 3rd party casters. Maybe not quite there, but definitely a hell of a lot closer than earlier stuff. Some of these PoC weapons are actually going to stay WITH the figures instead of being chucked into the tackleboxes.

"Desert" Snake-Eyes

You may be wondering why 'Desert' is in quotes up there.

Let's get serious folks; this figure is not designed for the desert. No way, no how. That jacket is just flat out too heavy. This says Desert Snake-Eyes but I can't for one second accept that it is a 'Desert' figure. To wit

Look at how bulky those sleeves are without the jacket piece on his torso. Desert. Right. If it was desert, why not just put some kind of ballistic vest over a torso. Wasn't there originally supposed to be an 'Arctic' Snake-Eyes in this line? Well, guess what. There still is. I mean, c'mon...look at the card art.

Does that look like a man headed to the desert? No.

Look, I don't hate this figure. It's a decent, basic Snake-Eyes figure. My quibbles with it are that, for the debut Snake-Eyes of the line, it's a pale shadow of the one we know is coming next year, and that it fails at its basic descriptors...it's just not a desert figure.

There's also the fact that this is the third "Arctic Snake Eyes" figure I now own. I am ok with repaints, re-uses, and getting major characters recycled is just bound to happen. But three arctic Snake-Eyes? A little much.

Timber with real growling action is a nice enough touch, I guess.

The jacket is well detailed, anyway.
Decent complement of gear.

Uzis, motherfucker.

The fact that the SMGs or machine pistols, whatever they are, clip onto his jacket, or the carabiners (it works both ways but probably better on the jacket) is a great touch, a wonderful example of what seems to be one of the big steps forward in the PoC aesthetic; characters aren't just given an assortment of gear, the gear is made to work with the figure. Even this, though, doesn't save it from some boredom and redundancy. It's not bad, by any means, but it's easily the least exciting of the 4 Joe characters released in this initial wave.
LBAM Rating: 6.8/10 Boring. Not bad. But boring. The 2011 Snake Eyes can't get here fast enough.

Beachhead

Beachhead will skull fuck you. And you will enjoy it and ask for more.

In some ways, this is probably the most radical redesign of a Joe character in this newly minted line. Gone is the typical green-based color scheme, the vest, the crossbow, the tucked beret. He still has camo pants...sort of...an excellent tac vest, and the balaclava, he just comes with that awesome helmet/gas mask combo that covers it. But it is there.

See? With the helmet off, it's clearly Beachhead. Just something about the way that mask is done, the eyes, the implied sneer. I wouldn't mistake that face for Shockwave or another masked Joe, I don't think. Unfortunately mine also has a bad smear of grey over the exposed flesh, which serves as an inducement to keep his helmet on.

But you know what? This Beachhead is fucking awesome. FUCKING. AWESOME. He will absolutely ruin your shit, and he'll do it laughing.

Look at that load of gear. And it's all pretty high quality; the SCAR with foregrip might just be the best firearm Hasbro has yet made. The bullpup rifle (which I think is a Bushmaster Bullpup?
correct me if I am wrong, please) is also quite sweet, as are the MP-97s with and without suppressor; granted, we've seen all of these besides the SCAR before (most of them with Paris Pursuit Baroness last year...also a great figure). Even the futuristic looking thing (which must be the railgun mentioned in his filecard) doesn't look bad, even if I'm not equipping him with it. Ok, now, as for the flippers.

If they aren't flippers, what are they? I am not at all opposed to extraneous gear being included on a figure; the more the merrier, I say. But..why? Why does the newly minted "urban combat specialist" Beachhead have flippers? I love that they stow on the back of his webgear. And I guess there are plenty of cities out there that have waterways that are absolutely integral; just off the top of my head, Baltimore (yay hometown), Philadelphia, NYC, Boston, LA, Chicago, San Diego, London, Paris....ok, I could just keep naming cities. Obviously an 'urban combat specialist' could have plenty of uses for flippers. It just seems like an odd choice to include them with an urban combat specialist, rather than waiting for a Navy SEAL or similar character. Maybe they'll slide in with some future aquatic specialist. It is to be hoped.

Enough about the flippers. Beachhead fucking rocks.

I wish I could've gotten a good closeup of the helmet/gasmask; I'm sure a better photographer than me (these aren't hard to find, but I'm looking at you, Generalsjoes) will do so and you'll see how ball-punchingly awesome it is. It's great. Trust me.

Would be Tiger-force customizers who can't paint stripes should take note of these legs; they may solve your problems.

It's a...sock sweat powered computer? It's an...ankle monitor? Okay, seriously, wtf is that thing? It looks cool as hell. Why does it plug into his ankle? Ok, here's how we're settling this; the person who leaves a comment with the best explanation of what this is, why it is positioned there, and why it plugs into his ankle, wins a prize. I don't know what the prize will be, but it'll be GI Joe related.
Just leave a comment with your guess. REAL ASS explanations are not likely to win.

Ok, so to sum up...Beachhead is awesome. He will fuck you up (in your skull, even). I have no insight to this figure. It's every bit as awesome as any figure released in the G.I. Joe line since 2007, and considerably MORE awesome than most. YOU WILL BUY IT. That is all.
LBAM Rating: 10/10. Just too awesome.

Snow Job

That Ralphie kid from A Christmas Story clearly grew up to be Snow Job; only a child used to wearing fourteen layers of heavy clothing in the snow could possibly lug this much crap through it.

How does he WALK with all that stuff? Much less ski?

I'm really conflicted about this figure. I love Snow Job; he's one of my favorite characters, and has always been one of my favorite figures, from his 1983 debut to his 25th Anniversary incarnation. One of the things I loved most about the 25th Anniversary figure was the fact that his hood and goggles were removable, thus increasing the versatility (and play value, if you will) of the figure. While this head sculpt looks great, I can't help feeling that the goggles/headset/hat combo covering his face, despite the great, ice-crusted beard, is a step back.

Also, the previous Snow Job figure managed to pull off a great arctic look without hampering articulation (maybe the skirt hampered his knees a little bit, but you can fix that). With this, the Arctic Snake Eyes body from RoC, there's only so much you can do. He has real trouble holding his rifle, awesome though it may be, in anything resembling a real firing position.

On the other hand, the amount of gear this figure comes with is pure win.

Like 5 minutes after I finished taking these photos, I figured out that the frying pan handle could snap down over the pan and stay in place on the tab opposite it. Let this show that I will never go the extra mile for you, gentle reader.

I'm conflicted. But this part is super cool

Accessories get an A+, a 10/10. Reuse of a body, eh, I'm ok with that, but the arms can't work with that rifle, mostly. The headsculpt...it's good in its own right, but I cannot help but feel it represents a step back from the 25th Anniversary Snow Job. A little disappointed.

LBAM Rating: 8/10. Ultimately the accessories are just so great, the GOAL so clearly awesome, that falling a little short is perhaps forgivable...maybe. I'll see if I can't just slip this backpack onto 25th Anniversary Snow Job, and see what happens.

That wraps up the Joes: upcoming this week will be the Cobra figures (Cobra Commander, Firefly, Alley Viper, and Storm Shadow) as well as SDCC Slaughters.

*Cleverly disguised as a town house in suburban Delaware. But until you know the correct, ear-drum shattering sequence of the Song of Six Sorrows, the exact pieces of still-quivering man-flesh to bring as sacrifice, the right bones in your body to shatter as your sign of Dark Entreaty, you'll only ever see the town house bit.

G.I. Joe Resolute - Joe Box Set, and a rant.

2010-07-22T22:02:00.015-04:00

So it may be a day late but here are my reviews of the Resolute G.I. Joe Box Set.

Beachhead

The Joe team's badass Ranger/PT Instructor has probably never looked more REAL ASS. I don't love it as much as I do, say, the HoH Beachhead (which is an easy perfect 10 LBAM rating), or even the comic pack Beachhead. Those have a little bit more personality...the backpack, the red beret, the crossbow, etc. But, that being said, this is a fine representation of one of my favorite Joes, one I am happy to add to the collection .
As with most of the Resolute figures, Beachhead's best new feature is probably his vest/webgear, with functional knife sheath. Wonderfully detailed. A downside is the legs; as I said, this is probably more REAL ASS than most Joe figs, and the Joe characters have a sense of uniformity and practicality about them. This comes at a cost of, in my estimation, a small bit of their personal charm, BUT, if you prefer a more real military feel to your Joes, you really can't go wrong with these Resolute figures.

Why, why, why did Hasbro decide to mold these Resolute figure legs with non-functional holsters. I can fix this by ordering from Hunter Artworks, but when Hasbro has included working holsters since day one of this body construction type, why did they disappear now? WEAK SAUCE.

Not sure I like the fact that he's lost his commando sweater in favor of a featureless t-shirt. I do dig his articulation, overall look and feel, and I'm actually happy to add another version of a figure I like (I'm probably going to arrange a 21st Century-look shelf for all these new-look Joes from Resolute and Pursuit of Cobra).
LBAM Rating: 7.9/10. Just misses the eight; lacks a functional holster, Beachhead NEEDS a backpack, great articulation, modern, more realistic military feel.

Duke (Arctic)

I happen to enjoy putting 'teams' together on a shelf, or table or floor, or even outside when the weather is right, as you can see by scrolling back a few pages if you choose. I'm glad to have an 'Arctic Duke' to add to a team that already includes Snow Job, White Out, Frostbite, Snake-Eyes, Doc, and Shipwreck. If we get another blizzard in the northeast this winter, Duke'll be out there getting his picture taken. Other than that, he's not the most exciting figure.

His headsculpt is awesome, though, especially with that headset he's wearing.

I would really like to this on some kind of pilot or driver figure. Even if it's another Duke. One major flaw in this figure's design, I feel, is that the upper 'coated' arms and his lower 't-shirt/elbow pad' arms do not look good together. They just don't work. They should've just gone for the full-coated look, as the result is pretty jarring. Nice addition to an Arctic team, but nothing too thrilling.
LBAM Rating: 7.6/10. Good, not great. The arm construction is a poor design choice. Great headsculpt redeems it.

Flint

Now we're on the trolley.

Chuck Norris could never make a beret look this good.

This version of Flint is fucking awesome, plain and simple. The new headsculpt captures him in all his arrogant, willful, intelligent, superior badassery. Yes, he's my favorite Joe character, but trust me...that is more likely to make me more critical, not less. This is probably the best and most compelling headsculpt of the entire line, at least for my money. He even has grey hair, which is AWESOME. As I get older I want my heroes to age with me; it's only right that Flint should be getting a little older, and that he's not the kind of pansy who uses Just for Men, because he knows the ladies will appreciate his rugged charm, distinction, and wisdom.

I might be over-invested in the character.

Flint drinks gasoline and pisses napalm, and then he bangs your girlfriend. And Lady Jaye. At the same time.

Once again, his webgear is knocked out of the park. His shotgun, eh, I tossed it in the parts box and replaced it with one from trusty Marauder John (as I do with most weapons, actually). The Resolute Duke arms really work again here, especially for practical articulation reasons. I have two predictable complaints about this figure; non functional holster, plain t-shirt instead of the collared button-down. Flint has more style than that.

Not just for the scattergun, they're also in case I want a snack.

I love the extra little strip of shells for the shotgun. It's the kind of detail that makes a character come alive. A few paint apps wouldn't go awry; if I trust my hand enough I may try to add a few details.

LBAM Rating: 9/10. Great, not quite perfect, but great.

Roadblock

Roadblock will fuck you up. And this is flat out the best modern-construction Roadblock ever released. Hands down. No contest. No more pinhead, no more useless left arm. There is NOTHING wrong with this figure. Nothing.

Even the headsculpt just oozes charisma and character. I love it. I liked it when it debuted on the Wal-Mart RoC battlestation Roadblock, but this has the better vest and gear. Well...better gun. As for the rest of the gear?

Why the blue FUCK do I have a goddamn mattock?
Why am I handed an implement of motherfucking MANUAL LABOR?
I am a goddamn Cordon Bleu CHEF, nerds. I do not dig motherfucking HOLES.

