Beachhead
The Joe team's badass Ranger/PT Instructor has probably never looked more REAL ASS. I don't love it as much as I do, say, the HoH Beachhead (which is an easy perfect 10 LBAM rating), or even the comic pack Beachhead. Those have a little bit more personality...the backpack, the red beret, the crossbow, etc. But, that being said, this is a fine representation of one of my favorite Joes, one I am happy to add to the collection .
As with most of the Resolute figures, Beachhead's best new feature is probably his vest/webgear, with functional knife sheath. Wonderfully detailed. A downside is the legs; as I said, this is probably more REAL ASS than most Joe figs, and the Joe characters have a sense of uniformity and practicality about them. This comes at a cost of, in my estimation, a small bit of their personal charm, BUT, if you prefer a more real military feel to your Joes, you really can't go wrong with these Resolute figures.
Why, why, why did Hasbro decide to mold these Resolute figure legs with non-functional holsters. I can fix this by ordering from Hunter Artworks, but when Hasbro has included working holsters since day one of this body construction type, why did they disappear now? WEAK SAUCE.
Not sure I like the fact that he's lost his commando sweater in favor of a featureless t-shirt. I do dig his articulation, overall look and feel, and I'm actually happy to add another version of a figure I like (I'm probably going to arrange a 21st Century-look shelf for all these new-look Joes from Resolute and Pursuit of Cobra).LBAM Rating: 7.9/10. Just misses the eight; lacks a functional holster, Beachhead NEEDS a backpack, great articulation, modern, more realistic military feel.
Duke (Arctic)
I happen to enjoy putting 'teams' together on a shelf, or table or floor, or even outside when the weather is right, as you can see by scrolling back a few pages if you choose. I'm glad to have an 'Arctic Duke' to add to a team that already includes Snow Job, White Out, Frostbite, Snake-Eyes, Doc, and Shipwreck. If we get another blizzard in the northeast this winter, Duke'll be out there getting his picture taken. Other than that, he's not the most exciting figure.
His headsculpt is awesome, though, especially with that headset he's wearing.
I would really like to this on some kind of pilot or driver figure. Even if it's another Duke. One major flaw in this figure's design, I feel, is that the upper 'coated' arms and his lower 't-shirt/elbow pad' arms do not look good together. They just don't work. They should've just gone for the full-coated look, as the result is pretty jarring. Nice addition to an Arctic team, but nothing too thrilling.
LBAM Rating: 7.6/10. Good, not great. The arm construction is a poor design choice. Great headsculpt redeems it.
Flint
Now we're on the trolley.
Chuck Norris could never make a beret look this good.This version of Flint is fucking awesome, plain and simple. The new headsculpt captures him in all his arrogant, willful, intelligent, superior badassery. Yes, he's my favorite Joe character, but trust me...that is more likely to make me more critical, not less. This is probably the best and most compelling headsculpt of the entire line, at least for my money. He even has grey hair, which is AWESOME. As I get older I want my heroes to age with me; it's only right that Flint should be getting a little older, and that he's not the kind of pansy who uses Just for Men, because he knows the ladies will appreciate his rugged charm, distinction, and wisdom.
I might be over-invested in the character.
I might be over-invested in the character.
Flint drinks gasoline and pisses napalm, and then he bangs your girlfriend. And Lady Jaye. At the same time. 
Once again, his webgear is knocked out of the park. His shotgun, eh, I tossed it in the parts box and replaced it with one from trusty Marauder John (as I do with most weapons, actually). The Resolute Duke arms really work again here, especially for practical articulation reasons. I have two predictable complaints about this figure; non functional holster, plain t-shirt instead of the collared button-down. Flint has more style than that.
Not just for the scattergun, they're also in case I want a snack. I love the extra little strip of shells for the shotgun. It's the kind of detail that makes a character come alive. A few paint apps wouldn't go awry; if I trust my hand enough I may try to add a few details.
LBAM Rating: 9/10. Great, not quite perfect, but great.
LBAM Rating: 9/10. Great, not quite perfect, but great.