Uh, seriously. Giving any of these characters a big ol'mattock is baffling. He didn't appear with one in the movie. I mean, it's not a terrible accessory, honestly. It pegs to his back, which is nice. But, uh...do I really have to point out the potentially inflammatory racial politics of issuing the most prominent African-American character in the property? I'm NOT claiming that's any kind of intentional; after all, I am, uh, overly trained to find and interpret these kinds of things. But am I the only one who looks at that and says, "uh, guys? Why?" I mean it's baffling on any level, but really. And that's not where the oddness of his accessory choices ends.

Why the FUCK do I have a MORTAR SHELL? Do I look like SHORT FUZE to you? Am I a four-eyed blond nerd? Do I look like fucking Down Town? Do I have a stupid red helmet and a goddamn revolver?

The shell doesn't attach to his gun. It doesn't attach to the figure anywhere. It doesn't fit in any vehicle that's been released, as far as I can tell. WHAT'S THE GODDAMN POINT? Is Hasbro just fucking TORTURING ME with their inclusion of this meaningless trinket? Am I doomed, like a character in a Beckett story, to illustrate the inherent absurdity of man's quest for meaning? I CAN'T SLEEP AT NIGHT WITHOUT AN ANSWER.

Roadblock takes revenge on those responsible for his accessories. Except for the gun. The gun is badass.

The gun rocks. The rest are made of WTF.

LBAM Rating: 9.5/10. The figure is damn near perfect. Not sure why it's not quite a 10; probably the fucking stupid accessories.

Scarlett

The most disappointing things in life are not those that are terrible, but those that fall just short of realizing their potential. The Godfather Part III could've been a great movie. Likewise, X-Men 3 COULD have been truly great; its premise was fraught with possibility for exploring the mutant condition. Scarlett, this Scarlett, Resolute Scarlett, could have been...should have been...the greatest Scarlett figure ever made.

Instead, she's a big-headed pile of disappointment. Seriously, how would a girl not tip over with a head that disproportionate to her body? It's a regular fucking planetoid. Got its own weather patterns. (Plus one to the first person to correctly identify the reference- GOOGLE IS CHEATING).

Seriously, this Scarlett's body is made of win. She looks a lot more like a soldier wearing real body armor than her original incarnation. There seems to be no leotard, but her classic colors and features are in place.

Why doesn't she have some kind of belt, though? With a quiver, and maybe a holster? Did the tooling budget just give out at that exact moment? "Sorry guys. Either Scarlett goes un-belted or Beachhead becomes just 'Beach.' Pick one." I mean, that expanse of blank pointless space is really jarring. And you know, the face sculpt isn't even bad, really, it's just too goddamn big. Her hair is awesome, with fantastic paint apps. But that noggin is so huge it just wrecks the overall presentation.

Can we mold a decent fucking crossbow for Scarlett yet? The RoC Desert Ambush Scarlett's crossbow is decent, but it's not big enough for my taste, and it's not a perfect solution. She needs one that can be held two handed and shouldered and that doesn't look like a goddamn toy. I know it IS a toy, but it should LOOK like a functional crossbow in the character's hand, not like a fucking toy. There's no excuse for money having been wasted on this piece of shit. The sniper rifle is alright. I dig Scarlett as a sniper. The extra cartridges are a nice touch. None of the figures seem to really be able to hold it for shit, though.

She's got the logo, so that's something. They all have the logo somewhere. It's a nice touch.
LBAM Rating: 5/10. If the head was better this figure could be so great. I'll try to replace it with...something. Don't know what. But something.

Snake-Eyes

Snake Eyes is awesome. There's nothing I can say or do that's going to add to or take away from that. I like this iteration better than the City-Strike RoC figure. The shorter sword seems more practical and interesting to me, and I dig the green shades and glider, preposterous though it is. A great figure.
LBAM Rating: 8.5/10

Stalker

Fuck. And. Yes. Finally, FINALLY we get an update of Stalker that brings him into the 21st century. He SHOULD be wearing camo, not just plain green. He should. But he's not. I'll live with it, because this is a great update.

Yeah, he shares a lot of tooling with Snake-Eyes. They shared tooling back in '82, as well, so I don't have a problem with it here. And to reiterate, nonfunctional holster: bad.

Crazy-eyes: good.

Stalker will cut you, because shooting you would be too easy.

I'm ambivalent about the dreads. It feels like a pretty cheap way to 'update' him without thinking or working really hard to do it. But at the same time, while most of the figures are pretty REAL ASS, this kind of wildly alternate grooming standard indicates the kind of personality and individuality that I've always liked about the Joes. So on that level, I dig it. I like the property best when it has one foot in reality and the other leaping gleefully out of it towards fun. This is fun. Oh, and his webgear is awesome.

LBAM Rating: 8.9/10. Needs a backpack, and camo. Otherwise awesome.

So there, that's the Resolute box sets dealt with. For me they are totally worth the purchase despite a few things I'd like to see done differently.

An LBAM Interlude, addressed to fellow toy collectors but especially to G.I. Joe fans:

Stop whining.

Every fucking post on every message board is more or less immediately swarmed with whining that mostly amounts to "a multimillion dollar company isn't catering to me." Hasbro is not your bitch, nor are they "raping" you by the pricing of their product, nor are they trying to kill the brand, nor are they underestimating the collector market. I promise you, I guarantee you, Hasbro has a much better idea of who is buying its product than you. They have people whose only job is to determine how well they do with each demographic. They have a better idea of who is buying their product than you, the nerd from Big Loin, Alabama, who doesn't have a G.E.D. much less any specialized training in marketing, and probably will be lucky to some day work the line at a fucking Bob Evans.

Collectors don't drive the mass toy market. They just don't.

The fact that Hasbro goes out of its way to sometimes give collectors exactly what they claim to want, only to have it thrown back in their fucking face, is unlikely to change that. Hasbro gave you the Assault and Defense of Cobra Island 7 Packs, chock full of unreleased characters that message boards had been THROBBING with demand for. A year later they are on clearance and showing up in discount retailers. Why? Well, some of you bitched that they were online exclusives and it wasn't fair since, I don't know, they don't issue credit cards to whatever part of the Godforsaken Bumblefuck Midwestern state you fucking spawned in, or they were "too expensive" (but cost less than retail price per figure), or they reused too many parts (which is perfectly fine when people customize new characters out of reused parts, but not when Hasbro does it). I don't know. And I don't care. It proves one of two things:

A: You didn't put your money where your mouth is, OR
B: COLLECTOR DEMAND ISN'T ENOUGH.

Now here are the Resolute sets. Hotly demanded by many of the flaming-est, angriest, dumbest, troglodytes out there on the toy boards, many of you are now refusing to buy them because they're too expensive, or took too long to get to the market, or they don't meet the exacting standards you don't apply to anything else in your life (like your job, house, girlfriend, command of the English language, hygiene, eating habits or dress sense).

The Assault and Defense Packs, and now the Resolute Packs, are as clearly catered to the demands of fans as anything Hasbro has engaged in since they've tried to revive the brand after the unexpected (but still relatively small) success of the initial 25th Anniversary Line offerings. If fans don't buy them, what does it mean?

Now, I'm not saying "buy everything or you're not a fan!" If you genuinely don't like them, didn't like Resolute, don't like the designs, fine. But if you're one of the many assholes who has "RESULOTE FUR LIEF" in your signature on the boards, or talked about how great Resolute was, you haven't got a fucking excuse. Except, apparently, that you're a fuckwit.

And this is only one aspect of the whining. Just stop it. THEY. ARE. TOYS. Buying them is ENTIRELY FUCKING VOLUNTARY. If you find it so goddamned unpleasant that the only way you can engage in the hobby is by fucking complaining...whether it's the price, the 'hunt' (here's a clue, fuckstick; it's probably less grating if you don't go to the same stores five times a week, and really what kind of life do you have if daily visits to Wal-Mart are part of the routine?) the designs, the packaging, the retail employees (please realize for once that they just are never going to be paid enough to care about your so special needs), or whatever else you precise little princesses can find to bitch about, just stop it. Grow up and collect your children's plastic playthings like a man.

There. That needed to be said.

Resolute Box Set: Cobra

2010-07-21T00:40:00.017-04:00

G.I. Joe Resolute was, at least among the Joe fan community, a highly anticipated animated movie that received a baffling, staggered release in chunks of a few minutes at a time on Cartoon Network. Given that I was on vacation in England at the time, I didn't really see all of it as it debuted, nor did I pay much attention to it. When I did finally see it, my reaction at first was quite positive, mostly rooted in the thought that it was way better than anything Sunbow or DiC ever did with the property in animation.

Then I got a copy of it and was able to watch it more carefully, and I realized they got most everything wrong. Characterization was completely off; Cobra Commander was money hungry? Storm Shadow was just a single-minded villain? Duke and Scarlett were together with only a hint at bad history between Scarlett and Snake-Eyes? Zartan was just a psycho with a case of blood lust who gets shot in the back while he's fucking monologuing? Tunnel Rat was assigned to lead a mission to do something with...weather balloons? (I'm not really sure what happened there, still, after three viewings). And Baroness and Destro do nothing except show up and get captured. Now, this is not a blog post to just be a take-down of Resolute; for a really good view of what was wrong with it, go ahead and take a gander at Compulsive Collector's really effective comparison with Rise of Cobra.

But what was right with Resolute? Even if all the character personalities were wrong (or more often nonexistent) the character designs were all pretty freaking great. And character design is what leads to the toys. And the toys are, at long last, a year and 2 months after the series aired, here. And for the most part, they are great.

Cobra Commander

Let's just get this one out of the way. It's the same Cobra Commander that came out in December 2008. It is still my favorite Cobra Commander, but I sure don't need two of them.

Yeah, if you already have Resolute CC, you paid 6 bucks for a snake-themed dagger. Sucker.
And you also get a 2 pegged stand. So he's got that going for him.

LBAM Rating: Leaving aside the fact that it's the exact same figure as the original Resolute CC, I DO really like this, I just don't want to spend a lot of time covering old ground. It's quite reminiscent of the classic CC look with a nice parade-ground kind of flourish. I don't mind that the skirt impedes his articulation. An easy 8.5/10 IF you're considering it on its own merits. If I was taking into account the complete lack of new stuff added here, I'd probably knock it down just below 7. Ultimately that'd be pretty unfair given the vast amount of new stuff that really is in these packs. Not that it's gonna stop the bitching fanboys (more on that later).

Alley Viper

I know from Alley Vipers, and YOU, sir, are no Alley Viper.

Look, I'm not saying Alley Vipers have to be in Denver Broncos colors; the upcoming Red&Black A.V. is awesome and I can't wait to get my hands on him. But if you saw this figure without the name 'Alley Viper' attached to it, what would you think it was? Some sort of Cobra Heavy trooper or EOD tech, perhaps? But he's not an Alley Viper, and he never will be.

Neat new head design which I do look forward to seeing as a proper Alley Viper in the next two weeks or so.

Is this his Urban Camo? Weak. Sauce.

Neat vest he's got there. Let's place bets on when and how it will show up again; I'm guessing on some kind of Cobra blue-shirt themed troop builder pack; I have to say, and this will become a running theme throughout my reviews of these figures, one of the biggest strengths of the Resolute figures is the awesome variety of webgear/tac vests/armor they're wearing. I don't know how much those kinds of items cost to get made...much less, I'm sure, than the figure bodies...but I really hope that Hasbro does make use of them again. They would add some serious variety to the fairly homogeneous sets of webgear floating around out there. There is really a serious amount of detail going into them, front and back.

LBAM Rating: 7/10. Probably the weakest of the Cobra pack. Not a terrible figure. Just not an Alley Viper.

Baroness

I like this figure a hell of a lot more than I thought I would. Every pre-release picture I saw of her gave her a huge bulbous head, and she appeared to have some seriously weird hair. In hand, the figure is not perfect, but much better than expected. Looks wise, she's nowhere near as great a figure as the Paris Pursuit Baroness of last summer (probably the best Baroness figure yet produced).

The proportions are definitely a little off; the arms seem to be a little too long, perhaps, or a too thin. Stick-arms are a common problem throughout multiple Hasbro 3.75" lines, so I suppose we shouldn't be surprised. This Baroness does have one unexpected benefit, though; her skirt is flexible and movable enough that it really doesn't impede her poseability at all.

This is usually the part of the dream where Duke wakes up. Then he spends the rest of the day in a bad mood.

Earlier in the fight, Scarlett took a vicious beating from Baroness's ugly stick.

Anastasia hates it when Destro makes her play 'Matrix.'

It these pistols have a real life hybrid, I have no idea what it is. They're cool nonetheless.

LBAM Rating: Baroness was a surprisingly interesting figure for me. Not perfect, no, but a solid 8/10, missing out on a few points for skinny arms. I actually think the skirt makes her lower body look larger, which sort of throws off the rest of her proportions.

Destro

There are a lot of things to like about this figure. There's nothing bad about it; it's got a great ceremonial/battlefield general look to it. It's well detailed. Repainted in red, it would make a great Crimson Guard officer.

But it just doesn't say Destro to me.

Maybe a vac-metal head would help, but other than the mask this has none of the features I tend to associate with Destro; large gauntlets? Prominent boots? I guess the middle of his collar is meant to be reminiscent of the set ruby that is prominent as either a pendant or a tie pin (in Rise of Cobra) but it would be fairly easy to miss. I enjoy the duel holsters on his belt (my set only came with one pistol for them, I believe) but I've yet to find a pistol that sits in them firmly; their positioning makes it easy to knock them loose.

This Destro does get high marks, however, for his accessories.

This rifle is one of the top two weapons yet created and released by Hasbro since the 25th Anniversary figures debuted. I believe it is an Israeli TAR-21, but if someone with more real world firearms knowledge has a better idea, let me know. Regardless, it is fantastic.

I really, really hope we see many re-releases of that rifle. It's even got fantastic paint apps. But as great as the rifle is, the briefcase is even sexier.

Yeah, it holds a little SMG. Kind of functionality I like. But wait for the real sexy...

Laptop screen that flips up. WONAFNAFPOAMS!? !@ - onomotopoeiac representation of sound I made when I first opened this.

Listen, I know you're thinking it's really sad that a grown man with an expensive education gets so excited about a tiny little laptop screen on a briefcase for an action figure. My response is that I'm probably happier than you are, so nyeah.

Okay, so, great accessories. But what is up with this?

Why?

Why does Destro have a bionic/robotic/prosthesis arm? Has Destro ever shown a proclivity for that? Has it ever been a part of his character? Was it even featured in the film? Is there any reason other than "hey it'd be cool if somebody had a robotic arm, even if it was never any kind of his character before, ever, in any incarnation?" I don't think so. And now, let's be clear here; I'm not against robotic arms. I'm ok with that kind of thing being brought into the Joe verse. But why Destro? Destro is already badass enough as it is. He doesn't need a robotic arm. He'll kick your ass on the battlefield, he'll outmaneuver you in the business world, he'll make better weapons than you, he sleeps with the Baroness, who is hotter than whoever you sleep with, he has an archaic but interesting sense of honor, and he wears a fucking metal mask as a point of family honor stretching back to the seventeenth century. Destro doesn't need a robotic arm to be cool. He already is.

News you can use; both arms pop out of the torso very easily, with only light force that doesn't threaten the integrity of the limbs or the figure. It's got the shoulder joint, elbow hinge and swivel, and no other articulation.
LBAM Rating: 8/10. Only really because of the accessories. I don't like the figure AS Destro, so if he didn't have that awesome rifle, he'd slip to a 7, or perhaps even a 6.5. I think the body would be great if reused on another character. It just isn't Destro.

Firefly

Also a surprise; I expected this figure to be junk. And while it's not the highlight of the set, it's hardly bad, either. They went with a much lighter grey than I had anticipated, and once again, the vest they put on him is awesome. Far superior to the RoC TRU exclusive Firefly of last summer. I'm not crazy about the RoC Flash head they put on him, rather than using one of the Firefly heads laying around, but it gives him a different look.

Still got the crazy eyes, though.

I find myself wondering if this can't stand in as a different character. Some kind of "Firefly's apprentice," or something, because I like it far more than I ought to, but it also isn't as good a Firefly as I've already got (the first 25th Anniversary Firefly to be released is still the gold standard, as far as I'm concerned).

The kind of attention to detail I really like. Even better, on the flip side

I love functional knife sheaths tucked in out of the way places. Once again, I hope we see this vest again on future figures.

Also, they gave the classic Firefly backpack a fresh coat of well-handled, crisp paint apps. Love it.

LBAM Rating: 7.5/10. Not great but certainly not bad, better than I had expected. But what to do with him?

Storm Shadow

Why a giant cowl over top of a mask? Isn't that a little much?

I can sum this figure up for you in three letters: M. E. H.

Seriously, this is probably the most boring version of Storm Shadow that has yet been released.

Yaaay, swords, I guess.

Yeah, yeah, you've got swords. Get over it.

The vest they've put on this guy is so big, so bulky, and so un-detailed that it feels to me like it's from another toy line. Seriously, how can Firefly (and many Joes, coming up tomorrow) get so much attention to the outer wardrobe, and Storm Shadow just gets this useless hunk of crap?

New ink. Bleah.

These are Storm Shadow's accessories. No bow (his signature weapon, something else Resolute and RoC both got wrong) Bleah. What the fuck ever. This figure is just as disappointing as Storm Shadow's (lack of) characterization in Resolute.

LBAM Rating: 4/10. Easily the worst Storm Shadow released since the box sets first appeared, and far and away the worst figure of the Resolute 7 packs.

Zartan

Zartan is so badass, you just shit your pants. Seriously. Check. See? Told ya.

This guy will fuck. you. up. Yeah, the character portrayed in Resolute wasn't Zartan, but his Resolute figure is probably the best yet released (it certainly beats the pants off the Zartan released for Rise of Cobra, a huge disappointment that utterly failed to capture the character on screen). Zartan is made of a fine mix of badass, awesome, win, balls, and tits. And he comes with the best rifle Hasbro has made (yepp, the two best are both in this pack) for these figures.

This guy is awesome. Great armored look, great weapons...he's win win. He's got a great face sculpt, as well. His articulation is stellar. I don't think he fits in with the 25th Dreadnoks (I haven't tried), but I'm not worried...this is a Zartan for the 21st Century.

Even his back is crying out for some awesome backpack or a jetpack or something. I mean come on. He rocks.

I realize I'm not giving you any really useful information here. Here's my information: GO BUY HIM. Even if you don't want the rest of the pack, find a Zartan on ebay or trade for him.

LBAM Rating: 10/10. Yeah, he got short shrift in the actual animated movie. He makes an awesome figure, though. But Resolute Stalker is probably stealing that rifle; I like Zartan with his pistol, more than with a sniper rifle.

Overall, for me this pack is a win: I didn't need the 2nd CC and may look to get rid of it; Baroness and Firefly are better than expected, the 'Alley Viper' is solid but mis-named, Zartan is freaking awesome, and Destro is probably getting a different head and some customization.

Tomorrow: The G.I. Joe 7 pack, and a little bit of thinking on fanboy bitching syndrome.

Home Improved

2010-07-14T17:53:00.013-04:00

Clutter and disorganization are the bane of the toy collector. Without space, a display scheme, and some semblance of a plan, collecting quickly becomes a matter of bringing the new thing home, admiring it for a while, then hucking it on the pile and looking for the next new thing.

I don't say this to sound pedantic, but because this is what was happening to me; figures and vehicles were just piling up in my 'study', covering every available surface. I'd get some new items and just sort of toss them in the room. It became a problem; not a problem for Hoarders or one that means collecting needs to end. I just needed to get a handle on it, and besides trading/selling/giving away stuff I genuinely don't want, the foremost issue was finding a better way to display stuff than on a few crappy plastic racks from Wal-Mart, the floor, and a ten year old Ikea table. The racks, seen in a classic LBAMToyreview post* here, were fine for a collection that size, and my use of pieces of cardboard shims was ugly and terrible. I let both become the status quo for almost two years; I just bought more racks as needed, till they themselves were taking up way too much real estate (and one had been completely overtaken by the Official Wife's My Little Pony Collection). The table had become unusable for work or paint; shit was starting to encroach on my desk. Stands and accessories were everywhere. How did I fix it?

Well, first I just started organizing all the stands and accessories; no need for pictures of that because it is, in a sense, just boxes of stuff. I bought some small, plain plastic tackle boxes at Target for about 2 bucks a pop, partitioned them as needed, and went to it; separate compartments for headgear, weapons, modular weapon parts, bladed weapons, assorted body parts, and so on. One box for loose Joe stands, one for Cobra. So on. Boring, but easily accomplished while watching a ballgame of an evening. Even better, I found a lot of stuff I'd either forgotten or thought I'd lost; I thought about actually drawing up an inventory list but....there are limits to the anal nature of my nerding.

Then it came time to do something about the godawful plastic racks; they were a good temporary measure but it's been almost two years, and we're in this townhouse for at least another year. So.

View from the door

I have no right to complain. I have no right to complain. I have no right to complain. Still, it breaks up the theme a bit, don't it?

Sure, they're just shelves; but they are level, flush against the wall, take up no actual floor space, hold a ton of figures, and I put 'em up there myself, by God. Let me emphasize how easy it really was, too. Later on I'll list exactly the tools and materials; I honestly believe anybody with opposable thumbs can probably pull this off.

Cobra Shelf

It wasn't enough just to have space, though, because if I just tossed figures on a shelf I'd be back where I started. So the easiest organizational scheme is by line and then faction. It ain't hard. Furthermore, for the most part, I decided to go with one version of each character for this part of the display, and that I'd try to make them look right together. It was harder than I thought, picking just one Cobra Commander (out of the, I don't know, 12? 14?) but ultimately the Resolute body with the chrome head won out. The luminaries of Cobra high command are arranged near/behind him and the 'legions,' such as they are, are grouped into teams.

I don't care what anybody says, I love the Dreadnoks and I especially love putting 'em on accurate, scale bikes.

Joe Shelves

Same general rules here; generally one version of a character, and, more or less loosely displayed by year of origin, so that means the Original 13 spread across the front, characters from '83 behind them, and so on. I am sometimes shameless and unimaginative in my sentimentality. I almost entirely abandoned that on the second Joe shelf, as you'll see.

Of course, Gung Ho can't fucking stand up long enough to take a picture.
He's had a gimp knee since I got him out of the five pack. Or he's drunk. Equally possible.

Naturally these three have to go together; I'll probably break down and pose Storm Shadow with them soon.

My Mayday and Jinx customs, along with a hand- painted Budo I won in an ebay charity auction by Alyosha of Broken Arrow Toys.

The long view
Marvel Universe Shelf

Rather loosely organized by team and/or theme, mostly by which I mean the X-Men are together and a core of Avengers are together.

X-Men

The Avengers
The Big 3, or the 'Avengers Prime,' as I guess their mini-series is now called. It ain't bad.

Alternates Shelf

No, the shelf isn't crooked, just my camera. A shelf full of other versions of characters I like; note Resolute Duke, several Snake-Eyes, some Shipwrecks, Destros, etc.

The Floor

One of the best things about getting rid of the plastic racks and going with wall mounted shelves is that I got my floor space back, providing me plenty of space to display vehicles without taking up additional floor room; the rest under the overhang of the shelves but have space to themselves.

Awesome print of Tom Feister's G.I. Joe Origins Cover of the Snow Job issue, signed by Feister and Merrill Hagan, gift from blogger, collector, and all-around great dude, Compulsive Collector. Once further shelves are up and the room is as I want it, I'll be hanging it above the Joe shelves, where it deserves to be. Tom Feister continues to knock his Joe covers out of the park.

The Balrog

What I consider the best piece in my collection, a gift from The Official Wife for my birthday/our wedding (which coincidentally are the same day, though that wasn't the plan). A reminder that I'm not done, that more shelves need to go up and I have got to find a way to display my Lord of the Rings Collection, the toys that got me into this collecting schtick in the first place.