Roadblock
Roadblock will fuck you up. And this is flat out the best modern-construction Roadblock ever released. Hands down. No contest. No more pinhead, no more useless left arm. There is NOTHING wrong with this figure. Nothing.
Even the headsculpt just oozes charisma and character. I love it. I liked it when it debuted on the Wal-Mart RoC battlestation Roadblock, but this has the better vest and gear. Well...better gun. As for the rest of the gear?
Why the blue FUCK do I have a goddamn mattock?Why am I handed an implement of motherfucking MANUAL LABOR?
I am a goddamn Cordon Bleu CHEF, nerds. I do not dig motherfucking HOLES.
Uh, seriously. Giving any of these characters a big ol'mattock is baffling. He didn't appear with one in the movie. I mean, it's not a terrible accessory, honestly. It pegs to his back, which is nice. But, uh...do I really have to point out the potentially inflammatory racial politics of issuing the most prominent African-American character in the property? I'm NOT claiming that's any kind of intentional; after all, I am, uh, overly trained to find and interpret these kinds of things. But am I the only one who looks at that and says, "uh, guys? Why?" I mean it's baffling on any level, but really. And that's not where the oddness of his accessory choices ends.
Why the FUCK do I have a MORTAR SHELL? Do I look like SHORT FUZE to you? Am I a four-eyed blond nerd? Do I look like fucking Down Town? Do I have a stupid red helmet and a goddamn revolver? The shell doesn't attach to his gun. It doesn't attach to the figure anywhere. It doesn't fit in any vehicle that's been released, as far as I can tell. WHAT'S THE GODDAMN POINT? Is Hasbro just fucking TORTURING ME with their inclusion of this meaningless trinket? Am I doomed, like a character in a Beckett story, to illustrate the inherent absurdity of man's quest for meaning? I CAN'T SLEEP AT NIGHT WITHOUT AN ANSWER.
Roadblock takes revenge on those responsible for his accessories. Except for the gun. The gun is badass. 
The gun rocks. The rest are made of WTF. LBAM Rating: 9.5/10. The figure is damn near perfect. Not sure why it's not quite a 10; probably the fucking stupid accessories.
ScarlettThe most disappointing things in life are not those that are terrible, but those that fall just short of realizing their potential. The Godfather Part III could've been a great movie. Likewise, X-Men 3 COULD have been truly great; its premise was fraught with possibility for exploring the mutant condition. Scarlett, this Scarlett, Resolute Scarlett, could have been...should have been...the greatest Scarlett figure ever made.
Instead, she's a big-headed pile of disappointment. Seriously, how would a girl not tip over with a head that disproportionate to her body? It's a regular fucking planetoid. Got its own weather patterns. (Plus one to the first person to correctly identify the reference- GOOGLE IS CHEATING).
Seriously, this Scarlett's body is made of win. She looks a lot more like a soldier wearing real body armor than her original incarnation. There seems to be no leotard, but her classic colors and features are in place.
Why doesn't she have some kind of belt, though? With a quiver, and maybe a holster? Did the tooling budget just give out at that exact moment? "Sorry guys. Either Scarlett goes un-belted or Beachhead becomes just 'Beach.' Pick one." I mean, that expanse of blank pointless space is really jarring. And you know, the face sculpt isn't even bad, really, it's just too goddamn big. Her hair is awesome, with fantastic paint apps. But that noggin is so huge it just wrecks the overall presentation.
Can we mold a decent fucking crossbow for Scarlett yet? The RoC Desert Ambush Scarlett's crossbow is decent, but it's not big enough for my taste, and it's not a perfect solution. She needs one that can be held two handed and shouldered and that doesn't look like a goddamn toy. I know it IS a toy, but it should LOOK like a functional crossbow in the character's hand, not like a fucking toy. There's no excuse for money having been wasted on this piece of shit. The sniper rifle is alright. I dig Scarlett as a sniper. The extra cartridges are a nice touch. None of the figures seem to really be able to hold it for shit, though.
She's got the logo, so that's something. They all have the logo somewhere. It's a nice touch.
LBAM Rating: 5/10. If the head was better this figure could be so great. I'll try to replace it with...something. Don't know what. But something.