So, there; a huge leap forward in the organization and presentation of my collection. I still have some stuff to get rid of, and I want to put up at least 3 more of these shelves and see what other space I can squeeze out of the room (the other wall is not nearly as long and is rather cluttered with framed degrees, so t hat's not really an option.

Oh, and as for how to do this? Well I'm sure there are plenty of kits out there, but I went to Lowe's, had someone point me to the 'decorative shelving' display, and bought two sets of brackets with mounting hardware (anchors and screws) included, $10 per pair, and two 36" by 12" $8 and change each. After the fourth shelf went up, I changed my bracket choice to uglier but just as functional $2 pairs from Wal-Mart, while continuing to use the shelves from Lowes (the 48" by 12" that Cobra is on cost a little over $10).

Tools I used:
A cordless, rechargeable Black and Decker cordless drill that goes for $30 (you can go cheaper than that, as well) and will last you forever as long as you take care of it. A hammer older than me, inherited, the price of which I couldn't guess at (only used for delicately seating the anchors into the wall; probably optional). A screwdriver (the drill doubles as one, too). A $5 set of bits, and a $6 level/ruler. Most of the shelves, though not all, have also been drilled into and secured with extra screws, bags of which go for about a buck. My point? This is NOT an expensive or difficult process, and it did wonders for my display and sanity. Less than $50 worth of brackets and mounting hardware (and it would be a LOT less if I'd used the $2 brackets from the start, sucker that I am), just under $60 for the shelves, and minimal amounts for the extra screws. So, if you need to buy the drill, you're looking at a total outlay of less than $150; in my experience you aren't going to find a decent looking shelving unit that offers as much space as I have gotten out of this for that cost. I know a lot of collectors out there are in love with the Ikea Detolf glass case, but my experience with Ikea stuff (other than really simple tables) is usually less than stellar, though I did once jury rig an ex a pretty nifty customized walk-in closet out of a whole bunch of their stuff. The Detolf looks, to me, like something that'd be easily broken in a house with two cats.

My point here is, this is ultimately a pretty cost effective measure to display my collection in a manner I enjoy, and it was easy. I'm nobody's Bob Villa, trust me, and I got this done with minimal fuss.

Now to go play with some toys.

*May not actually be 'classic.'

New LBAM Custom

2010-06-21T16:30:00.006-04:00

The other day, spurred on by wild tales of 88 cent Rise of Cobra figures at Target, I hacked my way through the wilds of Wilmington to see for myself. AND LO, I did behold an entire endcap of the things, mostly of Wave 1. Counseling myself to caution about the usefulness of multiple Destros, Snake-Eyes, Dukes, and etc, I snagged only four figures; reactive armor Scarlett, Baroness, Neo-Viper, and an Ice Viper. Sure, it would've been nice to see an Agent Helix or a jetpack Hawk or an Elite Viper or Paris Pursuit Baroness what have you, but I fully expected to see nothing but the earliest waves of figures. The only later wave figures I saw were Reactive Armor Duke and Paris Pursuit Snake Eyes. At any rate, on the trip home my fevered brain worked extra hard to make sense of the possibilities offered by the figures I had just bought (or perhaps I just really needed a drink). Anyway, using the Scarlett body and head with the Baroness hair, this is what I came up with.

Sgt Paige "Mayday" Adams

G.I. Joe just flat out does not have enough female characters in the mix right now. Scarlett, Lady Jaye, Helix, Cover Girl, Dial Tone...anybody else? My only previously posted custom is Jinx. Cobra is in even more desperate need, as they have only Baroness...no Pythona, no Vipra, no Zarana or Zanya. So between her and Jinx I'm trying to ameliorate that a little bit. The 'construction' here is obviously pretty simple and very closely related to my Jinx custom; a Reactive Armor Scarlett body, with color brushed on to all the 'armored' parts. It was more complex this time, though, because I essentially painted everything on the body but the gloves and molded 'straps' for her armor, with a midnight blue color. I felt the blue/silver was the most distinctive element of Mayday's appearance in the Devil's Due Comics, and one of the things I enjoyed the most about the DDP run was the fact that it brought a lot of new blood to the mix. In reference to Mayday's specialty, Urban Combat, I first gave her a Marauder Inc. MP5, but then, mostly what I remember about her from the comics is her marksmanship, so I've also given her a Marauder Inc M14 EBR. I pried Baroness's hair loose and put it on Scarlett's head; I also cut off the bits that draped over the shoulders and impeded her articulation; I gave it a bit of light brown because Mayday had brown, not black, hair, though it could perhaps use yet more lightening. I also put Baroness's glasses on her because I seem to recall Mayday occasionally wearing shooting goggles/glasses, even if I can't find any evidence on the internet for it.

Anyway, there it is. I'm not terribly happy with it; I think the idea is good but the execution not great. I need to work on thinning out the paint and using thinner, more numerous coats. I may, later in the summer, dip her in pine-sol (great for removing paint without damaging figures, or so I've found) and do it over again, but for now, she'll do.

Pursuit of Cobra Spirit

2010-05-29T21:19:00.010-04:00

I am a weak, weak man, readers. When figures pop up a few months away from release on e-Bay and I see all the sweet gear, the new sculpting, well, the allure of the new, I cannot extend my willpower very far. Sure, the Spirit figure I just got in the mail yesterday will cost less than half of what I paid for it when it sits on the pegs at Toys'R'Us (5 minutes from where I sit) in the fall. But Spirit is on my table now; it's like owning the future.

Spirit is easily one of my favorite Joes, and unlike most of the fans I heard from, I actually loved the 25th Anniversary Spirit.

Let me tell you, no joke, no exaggeration, this Spirit is as big a step forward from the 25th Anniversary Spirit as the Anniversary Spirit was from the DTC Spirit. Hasbro is advancing its design, sculpting, painting, and all-around production by leaps and bounds.

Yeah, that's right; I'm drinking the Kool-Aid. Sue me. Anyway, on to the meat.

Yeah, that old design really looks, uh...troublesome.

There's no need for me to use this space to once again defend G.I. Joe's record for diversity, but this new Spirit makes the case even stronger. Yes, there are Native American elements to his design, but he looks like a soldier. A soldier with some customized kit and alternate grooming standards, sure, but not buckskin and fringe and gold bracelets and braids. What elements do show Spirit's heritage?

Well, those armbands and arm guard/gauntlets sure drive the point home quickly, don't they? Yet they're understated, and the paint apps, on this specimen at least, are downright perfect. In fact, quality paint seems to be a hallmark of this figure.

Sure, it's the same vest we've seen on the Pit Commando and Footloose (possibly others I'm not thinking of), but the simple addition of the metallic paint on the buckles and the different color of the sculpted pistol really make it pop.

Additionally the paint on the legs is pretty clean, but I'm not sure I get the point of the white spots in the camo pattern

As someone who appreciates visual symmetry, this is going to drive me nuts. Why is one knee a sculpted black kneepad and the other a plain green joint? It's not a matter of just a lack of paint; the pieces are actually different. Why? If he needs to kneel upon one knee, it might be safe to assume that he might need to kneel upon the other. Silly and annoying.

But let's be honest; this is the best I can come up with to complain about. Well, this and the horrid relic of a rifle he comes with, the same one that came with Switch Gears back in the dark ages (2003-2004). I recognized it because the Switch Gears/Scarlett Desert Patrol Squad 2 pack was, I think, the only Joe item I purchased between 2001 and 2007 (at a Wal-Mart in Virginia on a long road trip to search for Toybiz Lord of the Rings and Marvel Legends...none of which I found).

At any rate, there isn't much to complain about with this figure. Just check out this headsculpt. Try not to fall in love with it. I know I can't. Sigh.

He comes with a wide array of ways to deal death and mayhem. Including...Snakes? Fight Cobra with cobras? (rimshot)

Alright, the snakes are silly. The hatchet and rifle have been seen before, but axes are always welcome. The bow and quiver and arrow are, as best I can tell, new, as is the oversized (or 'magnum') kukri. I love the incorporation of missile and melee weapons that demonstrate modern takes on ancient, reliable design. It helps bring this character into the 21st century.

I would, of course, be just tickled if the bow had a string of some kind, but I can see the dilemma here. Strings on a bow this size are going to be flimsy and inhibiting, break easy, or be forever posed (think, say, of the compound bow that came in the SE/SS comic pack with the arrow forever nocked and drawn). I do appreciate that, while he has a quiver of sculpted arrows, he also comes with one loose arrow that can be clipped into place. That arrow has particular detailing that might lead one to believe it could be fit to a string. The arrowhead is also carefully sculpted, and rather-wicked looking; I had expected a simple flat, broad point.

Oh, and even the stand has been redesigned, if only slightly.

The stars are on the right are gone; I just can't wait to hear some nutjob claim that lack is indicative of a conspiracy on Hasbro's part to make G.I. Joe less American and to help the globalization agenda of the New World Order. They, I assume, are wearing tinfoil hats right now and frothing as I make fun of them.

To sum up, this new version of Spirit Iron-Knife is ready to kick your ass. If your ass needs an arrow stuffed up it, he's got that covered. If you need choppin' into bits, he's ready.

Make one crack about scalping or counting coup. I fucking dare you.

Given that I hate the oversized rifle/shotgun combo he comes with, I have issued him a Marauder M14 EBR. I'd been tucking the shotgun attachment in there but it does make it rather difficult for him to hold properly (though I may try gluing it in). I also tried out the Marauder SCAR (too bulky for him to assume a firing position with his vest on) and the M4 (grip was too loose in his right hand).

Juuuuust right.

Now this is a false dilemma, or an invented problem, but I really, really wish there was a way for him to stow all his gear. As it is I can sort of secure the bow and the kukri in his quiver but I worry about stressing the plastic. If some enterprising fan who knew somewhat about casting were to design a loop for the hatchet and a sheath for the kukri (melee weapons seem to be a staple of the figures these days) they might be able to make a tidy little sum. Especially given that the pouches on his thighs simply pop off.

If sheaths could be made that'd slip on there, I know damn sure I'd buy them, and I'm sure I'm not alone. As it is, I have some holster sets on the way from Hunter Artworks and I may try to see if I can fit one of them on here and give Spirit a sidearm.

So, to sum up, I have only the smallest of small nitpicks with this figure; the single kneepad, the dumb rifle/shotgun, lack of a place to stow all his gear (a terrible excuse for a complaint). T

Pursuit of Cobra is really the next level, and Spirit is indicative of that. It's such a damn good figure I'll probably buy it when it comes out anyway and try to make a custom of some kind of the spare.

Addendum: I do miss Freedom. But what, exactly, would Spirit do with a North American eagle in the jungle?

Meet Cobra's New Trooper!

2010-04-25T22:03:00.008-04:00

MINTY THE MINT VIPER!

Hi. Uh, it's actually Ninja Viper, um. At least that's what the recruiter said.

Though issued a laughably bright and silly uniform, surely Cobra spares no expense for his arms and equipment, yes?

SWORDS!

Swords are cool. I guess. I could've sworn I saw these things
at one of those stores at the mall that sweaty fat guys in ICP t-shirts hang out at.

Surely there's nothing wrong with swords. They're a great backup weapon, right? What else is he packing?

THING?!...NINJA JUMP ROPE?

Down by the banks of the hanky-panky where the bullfrog...hey it's good exercise.

MINTY FRESH SMELL

Fred A: That is really quite refreshing!
Minty: Thanks!

MINTY ATTEMPTS TO FIT IN!

Minty: Hey guys. Uh, aren't those WWII surplus rifles a little...obsolete?
Fred A: Says the dude carrying swords?
Fred B: Yeah, you sure you wanna go there, meat?
Minty: Meat? I'm just trying to m...

A SHOT CRACKS OUT!

Fred A: Shit shit shit! Scatter!
Fred B: I regret nothing!

MEANWHILE...SOMEWHERE FAR AWAY THAT ONLY LOOKS LIKE THE SAME WAL-MART BATTLESTATION BACKGROUND, BUT DEFINITELY ISN'T

Mainframe: Shit. If only Korea had been this easy.

Fin.

Ninja Viper LBAM Rating: 7/10. Bit of a lazy repaint/kitbash. The gear is nice, and I don't mind seeing it used 3 times in the 25th and ROC lines so far (Comic pack SS, Ninja Viper, Kamakura).
Minty's Comic Potential: Unlimited.

A smattering of Marvel Universe figures

2010-02-10T21:53:00.009-05:00

Warning: Actual "Toy Review" Content ahead.

Just some reviews of some Marvel Universe figures.

Some first thoughts: Is Marvel Universe the best line of the past 12 months? The line is roughly a year old, with 40 or so individual characters released, and multiple versions of certain characters. The sculpting and painting is top notch (with some notable exceptions; it took me 4 tries to find a Namor who didn't appear to have eczema), and while I wish certain design choices had been different, the reuse/repainting of bodies generally works. How many different body types do most superheroes have, anyway? So long as Rob Liefield isn't drawing them, anyway.

Anyway, we'll start with Vision, mostly because he's the first figure I grabbed.

I feel I need a Scarlet Witch figure to teach me of this human thing you call 'love.'

I have density and mass control you know. Theoretically I could be even more buff.

I can't believe it took Hasbro a year to get on the ball with providing stands for all the MU single pack figures, when it had been a part of the modern Joe line from the beginning. I'm glad they're finally doing it. I wish they'd offer, say, a pack of stands for all the previously released figures, or a pack of blank stands or something, though I understand that's really unlikely for a mass market line like this (i.e., it's the kind of thing only collectors would really care for, so it's not going to be worth Hasbro's while to produce).

Secondly, while I might have expected a more streamlined, less muscular body for this character, it works, and I think the paint has a lot to do with it. By using the smooth, metallic paint, it de-emphasizes the musculature of the body. And the face sculpt is just top notch. The 'solar gem' that sits at the top of his head could perhaps be a little more pronounced, but I think, as is, it is running up against the limitations of the 1:18th scale.

I also think the cape is a good compromise between "stiff plastic" and soft goods. Obviously it leans more toward the former than the latter, but it's very flexible and...this is important...it doesn't impinge flexibility and articulation. Too many of the hard plastic capes do just that. I mean, look, I don't need my figures to be able to sit down to tea parties (well, not yet...let's not set anything in stone) but when a cape or a skirt or some other piece of hard plastic haberdashery prevents me from achieving basic poses I get annoyed. Vision's cape doesn't do that. And it looks great.

All in all, a perfectly executed figure, honestly. It's not the best figure of the line, or the most thrilling...and a lack of accessories (aside from a stand) is a little hard to swallow in an $8 figure (but then, what accessories SHOULD Vision have?)...but I don't know how it could be made better. Excepting, of course, the supposed upcoming translucent "phasing" version.
LBAM Rating: 9/10. Perfectly executed though not...not quite thrilling. Translucent version gets a 10 if I ever find it (not that I believe it's out yet, I'm just anticipating difficulty finding a variant).

Next up: Contemporary Captain America

What says "America" more than "gun?"

Seriously, apparently it was a big deal for some when the new Captain America (Bucky Barnes, aka Winter Soldier) started carrying a gun. Who cares? It's the 21st Century. Superheroes have been carrying guns forever. Did the original Cap go through all of WWII without shooting some Nazis? Unlikely.

I think I like this Cap design better than the classic or ultimate versions. First of all, I'm a sucker for just about anything Alex Ross designs. Have been since I first saw the cover of Kingdom Come.

The pictures show all the great features of this figure, but none of the drawbacks. First, it is sometimes difficult to get his shield to hold a good position on the arm; I have found this to be the case on all 3 versions of Cap that I own (even though this uses a different mold than the others) but that is, I believe, a tendency of the plastic on the shield and not the figure. The legs are pretty thin and wobbly; it's hard to maintain a pose, even utilizing a stand. The belt can sometimes get in the way of posing and the hip joints don't want to move all that much anyway. The belt can be hitched up, but then it obscures part of the costume design. Ultimately, though, the drawbacks don't even come close to outweighing the positives. It's just dead on to the design, and that's what I love about this character. I replaced his revolver (which looks to me to be a mate to the 25th Anniversary G.I. Joe Wild Bill/Crimson Guard .44 Colts) with a Marauder pistol; it fits in the holster but not necessarily all that snugly.

LBAM Rating: 8.7/10 A very sharp looking fig; design and paint overcome flaws.

Just two quick reviews I wrote well over a week ago. I have more pictures taken and hope to get to some more content soon.

Give a geek a blizzard...

2010-02-07T16:50:00.008-05:00

...and a geek will give you pictures of his toys in the snow.

Nothing original about this one. Just experimenting with some outdoor shooting. The light, of course, is best out there and some of the pictures came out, I think, quite spectacularly. I assure you this is an accident and not due to any skill or craft.

Frankly I can't wait for more snow-environment specific Joe figures and characters. Loved them since I was a kid. However, I think it likely I will pass on EXTREEEEEM TO THE MAXXX Snowboard Duke seen here. Of course, I might also get him and just ditch the snowboard, which is, let's be charitable, of dubious military application. I mean, skis? Sure. Snowshoes? Boot-claw attachments? Ice axes? All possibilities. But snowboards? Anyway, on to the pics of my small G.I. Joe Snow Squad.

Snow Job is easily one of my favorite 25th Anniversary figures, and giving him a Marauder John
M-14 EBR with scope attachment only makes him better.

I think he meshes just fine with the RoC figs and vehicles here. And yes, I realize that shot got a bit of my house in it, but tough. Pretend it's some massive Arctic facility. Suspend a little disbelief. Ice can sink if you imagine hard enough, after all.

TRU Exclusive Doc and Shipwreck are figures I really, really like. I don't even the mind the rather shockingly bright Doc colors; I get the Search and Rescue aspect of it. Shipwreck, the actual figures, LOOKS great, and the paint apps on his beard and backpack are top notch. His accessories are baffling, aside from his pack (same as the Pit commandos, in brown, since it's not particularly visible in the pics). But the billhook and M1 rifle have to go, and there is no place for Polly with this figure, and I mean that literally; there's nowhere for her to roost. And why would Shipwreck bring his tropical bird to the arctic? Nonsense.

I will admit that today is the only day since I bought it on sale that I haven't regretted getting the Ice Dagger. Great concept, terribly executed.

Now for Cobra's answer to the Joe menace.

I just have to say that I love this picture. The Official Wife of LBAM said it looks like a Cobra recruiting poster. I agree.

Loved the way the Cobra symbol and detail of the fig seemed to jump out on this one. Wondering if it'd be worth doing a little light gray/off white paint wash on the "fur" parts of my many snow Serpents.

Well, there they are; how I spent the blizzard of 2010. The parts that didn't involve heavy drinking and video games, anyway.

The People You Meet on Toy Collecting Boards, Vol 4

2010-01-26T13:11:00.005-05:00

That's right folks! Time for another installment of "The People You Meet!," the ever expanding file of stereotypes found on toy collecting boards!

1. The Toy Queen

"Hi boys!" (insert high angled shot here)

Prone to posting cleavage-enhancing shots using the patented "Myspace angle" technique, this girl just loooooves the attention she gets on a message board full of sweaty, socially awkward nerds who apparently don't know how to talk to a girl in real life. She apparently really does collect the toys in question (in this case, boy-oriented action figures) though whether she does it solely because it immediately puts her into a social sphere - where, just by dint of being female and thus a scarce resource, she is be-pedestaled by hordes of adoring bootlickers - is in question Actual femininity not required.

2. The Shitty Customizer

This guy loves to slop some crappy Wal-Mart "Apple Barrel" paint all over his precious toys and call them customs. Especially prone to making AWESOME SELF CUSTOMS. This usually consists of the most buff, muscle-bound body he can find, with a bald head stuck on, and some crappy facial hair (usually a chin beard) thrown on. Often posed with 1:18th scale skateboards or BMX bikes, in case the viewer doubted the level of sophistication they were dealing with here. This dude never stops ruining figures unless he loses interest in the hobby and moves on or learns from his mistakes and gets better. The problem is that the latter is not likely to happen, because the atmosphere of many popular toyboards encourages telling everyone what an awesome custom he made, even when it's got horrible paint applications, terrible sculpted hair, a poor idea with poorer execution...frankly, no matter how awful a custom is, a bunch of other Shitty Customizers run forward to praise it, in the hopes that their next shitty custom gets the same level of approval.

There is a special subset, or perhaps an overlap, of the above two types; the Shitty Chick Customizer. In this case, no matter how poorly executed a custom is, other posters will fly out of the woodwork to shower it with the highest of high praise. This, in turn, only encourages the Toy Queen to post even more of her customs. It's a vicious cycle.

There's also the subset of the Disturbing Customizers, who enjoy using far too much blood splatter and making custom figures of Michael Vick and a group of 'attack pit bulls.' I've seen two of these, by the way, by separate 'customizers.'

Actually talented customizers are NOT related to this type. They know who they are, and so does everybody else.

3. The Tough Guy

These guys usually don't last long on the board...and of course, they are all over the internet, not just the toy boards...but there are several different categories. One is the guy who exaggerates his own personal toughness; he is capable, example, of having once lifted a loaded vending machine (they can weigh up to 2000 pounds, by the way) in order to get candy out of it and impress the ladies. Or he's a veteran who carried all kinds of improbable gear in one of the recent conflicts and clearly doesn't know what the hell he's talking about, but gets all whiny when the actual veterans drop by his threads and point out the silly inconsistencies in what he says. The other kind is the guy whose every post just drips with hostility. He can't be questioned. He can't be reasoned with. HE KNOWS.

4. The Antiquarian

"Toys from the 80s are antiques! Anyone who opens one is a moron and ought to be shot!"

Sure, they're antiques. Try taking them to a real antique shop and see what happens. They may have value in the package to other collectors, but really valuable antiques are far more rare than the mass-produced toys of the 1980s, and usually valuable not merely because of age but because of qualities of craftsmanship or design or connection.

There. More later, one hopes.

New Post! A couple of easy customs.

2010-01-23T14:18:00.006-05:00

First ever official LBAMToyreview Custom Post

Yeah, it's been since July. There's really no legitimate excuses here. I haven't been engaged in any other projects that have kept me from blogging (other than, I guess, working 3 jobs from September to December, but that does not account for the month of August, weekends, breaks, etc). I throw myself on the mercy of my audience, such as it is.

At any rate, does anyone out there have a decent explanation as to why there hasn't been a Jinx figure in the 25th Anniversary or Rise of Cobra lines yet?

No, you don't. Because there isn't one.

The line as a whole, from 25th Anniversary through Rise of Cobra, is in need of more female figures. Cobra has Baroness, in five different versions (six, I suppose, if you count the Con set, which I don't). The Joes have it a bit better, though given that the RoC line has introduced three more Joe female characters, two of which are more or less entirely new (Dialtone and Helix), why on earth has it not included Jinx, especially given that she almost certainly appeared in the movie?

Well, perhaps that's overstatement. Maybe that actress just happens to have enough of the right characteristics to make us all wish she were Jinx. At any rate, a lack of Jinx figures feels like a missed opportunity (granted, there's only ever been 3 versions of her). And for those of us who'd really like to complete the Arashikage clan (I'm assuming that we cannot reasonably expect the Soft Master, Blind Master, or Billy, and frankly do not care if we ever see any of the members of Ninja Force) there's really only one choice; customization.

Now, the 'recipe' I used here is far from original; I'm almost certain I've seen it elsewhere. I wanted to make a Jinx that would work with the more modern-looking RoC and future releases, that also paid homage to her earlier appearances, and even incorporated some of her Devil's Due look, which I thought was a huge improvement over her original design. So, without further ado

Yeah, that's basically just a Reactive Armor Scarlett with a RoC Flash head. Why the Flash head? Well, one, I can't find a decent Asian Female head for her, and the RoC Flash head closely resembles Jinx's DDP comic look. If anyone out there has a head they think will work and is interested in selling or trading, I'd love to have swappable heads.