Snake Eyes is awesome. There's nothing I can say or do that's going to add to or take away from that. I like this iteration better than the City-Strike RoC figure. The shorter sword seems more practical and interesting to me, and I dig the green shades and glider, preposterous though it is. A great figure.
LBAM Rating: 8.5/10
Fuck. And. Yes. Finally, FINALLY we get an update of Stalker that brings him into the 21st century. He SHOULD be wearing camo, not just plain green. He should. But he's not. I'll live with it, because this is a great update.
Yeah, he shares a lot of tooling with Snake-Eyes. They shared tooling back in '82, as well, so I don't have a problem with it here. And to reiterate, nonfunctional holster: bad.
Crazy-eyes: good.
Stalker will cut you, because shooting you would be too easy.
I'm ambivalent about the dreads. It feels like a pretty cheap way to 'update' him without thinking or working really hard to do it. But at the same time, while most of the figures are pretty REAL ASS, this kind of wildly alternate grooming standard indicates the kind of personality and individuality that I've always liked about the Joes. So on that level, I dig it. I like the property best when it has one foot in reality and the other leaping gleefully out of it towards fun. This is fun. Oh, and his webgear is awesome.
LBAM Rating: 8.9/10. Needs a backpack, and camo. Otherwise awesome.
So there, that's the Resolute box sets dealt with. For me they are totally worth the purchase despite a few things I'd like to see done differently.
An LBAM Interlude, addressed to fellow toy collectors but especially to G.I. Joe fans:
Stop whining.
Every fucking post on every message board is more or less immediately swarmed with whining that mostly amounts to "a multimillion dollar company isn't catering to me." Hasbro is not your bitch, nor are they "raping" you by the pricing of their product, nor are they trying to kill the brand, nor are they underestimating the collector market. I promise you, I guarantee you, Hasbro has a much better idea of who is buying its product than you. They have people whose only job is to determine how well they do with each demographic. They have a better idea of who is buying their product than you, the nerd from Big Loin, Alabama, who doesn't have a G.E.D. much less any specialized training in marketing, and probably will be lucky to some day work the line at a fucking Bob Evans.
Collectors don't drive the mass toy market. They just don't.
The fact that Hasbro goes out of its way to sometimes give collectors exactly what they claim to want, only to have it thrown back in their fucking face, is unlikely to change that. Hasbro gave you the Assault and Defense of Cobra Island 7 Packs, chock full of unreleased characters that message boards had been THROBBING with demand for. A year later they are on clearance and showing up in discount retailers. Why? Well, some of you bitched that they were online exclusives and it wasn't fair since, I don't know, they don't issue credit cards to whatever part of the Godforsaken Bumblefuck Midwestern state you fucking spawned in, or they were "too expensive" (but cost less than retail price per figure), or they reused too many parts (which is perfectly fine when people customize new characters out of reused parts, but not when Hasbro does it). I don't know. And I don't care. It proves one of two things:
A: You didn't put your money where your mouth is, OR
B: COLLECTOR DEMAND ISN'T ENOUGH.
Now here are the Resolute sets. Hotly demanded by many of the flaming-est, angriest, dumbest, troglodytes out there on the toy boards, many of you are now refusing to buy them because they're too expensive, or took too long to get to the market, or they don't meet the exacting standards you don't apply to anything else in your life (like your job, house, girlfriend, command of the English language, hygiene, eating habits or dress sense).
The Assault and Defense Packs, and now the Resolute Packs, are as clearly catered to the demands of fans as anything Hasbro has engaged in since they've tried to revive the brand after the unexpected (but still relatively small) success of the initial 25th Anniversary Line offerings. If fans don't buy them, what does it mean?
Now, I'm not saying "buy everything or you're not a fan!" If you genuinely don't like them, didn't like Resolute, don't like the designs, fine. But if you're one of the many assholes who has "RESULOTE FUR LIEF" in your signature on the boards, or talked about how great Resolute was, you haven't got a fucking excuse. Except, apparently, that you're a fuckwit.