I really didn't want an all black Jinx, though I don't tend to mind that loook on some of the other RoC figures. So I turned to my trusty Reaper Paints for a little "Blood Red," thinned with a bit of water. A note on painting; I haven't painted many Joe figures. My experience in painting is with RPG miniatures, which I generally find easier to paint than Joes, oddly enough. With figures this size I feel like errors are harder to cover, and smooth even coats are more difficult to attain. I've only really fully painted three or four Joe size figures, but scores of minis. Now, bear in mind, I'm not a great mini painter, but I'm decent enough at it that my gaming friends ask me to paint their minis for them (maybe they're just lazy). At any rate, all I really tried to do with the paint here was get a coat over all of the raised armor plates on this Scarlett body, and then put on a thin clear coat of sealer. Any tips on Joe painting are welcome, but overall I'm reasonably pleased with how Jinx turned out. And yes, there's an amateurish dry-brush on her firearms; I always apply a bit of gunmetal drybrush to any black weapons, whether from Hasbro or Marauder John. When done right, I love the 'distressed metal' look the weapons take on.
Jinx is wearing the backpack and webgear from the Target Rescue Mission exclusive Snake-Eyes (the sets are $5 at my Target right now) and carrying his sword, which I touched up with the same red for the hilt, and more Reaper 'honed steel' for the blade. Her firearms come from other RoC figures; one of the pistols from the Scarlett fig that makes up her body, the smg (an MP97, I think) from Paris Pursuit Baroness.

As you can see in these last photos, I took the crossbow holster from the Scarlett figure, cut the belt off and went ahead and glued it to her boot as an ankle holster. Bigger than a typical ankle holster, sure, but I much prefer my figures to have functional holsters and sheaths whenever possible, and I didn't want to try and get both belts on her.

So there she is; my first officially posted custom. Fire away.

But wait, there's more! Want to see the easiest recipe ever for a custom Rise of Cobra-style Flint?

Of course you do!

That's just a 25th Anniversary G.I. Joe 5-Pack #2 Flint head and webgear tossed onto the Wal-Mart exclusive LAW mini-battlestation Hawk body. Sure, it doesn't have the buttoned-up shirt of the classic Flint, but I think it works well enough. Now, the color of the head and the color of the neck aren't a perfect match; the neck is much paler. I find I'm capable of ignoring it.

I do not, however, think Flint is Flint without a shotgun. To wit:

I cut the holster off of this Hawk's belt, and the tip off of the holster, and carefully glued it onto the back belt part of Flint's webgear. The first 25th Anniversary Shipwreck's sawed-off shotgun slips into it perfectly.

The one potential problem with this recipe is that Flint's webgear is not really wide enough to fasten around Hawk's waist. I dipped it in some boiling water to stretch it and pulled it around, but it has a bit of trouble staying fastened. It's hardly a deal breaker...and let's face it, this is hardly exactly a revolutionary recipe, so who cares really...but it needs to be pushed back into
place now and then.

So there they are, two wildly unoriginal customs. But I enjoyed making them and incorporating them into my collection, and ultimately, isn't that the point?

Defense of Cobra Island

2009-07-29T22:12:00.010-04:00

So you'll notice that we here at LBAMToyreview have a flexible definition of "tomorrow," which is when it was stated that reviews of the Defense of Cobra Island pack would appear.

Mistakes were made. Schedules were not considered. People have been sacked. Trust us.

One note: this review is not going to include the Alley Viper, since he has already been covered in detail in this space. Now, onto the reviews!

Dr. Mindbender.

Either the 1980s really were a more innocent time, or the folks who designed this were shocked when it got approved.

Look, a host of jokes present themselves, ok? But they're all either too easy or bordering on homophobic, and LBAMToyreview is better than that. It is impossible not to point out that the silver...thing...Dr. Mindbender carries answers rather too easily to the word "probe."

Haff you been naughty? Ve know you haff. No mustache ride! Only ze probe!

Ok, so maybe this blog isn't above some of the easy jokes. But in all seriousness, is there any chance a guy this ripped, dressed as he is, wouldn't be welcome in your friendly neighborhood BDSM club?

Of course, ultimately the question that needs answering is whether Mindbender is a good figure. He is, with a well-sculpted, iconic face, nicely detailed chest straps (props to CompulsiveCollector

for demonstrating the no fuss way to get his straps to sit straight on his torso) and a throwback soft cape. I tend to prefer the harder capes for durability and quality reasons...this small, these soft capes never really fall or fold well...but this works well enough for a classic Mindbender update. Where exactly does an orthodontist who performs groundbreaking research
into the use of electronically induced hypnosis, only to have it go horribly wrong and turn him into
a diabolical genius find enough hours in the day to get this ripped?

You know, as silly as Mindbender's backstory might seem...it is really just as I described in that rambling block of text up there stretching the limits of the term 'caption'...is it really so much weirder than that of dozens of other comic book villains? I doubt it. Mindbender does seem to be that catch-all "scientist" that sci-fi media tends to use; he's an orthodontist by trade who also knows enough about genetics to clone an ultimate leader out of the DNA of history's greatest leaders, he's a genius roboticist who created the Cobra B.A.T.s, and he can create weaponized vines...that's a pretty impressive resume.

I love that the back of the harness...which you wouldn't ordinarily see...has this much work put into it. I really do. Enough of my yakkin'. On with the ratings.
LBAM Rating: 8.7. Good, not thrilling, a solid reuse of existing parts with new head. In need of more accessories.

Lamprey

For my money, this guy wins "best of the 7 pack, non Alley Viper category" all day long. Mindbender has his uses, the Night Creeper is sweet, the Range Viper is better than expected...but the Lamprey takes the cake. He just oozes danger and competence. The translucent blue visor is the kind of detail I just love.

He also features a surprising amount of new tooling (at least I think it's new) for his SMG, sidearm, vest, backpack, hoses, and even upper torso...I can't think of any other 25th figure with that sculpted gorget-type thing around the neck. He's just a badass. I'm not sure why I love this figure so very much, but I do. I expected the entire helmet to be removable, given that the quite-similar-lamprey type figure in black and red for the Rise of Cobra line appears to have a removable helmet, but it hardly hurts the overall appearance or use of the figure.

Were he single carded, I'd be buying the hell out of him, especially in these classic colors.
LBAM Rating: 9.5/10. Not quite the Alley Viper, but a damn fine figure.

Air Viper

Why do I already own 3 Air Vipers? There's no excuse. It's a fine enough figure, but there is no reason for him to see three separate releases...four, soon, with the advent of Target RoC exclusives...so quickly. I am all for reusing, repainting, etc. But I don't need to own any more of these guys.
LBAM Rating: 7/10. Nice. Not thrilling, but nice. Cobra Pilots are always less interesting figures to me than are Cobra ground-pounders or Cobra naval troopers. Not sure why.

Cobra BAT

I am ALL for battle-damaged robots. Battle damaged robots create ambience in flair in a collection. I dig it. Quick question, though; why, if the regular carded BAT could have a nifty black paint wash on his extremities, does this guy, who has clearly seen better days, have shiny, shiny metal limbs. Did he just break out a polishing kit in the middle of a firefight? The black wash would've made this figure complete. Sure, I CAN give it one on my own...and I probably will...but c'mon. Still, the battle damage is sweet.

That is craftsmanship right there, dammnit. I also dig that he comes with the first-comic appearance backpack, spores, and vines...but I also wouldn't mind if all the other B.A.T. limbs came with it as well.
LBAM Rating: 8.9. A black wash makes it a 10. Also, mine came with a spare head but not a spare chestplate, and I have heard some chatter that others had spare chestplates. Anything to that?

Night Creeper

That is a man's crossbow right there. Early Cuyler would kill to hang that thing on the rack on his truck-boat-truck.

Despite the presence of several shades of purple, the Night Creeper is a man's ninja. Really a great update to the classic, though I wouldn't mind seeing different arms, I can live with the Flint arms. The crossbow really makes the figure. I mean honestly.

Seriously, I think Sgt. Detritus might carry that thing. If you got both references, congratulations...you are just as big a geek as I am.

Anyway, this figure harkens to the very end of my childhood G.I. Joe collecting/playing and is somehow extra nostalgic for that fact. He really is a terrific update, and I look forward to opportunities to round out my ranks of Night Creepers.
LBAM Rating: 9.2/10

Range Viper

The above was the best picture of the Range Viper I took. Point? I took some seriously shitty pictures the other night. Ah well.

Well, alright...this one is better. Regardless, this is a really well made fig. I should've given a close up of the skull mask (beneath which lurks a blue Beachhead head) and in his hand there is a Marauder, Inc. grenade launcher, not his standard issue. I recommend it for all grenade launcher needs. If I'm looking at it right, this figure really needed very little new tooling to be an awesome new figure. It's well done. What else do you want? Not every figure lends itself to cheap jokes about anal probes, ok?

LBAM Rating: 9/10

Well, that wraps up the Cobra Island 7-packs. With any luck, and a steady supply of beer, I may get some more Rise of Cobra reviews up this week.

Cobra Island 7-Packs!

2009-07-21T23:34:00.014-04:00

I'm sure most of us remember lingering over the catalog photos of toys we wanted as kids; in the Sears "Wishbook" or a Christmas circular from the local toy store (which is itself a relic of bygone days). I know I'd stare at the stuff so hard it was like I could actually wish it into existence.

I think that's how all G.I. Joe Collectors have felt since February, when the Assault and Defense of Cobra Island 7-packs were announced at ToyFair 2009. And now they've finally...finally...arrived. Rather oddly, it took just shy of forever for them to even go up for pre-order at most sites, yet when they did, they arrived and shipped out almost immediately. At any rate, today, happiness...or something like it...arrived via UPS.

The 7-packs as a whole are just pure and total win. The Joe pack brings a fantastic assortment of fan favorite new figures, with but a single previously released fig in the bunch...and in new colors that can pass for a Night Force version.

The Cobra pack offers just the one new character along with 6-troop builders, and I find the assortment slightly puzzling. I mean, did we really need the opportunity to buy 3 different releases of Strato-Vipers/Air-Vipers in the past month? I know I didn't.

I'll try to keep my remarks quick for each figure, since there are so many to get through, and knowing me, if I don't do them all at once, right now, I never will. To wit:

Recondo

So, Recondo, summarized; stache is wicked, wrapped rifle is nostalgic, and a well detailed new sculpt that I failed to take a decent picture of. The well-sculpted, removable boonie hat is a fantastic touch, and while I wish that he still had a watch on his left wrist, the mix of parts (Dusty torso, fixed-Duke arms) works all together. All in all, I dig this figure quite a bit, though I am not totally bowled over by it. I would buy a Tiger Force repaint, however.

Haven't decided whether to keep him equipped with this rifle and try to paint it a bit, or issue him a Marauder M-14. Thoughts?
LBAM Rating: 8.0

Outback

There is an intense air of "do not fuck with this man" coming off this face sculpt.

I think I like this version of Outback better than the one that came with the Flak Cannon, maybe because I love me some sub-teams, and this is as close to a Night Force Outback we're ever going to get.

Love the removable flashlight, love that he comes with a backpack, that I have also failed to take decent pictures of. The flashlight, when held, does leave an unsightly gash in his leg, to wit;

LBAM Rating: 8.9

Hit and Run

Hit&Run was probably my favorite, favorite figure of my later phase of Joe collecting as a kid. There was just a more realistic feel about him, and the gear he came with was top-notch. While I quite like this new Hit&Run...I mean, come ON, it's a 25th Anniversary HIT&RUN, PEOPLE!...the gear he comes isn't what I wish it were. I mean, I doubt the tooling for his old duffel&knife are around anywhere, but I would've loved to see an approximation of them. Airborne's backpack+grappling hook don't quite get it done, if you ask me.
They do work, mind you...but they just lack the cool factor of his duffel. And of course I've already given him a Marauder M4.

LBAM Rating: 8.8. The green IS a little too bright, but I genuinely like this figure.

Ripcord

Your stand says "Spc. Altitude," but we know you're really Ripcord.

They said they wouldn't do it. And in a sense, I suppose, Hasbro can continue to say that they didn't, in fact, do it...but this is Ripcord. They didn't manage to give him his FN Fal rifle, but the camo is right, the gear is close enough...it loses a little given that the hose doesn't connect to anything, but just sort of hangs there. The wrap-around parachute gear is pretty sweet, but doesn't seem likely to come off without removing his legs.
I already issued him a Marauder Inc G36 to replace what he came with...his right hand has been so stretched out by being packed holding onto the rifle that it's nearly impossible to get anything without an enormous handle in there. Fun fact: as a kid, I insisted my figures hold their primary weapons in their right hands. Because I'm right-handed, you see. I've gotten over that. Mostly.
The helmet doesn't look so good without the face mask on. Helmet sort of crowds the face.

This headsculpt perhaps makes him look a bit too old.

Not a lot of gear, but a great figure. I mean, c'mon, it is classic Ripcord. Yet the fanboys will continue to bitch, no matter how much great stuff Hasbro turns out.

Wet-Suit

I do not care if he was originally planned as Diver Duke or what.

It looks like Wet-Suit. I don't care if the helmet isn't precisely right. He could use the flashlight, but I might have one of those hanging around somewhere. He, of course, needed his silly speargun replaced with something more functional; he's not going fishing.

Love this figure, absolutely stoked that it actually had a new headsculpt; I expected to see just another Torpedo face, which I am downright sick of. When you throw the new straps across the body, it's comes across as an entirely different fig. Love it.
LBAM Rating:9.8/10

Chuckles

There are two minor miracles at play here; the fact that a Chuckles figure came out at all, and the fact that I bought it. Blame G.I. Joe: Cobra, the good-to-excellent G.I. Joe comic from IDW, which made the character interesting for the first time. I feel like Hasbro kind of missed the boat on this one, though. Initially, there were pictures of a darker-shirted Chuckles that looked much snazzier than what we got. I kind of dig the headsculpt; he looks like a dickweed from an SEC school. That's kind of how I picture Chuckles anyway.

But the accessories are lacking, and the hands are pure and total fail.

They worked on Spirit. They kinda-sorta worked on Mainframe, but on Chuckles, it's just a disaster. I'm not sure why he has gloved hands at all, or why he has these gloved hands. I'm tempted to go pick up another Sgt. Stone figure from the Rise of Cobra line and swap his hands; he has fantastic gloved hands (and is a great figure, but that's for another day).

His only firearm is a resounding "meh." And I'd prefer him not to have a leg with a knife-sheath on it; he's supposed to be an undercover operative. Undercover operatives might carry briefcases or satchels but not great bloody big knives on their legs. I mean honestly.

Ultimately the gear he comes with is pretty useless, and his hands need replacing. Not sure what I'm going to do about all that, but I'll figure something out. And finally, I don't think there is any excuse for non-functional shoulder holsters anymore. There just isn't.
LBAM Rating: 7.8. Still a lot of potential here.

Zap

Homerun. That's the only word for it. Zap is straight out of the damn park.

LBAM Rating: 10. Probably the best-sculpted and most interesting of the "greenshirt" contingent of the original 13. Perfect.

Of course, I can't find his damn helmet. It's in the study/toy-room somewhere but I'll be damned if I can find it.

I'll get to the Cobra figures tomorrow; too late to deal with 'em now.

Rise of Cobra strikes early in Delaware!

2009-07-02T21:29:00.015-04:00

Picked up some RoC toys early here in DE and rushed, RUSHED, breathlessly, without stopping to eat or rest or speak to the Official Wife or pet the Official Cats, to get my fellow nerds amateurish pictures and my own sophomoric thoughts on them! Huzzah!

Cobra Gunship

The Cobra Gunship. I apologize that I just could not seem to figure out a way to get a decent full shot of the thing. These pictures are, admittedly, rushed. But this thing has a really streamlined, near-future feel. And for those of you complaining (I can hear you!) that this thing wouldn't fly, that it looks like a helicopter missing its rotor, I ask you to explain how this, this, or this would fly, then tell me again how Rise of Cobra is destroying everything that was ever good about G.I. Joe. The armament on here is a little sparse; these two missiles, some bombs, and one forward gun, so it doesn't quite live up to the name "Gunship." Even so, it has plenty of neat features.

Unfortunately, the pilot isn't one of them. Why they chose a basic Firefly mold, slapped some new webgear and a helmet on, I don't know, especially considering Firefly is already getting a release as a TRU exclusive. This figure is not inspiring. The webgear is nice, and the tubes hook into spots in the cockpit. But why not put it on some MARS trooper or Neo-Viper type figure? Can't answer that one.

The cockpit IS pretty nicely detailed for a Joe vehicle; a decal or some color wouldn't hurt, though. The decals/color for this gunship are a little under par; it is almost a flat gray, the decals are all clear with red symbols or writing, the missiles and bombs are red. While it is sleek, some highlights, some paint, some black would look pretty great here or there. What IS good about it? The overall look and design, and the passenger compartment.

Who could the mystery passenger be?!?

Plenty of space back there for troops, for VIPs, what have you. I would really like it if there was some kind of gun emplacement that popped out; in fact, in the earliest pictures I thought that's what the purpose of the door was, but I'll take the passenger space, and the possibility for neat poses/dio shots it offers.

Mile high club? You better believe it.

Overall, the best thing this vehicle has going is its futuristic design. Unlike many Cobra vehicles, it looks lethal and advanced, not like something a bad sci-fi writer dreamt up on a coke binge.

LBAM Rating: 8.5/10. I may, if I feel brave, take some paint to this to try and create some highlights. I mistrust my skill level; I am much more comfortable painting in the 15mm scale, where my errors are all but invisible to the naked eye. I'd say this is definitely worth getting, especially for army builders, where it has a modicum of versatility as both an assault aircraft and a transport.

Steel Crusher APV

A sign of purest evil.

We here at LBAMtoyreview have long believed that those civilians who choose to drive Hummers are simply and effectively declaring that they do not give a crap about their fellow man, not those that share the road with them, nor, indeed, those who merely share the planet (we carefully point out that those driving Hummers in a military, police, or rescue capacity are not lumped herein). Driving one of these by choice is effectively displaying an upraised middle finger to the rest of the species, and in theory the LBAM, of course, has zero problem with flipping most of the rest of the species the bird. At any rate, Cobra has come along to prove our suspicions correct.

Thankfully, of course, this Hummer is merely a toy, and a fantastic one, at that, with loads of playability and coolness built in.

Ninja fights atop speeding armored vehicles=PLAYABILITY!!

I love this vehicle. I would've loved it as a kid. What is not to love? It is large, threatening, armed, armored, has solid rubber tires and fantastic detailing. I would have beat the hell out of this thing running it into other vehicles as a kid. Actually, judging from its heft, it is more likely I would've been beating the hell out of other vehicles and/or the wall. It would have been a key component of running firefights, and many a Cobra operative would've met their death firing madly from behind the doors.

If the Lethal Weapon series has taught us nothing else, it's that car doors=adequate cover from gunfire of all caliber.

Hidden missiles, as seen on TV.

Thank you MTV!

This is a solid 10, no doubt about it. Great vehicle. The "Nitro-Viper" isn't the most thrilling figure, and he could really use a few more paint applications, but the rating is for the vehicle, not the driver. A cautionary note: the decal sheets for these two vehicles did NOT come numbered, and in the case of the Steel Crusher, there are some decals that are just about indistinguishable from one another when printed in black and white, as on the instructions. I think I misapplied a few; care and patience is warranted.
LBAM Rating: 10/10

Storm Shadow

Even now, I take aim at your favorite international monument.

Storm Shadow, pictured above with his Eiffel Tower blow-uppy rocket launcher gizawhatzit. It's actually a pretty sharp little number, and if we hadn't already seen, in trailers, Storm Shadow blowing hell out of the Eiffel Tower with that very weapon, I'd wonder why it was packed with him and not Destro or Baroness or something similar, since it has a high-tech feel. At any rate, this Storm Shadow is a snazzy looking figure who comes loaded for bear. He's got the aforementioned gizawhatzit, the claw, a pistol, and, of course, his two swords.

No, it is NOT the first time he's wielded a gun.

Those of you who are thinking it is, go read your Marvel Comics; Storm Shadow toted firearms in some of his earliest appearances in the comic. As for the cartoon, well...screw the cartoon. I don't care if he ever carried a firearm in that. Now, as for the figure itself, and not its accessories, yes, the skirt does impede some of his movement. It is a spectacular sculpt, all the moreso considering that almost purely in white, and the sculpt itself is the only way to transmit detail. The tiniest splash of silver on a belt buckle and the Cobra emblem are the only splashes of color. This figure deserves a place in any Storm Shadow fan's collection, because it really brings his look into the 21st century.

Also, he's a frickin' badass, and the Arashikage hexagrams are on both swords. Awesome.

Overall Rating: 9/10. Loses a point for the restricted mobility, but the accessories (uh, minus the weird ninja-star launcher thinger) and the sculpt earn serious points.

Snake Eyes

At this point, you either LIKE the Snake-Eyes look for the film (many facesculpts have had mouths, going back to v2 in 1985, so get over it) or you decided early on you hate it, and nothing will ever budge a bitchy fanboy once he's made up his mind, so I won't bother trying. It's a good figure, maybe not quite as great as the Hall of Heroes w/Timber version, but better than the DVD pack, better than the 2nd Joe 5 pack, really one of the best, plain and simple. He's flexible, posable, playable, well detailed, well sculpted...everything I want in a Snake Eyes figure, AND he's got two different ways to mount his sword on his back. I, er...forgot to take pictures of either of them. But there's a slot on his gunbelt/webgear and slots in his backpack, either of which work just fine.

He also has a rather smallish Uzi that I will probably call upon Marauder Inc to replace, and, of course, the launcher. I will address the launcher this time; as a kid, I would absolutely have found ways to play with the one Snake-Eyes is packed with. Why?

ZIPLINE, that's why!

Without question, despite its outsized proportions (see below), this would've become SE's preferred method of insertion when I was playing with my Joes as a kid. Hell, there's an outside chance I've played with it once or twice already (guilty) seeing what kind of hold it can get and how well it bears a Joe figure's weight (not very, middling). Still, the ultimate point is, I can see the appeal of this particular launcher (not ALL of them, but this and some others) to kids. It might not be the sole reason, but it would be a reason.

Rating: 9.5/10. The uzi is a little disappointing. Sword could use paint app on the hexagram. Otherwise, stellar. Remember - the launchers do not factor into the rating, even this one, which I admit to enjoying.

Duke

This is probably the most REAL ASS Duke ever made, including the super badass Resolute version. I love it. Night vision on the helmet. Even his weapons aren't bad, but I can't wait to see how he'll look with others.

REAL ASS

More launcher discussion, so skip ahead if it glazes your eyes: at least they tried to model Duke's launcher on a real rocket launcher. It is still enormous and the figure looks ridiculous posed with it. To wit:

Nerd! Shoot it, SHOOT IT!

Yes, it's taller, when loaded, than Duke is.

There is also, of course, the matter of the facial sculpt.

Chicks dig scars.

It seems pretty spot on in person, honestly. Ultimately I can see this figure being really popular with army-builders, for simple headswaps to make desert-themed units. If you want one, buy it the first time you see it, I'd say (of course, there'll probably be scads of them available all summer, so what do I know?)

LBAM Rating: 10/10. A great Duke figure, regardless of how well or poorly Tatum fares in the film.

Neo-Viper

When I first glimpsed bits of it, I wasn't terribly thrilled with the film's look for the Neo-Vipers. Over time, it has grown on me. Pictures of the various versions of him on the net have whetted my appetite. Finally, when I saw it in package, I was blown away; it defied my expectations.

I can just feel the intense, blistering waves of 'fuck off' coming from beneath that mask.