And this is only one aspect of the whining. Just stop it. THEY. ARE. TOYS. Buying them is ENTIRELY FUCKING VOLUNTARY. If you find it so goddamned unpleasant that the only way you can engage in the hobby is by fucking complaining...whether it's the price, the 'hunt' (here's a clue, fuckstick; it's probably less grating if you don't go to the same stores five times a week, and really what kind of life do you have if daily visits to Wal-Mart are part of the routine?) the designs, the packaging, the retail employees (please realize for once that they just are never going to be paid enough to care about your so special needs), or whatever else you precise little princesses can find to bitch about, just stop it. Grow up and collect your children's plastic playthings like a man.
There. That needed to be said.
Stop whining.
Every fucking post on every message board is more or less immediately swarmed with whining that mostly amounts to "a multimillion dollar company isn't catering to me." Hasbro is not your bitch, nor are they "raping" you by the pricing of their product, nor are they trying to kill the brand, nor are they underestimating the collector market. I promise you, I guarantee you, Hasbro has a much better idea of who is buying its product than you. They have people whose only job is to determine how well they do with each demographic. They have a better idea of who is buying their product than you, the nerd from Big Loin, Alabama, who doesn't have a G.E.D. much less any specialized training in marketing, and probably will be lucky to some day work the line at a fucking Bob Evans.
Collectors don't drive the mass toy market. They just don't.
The fact that Hasbro goes out of its way to sometimes give collectors exactly what they claim to want, only to have it thrown back in their fucking face, is unlikely to change that. Hasbro gave you the Assault and Defense of Cobra Island 7 Packs, chock full of unreleased characters that message boards had been THROBBING with demand for. A year later they are on clearance and showing up in discount retailers. Why? Well, some of you bitched that they were online exclusives and it wasn't fair since, I don't know, they don't issue credit cards to whatever part of the Godforsaken Bumblefuck Midwestern state you fucking spawned in, or they were "too expensive" (but cost less than retail price per figure), or they reused too many parts (which is perfectly fine when people customize new characters out of reused parts, but not when Hasbro does it). I don't know. And I don't care. It proves one of two things:
A: You didn't put your money where your mouth is, OR
B: COLLECTOR DEMAND ISN'T ENOUGH.
Now here are the Resolute sets. Hotly demanded by many of the flaming-est, angriest, dumbest, troglodytes out there on the toy boards, many of you are now refusing to buy them because they're too expensive, or took too long to get to the market, or they don't meet the exacting standards you don't apply to anything else in your life (like your job, house, girlfriend, command of the English language, hygiene, eating habits or dress sense).
The Assault and Defense Packs, and now the Resolute Packs, are as clearly catered to the demands of fans as anything Hasbro has engaged in since they've tried to revive the brand after the unexpected (but still relatively small) success of the initial 25th Anniversary Line offerings. If fans don't buy them, what does it mean?
Now, I'm not saying "buy everything or you're not a fan!" If you genuinely don't like them, didn't like Resolute, don't like the designs, fine. But if you're one of the many assholes who has "RESULOTE FUR LIEF" in your signature on the boards, or talked about how great Resolute was, you haven't got a fucking excuse. Except, apparently, that you're a fuckwit.
And this is only one aspect of the whining. Just stop it. THEY. ARE. TOYS. Buying them is ENTIRELY FUCKING VOLUNTARY. If you find it so goddamned unpleasant that the only way you can engage in the hobby is by fucking complaining...whether it's the price, the 'hunt' (here's a clue, fuckstick; it's probably less grating if you don't go to the same stores five times a week, and really what kind of life do you have if daily visits to Wal-Mart are part of the routine?) the designs, the packaging, the retail employees (please realize for once that they just are never going to be paid enough to care about your so special needs), or whatever else you precise little princesses can find to bitch about, just stop it. Grow up and collect your children's plastic playthings like a man.
There. That needed to be said.
2 comments:
The line in your Scarlet portion references the part in "So I married an Axe Murderer" Where Stuart is talking s#!t about the siaze of his youngest son's head. Comedy gold that movie was. Well at least the scenes with Stuart.
I had not previously read this post all the way through. Never again will I let that happen. Funny as hell and right on point. And, yeah, Scarlett's head is just too damn big!
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