Yes, it is a big departure from the original Viper or Neo-Viper look; recall, though, that Neo-Vipers have been around since what, 2002? And boy, did that figure suck. At any rate, if change doesn't frighten you, this figure is awesome. It threatens, but it also means fucking business, ok? I am not totally in love with his weapons, but I am in love with the fact that they neatly stow on his backpack, so even if I give him some kind of replacement rifle, they are likely to stay in place.
LBAM Rating: 10/10. Blew me away. Considered going back and buying the rest of them, but will hold off till more flavors of Neo-Viper are available.

James McCullen Destro XXIV...

...is a badass.

Look, any regular readers of this space know the LBAM has an unconcealed, nonsexual man-crush on Destro. This figure is no different. It rocks. Good articulation that is not really hampered by the hanging 'skirt' of his jacket (see above pics for him sitting). He has stowable weapons. And he has probably the best face-sculpt any Destro figure ever has.

It took popping the head off to reassure myself that the mask wasn't removable. It is that convincing.

This figure is getting a 10. We all know that. When has this blog not given a Destro figure a 10?
Maybe it isn't quite as great as the I.G. Destro, but that is still my #1 or 2 figure of the 25th Anniversary line. The rifle he carries is a little unwieldy, and I'm uncertain of the point of the rifle breaking into two pieces, but it can be stowed, the shoulder rig is sweet, and the suit has a "battlefield formal" feel to it.
LBAM Rating: 10/10. Like you didn't see that coming.
Bonus fact: Each character's truncated file card lists a "preferred weapon." Destro's is apparently the "High Oxidizing Temperature flamethrower." Yes, really.

Baroness

I didn't get any good closeups on the face. It's not the best facesculpt Baroness has ever had. I don't find it as objectionable as a bunch of others, and I don't think it's the worst. Leave the glasses on, it's fine. The figure otherwise is solid; I love the way the handguns peg into her legs, I dig the briefcase with its snazzy MARS logo.
I also dig that it is functional.

ZOMG! Nanomites!

LBAM Rating: 8/10. I look forward to future Baroness figures from this line. I think there's room for improvement in what is already a solid figure.

ALLEY VIPER!!!

2009-05-22T19:35:00.006-04:00

That's right, LBAMToyreview is back and has gone to extreme lengths to bring you cutting edge reviews on product that isn't even out yet.*

And, perhaps, to taunt you a little, because I have the Alley Viper and you don't.

Let me just say that sometimes, the world is everything it is talked up to be by the smiling morning people I occasionally associate with. Sometimes, just sometimes, all our expectations are met, or exceeded. Sometimes, in fact, life is what you want it to be.

This is pretty much one of those times. It would not be a stretch to say that the Alley Viper has revived my ever-tenuous faith in humanity, at least for a little while. Note that since this role is usually filled by Scotch, spending money to get a pre-release Alley Viper shipped from China is not only healthier, but cheaper. So there's that.

Shields are always practical.

The Alley Viper is just crazy badass. I recommend storing him in a separate room from your other toys lest he start fucking them up for sport. It goes without saying that he deserves to be displayed loose, in quantity, and in as many dynamic poses as possible.

Just try to keep me boxed. It's not possible.

He comes with a preposterous amount of gear. I'm not entirely sure that this guy is complete, because he has two knife sheaths and but one knife, but I can work around that.

The weight of all that gear is counterbalanced by the enormous, ironclad balls it takes to wear orange and blue in combat.

Regular readers of LBAMToyreview know I believe, when it comes to Joe figures, the more accessories the better. The absolute best figures, however, provide a means for the figure to carry all his gear. The Alley Viper scores on both points. We're looking at an SMG, a grapple-gun, a nightstick, a shield, and (potentially) two knives. He can carry all of it, all at once. Hallelujah.

I want to find the designer who said "let's give him a nightstick AND a place to put it" and hug him/her.

And then, of course, there's the grapple gun. As a kid I used to make great use of an "imaginary" grapple gun that allowed the Alley Viper to do all kinds of wacky stuff, but I always dreamt of having an actual removable grapple launcher. I dream no more.

The only thing I can possibly nitpick about this figure, however, is related to the grapple gun. Mostly that the fit of it into the backpack is extremely finicky. When you pick the figure up, it will fall off. When the AC turns on, it will fall of. Cat walks by, it falls. Door opens, it falls. Earthquake 4 states away, falls. Moon rises, it falls. I'm pretty sure when the Large Hadron Collider powers up this fall, the grapple gun will hit the floor. It is possible to get it on there, but basically you have to press it in and hope for the best. It's also possible that this fig is not quite the final production model, as it's got some marker writing on the back and some very slightly sloppy paint apps, so maybe the pack that hits this fall will be different. I don't pretend to know for sure, but I think most of us are going to be sticking it on there and holding our breath.

Complain about it too much, though, and he will beat your head down between your ass cheeks.

All in all, I can't give this figure anything other than a perfect ten. It is a perfect 25th Anniversary G.I. Joe Alley Viper.

For the detail obsessed, this figure uses a lot of SE V3; torso, upper legs, and I believe modified upper arms (it's got some of the same details, some different). New lower legs, new lower arms, and obviously new gear (not sure if I've seen the nightstick before; I don't think it's the same nightstick as the Steel Brigade 6 pack, but I'm not going digging to find out). The helmet, it is worth noting, is made out of a softish and flexible plastic, which I like, as it molds well around the head and reduces the possibility of chipping the figure. Now, for your edification, a couple of comparison shots.

Quite frankly, this figure just about represents the apotheosis of the current Joe line. I can't wait to see the ways the hate-what-they-love Fanboys are going to invent to complain about it, though. My money's on "should've been single-carded," when, frankly, so much new tooling has gone into this figure it is bound to show up again somewhere. We'll have our chances. Even now I am calculating just how many I can buy before my wife delivers me an "Alley Viper or me" ultimatum.

*Lengths mostly consist of not telling the Official Wife of LBAM how much it cost.

The People You Meet on Toy Collecting Boards, Part the Second

2009-03-19T21:05:00.003-04:00

8. The Gun Nut

Prone to posting alarmist articles linking to horrible misinterpretation of impending legislation regarding firearms. Absolutely terrified that the new Libr'l president is coming to take his guns away, and by God, he will start the revolution then. This guy's reactionary roots come out when he posts his views on the inclusion of a black actor with the name of a a minor secondary comic character in the upcoming GI Joe film. It doesn't take a great thinker to realize how these guys end up on toy boards dedicated to collecting little plastic army men. That doesn't make it any less creepy when their avatar is a shooting weapon, or every post is followed by some obscure quote about ownership of teflon coated bullets and automatic weapons is a God given right, or the delusion that owning a locker full of rifles and handguns is going to allow them to overthrow the government. This guy also tends to believe that the Amero is real. Ultimately, many of these guys are also really afraid of the fact that there is a president with darker skin than them.

9. The Big Spender

This guy tends to take two forms; there's the new collector who either has a lot of disposable income or is just burying himself in credit card debt that he'll never be able to pay off. Then there's the longtime veteran collector who is prone to dropping statements indicating that it is just not possible to take another collector seriously unless he's spending four to six thousand dollars a year on toys. The former has massive piles of new toys, many many multiples of recently released items, enormous armies, dozens of vehicles, while the latter is busy trying to complete a collection of possibly every single article even remotely related to GI Joe. Both never fail to point out how much money they have.

10. The Specialist

This guy is into completing some weird collection, like Polish bootlegs or prototypes or every character that appeared in a 13 issue arc of a comic series from 1987-1988. Inexplicable.

11. The Secretist

This guy is such an uber elite super collector that he doesn't even share photos of his collection online, go to conventions, participate on message boards, or generally seem to enjoy the hobby at all. In fact, it may seem as though he doesn't participate in it, if it weren't for the acolytes who speak in hushed tones about their massive, special collections, the contents of which they dare not share with others. Given the hush hush surrounding their collection, they may very well be collecting rare editions of the Necronomicon.

12. The Guardian

Have no fear, this guy is out there abusing customer service folks and trying to bust repackers for all he's worth. Actual garbled quote from one, claiming what he'd do if he saw a repacker in action: "it's time to go to the men's room and do the who's more badass dance."

Really? You're gonna start a fight over toys? Really? Statements like that lead me to believe the dude has never been in an actual fight.

These guys are also prone to take every single busted package they see to customer service and are positively baffled, BAFFLED, when the $7/hour retail employee doesn't take the time to learn all the various character names and why this product isn't right. Then they get moral indignation and outrage, even more so if anyone points out to them that there is no reason to expect low-wage employees to pay that much attention to toys they don't care about nearly as much as the Guardian does.

These guys also go nuts about bent cards and such, and go on to make false analogies about toy packaging being a necessary and integral part of the product.

Also prone to suggesting that Hasbro start putting barcodes on products, or start using foil seals and the like. When told that serial numbers and scanner codes identifying each product with the appropriate box would cause Wal-Mart to tell Hasbro to piss off, they somehow convince themselves it's a good thing.

Perhaps more later.

Some Toys that Aren't GI Joe!

2009-03-02T20:56:00.007-05:00

Marvel Universe figures are awesome. I really feel like they are Marvel Legends hit with a shrink ray; I know in some cases the articulation doesn't quite match up to many of those larger figs, but at the same time, some of the Marvel Legends suffered from too much articulation. Some figures had some very funky arms with weird armpit ball joints that did not look good (two-pack Daredevil, for example), and some were so full of joints that they had perpetual hunchback. Many of the female figures, especially Psylocke, genuinely looked awful because they had so many joints built in everywhere. No such problem with these. To wit

The Good

The Bad

The Ugly

First and most obviously...make some more damn villains, Hasbro. I know they're working hand in hand with Marvel to make figures that are relevant to recent events in the comic but jeez. We've got Captain America, Iron Man (x2), Black Panther, Ronin, Daredevil, Spider-Man, Iron Fist, Wolverine, and the Silver Surfer. Opposing them? Green Goblin and Bullseye. This is a mismatch folks, pure and simple. Then, of course, there's the Hulk, and if Planet Hulk (best Hulk series ever, btw...check it out) taught us nothing else, it's that nobody can beat the Hulk. Nobody. But then, he's not really on any side, either. At any rate, I'm only going to tackle one figure at a time here on the ol' toyblog; that way I might actually get more done, AND blogging will fit into my writing priorities a little better. So we'll start at the top.

Captain America rules. Women want him, men want to be him. Plus he has a rockin' shield. Sure, he's dead in the comics (at least, when I stopped reading Marvel comics he was dead). Is he still dead? Did he come back with the Skrulls or what? I couldn't handle it anymore. This figure, based on the Ultimate Universe Cap is incredible in its detail. The shield, the boots, the gear on the belt...right off the page. Frankly I think this design is preferable to the one many of my fellow nerds are clamoring for, with the wings on the mask. Weakling that I am, I'll probably buy that too, at least to get the other character in the 2-pack. This figure is a straight up 10, no questions asked.

Cap is so awesome that if you are looking at this and you are female, you are pregnant. Fortuntately, since my readership appears to decidedly of the male, geek, personal friend of mine persuasion, we're probably safe. Unless the Official Wife reads this. Then, well...shit.

Only a few things could be more awesome than Cap. One of them, to wit: Cap with a machine gun.

Die Nazis!

Yeah. Awesome.

On a side note, I do plan to take some more pics of Cap with GI Joe figures, since he meshes so obviously with them. Who should be on Cap's team?

Post in which a Highly Educated Adult Plays with Toys

2009-02-26T22:15:00.008-05:00

In a past post...just scroll down to Resolute and Vehicles...the LBAM made certain claims regarding his desire to run the Sting Raider around on his carpet making "bbbrrfwooosh" noises. Friend of LBAM Soul Kerfuffle admitted that he would in fact pay money to see video of this. Far be it from me to pass up any opportunity to make money off of my hobbies. In that vein I present the following three pieces of cinema; "Bbbbrrrfwooosh," and "Bbbbrrrfwooosh Redux"