Rise of Cobra strikes early in Delaware!

Picked up some RoC toys early here in DE and rushed, RUSHED, breathlessly, without stopping to eat or rest or speak to the Official Wife or pet the Official Cats, to get my fellow nerds amateurish pictures and my own sophomoric thoughts on them! Huzzah!

Cobra Gunship

The Cobra Gunship. I apologize that I just could not seem to figure out a way to get a decent full shot of the thing. These pictures are, admittedly, rushed. But this thing has a really streamlined, near-future feel. And for those of you complaining (I can hear you!) that this thing wouldn't fly, that it looks like a helicopter missing its rotor, I ask you to explain how this, this, or this would fly, then tell me again how Rise of Cobra is destroying everything that was ever good about G.I. Joe. The armament on here is a little sparse; these two missiles, some bombs, and one forward gun, so it doesn't quite live up to the name "Gunship." Even so, it has plenty of neat features.

Unfortunately, the pilot isn't one of them. Why they chose a basic Firefly mold, slapped some new webgear and a helmet on, I don't know, especially considering Firefly is already getting a release as a TRU exclusive. This figure is not inspiring. The webgear is nice, and the tubes hook into spots in the cockpit. But why not put it on some MARS trooper or Neo-Viper type figure? Can't answer that one.

The cockpit IS pretty nicely detailed for a Joe vehicle; a decal or some color wouldn't hurt, though. The decals/color for this gunship are a little under par; it is almost a flat gray, the decals are all clear with red symbols or writing, the missiles and bombs are red. While it is sleek, some highlights, some paint, some black would look pretty great here or there. What IS good about it? The overall look and design, and the passenger compartment.

Who could the mystery passenger be?!?

Plenty of space back there for troops, for VIPs, what have you. I would really like it if there was some kind of gun emplacement that popped out; in fact, in the earliest pictures I thought that's what the purpose of the door was, but I'll take the passenger space, and the possibility for neat poses/dio shots it offers.

Mile high club? You better believe it.

Overall, the best thing this vehicle has going is its futuristic design. Unlike many Cobra vehicles, it looks lethal and advanced, not like something a bad sci-fi writer dreamt up on a coke binge.

LBAM Rating: 8.5/10. I may, if I feel brave, take some paint to this to try and create some highlights. I mistrust my skill level; I am much more comfortable painting in the 15mm scale, where my errors are all but invisible to the naked eye. I'd say this is definitely worth getting, especially for army builders, where it has a modicum of versatility as both an assault aircraft and a transport.

Steel Crusher APV

A sign of purest evil.

We here at LBAMtoyreview have long believed that those civilians who choose to drive Hummers are simply and effectively declaring that they do not give a crap about their fellow man, not those that share the road with them, nor, indeed, those who merely share the planet (we carefully point out that those driving Hummers in a military, police, or rescue capacity are not lumped herein). Driving one of these by choice is effectively displaying an upraised middle finger to the rest of the species, and in theory the LBAM, of course, has zero problem with flipping most of the rest of the species the bird. At any rate, Cobra has come along to prove our suspicions correct.

Thankfully, of course, this Hummer is merely a toy, and a fantastic one, at that, with loads of playability and coolness built in.

Ninja fights atop speeding armored vehicles=PLAYABILITY!!

I love this vehicle. I would've loved it as a kid. What is not to love? It is large, threatening, armed, armored, has solid rubber tires and fantastic detailing. I would have beat the hell out of this thing running it into other vehicles as a kid. Actually, judging from its heft, it is more likely I would've been beating the hell out of other vehicles and/or the wall. It would have been a key component of running firefights, and many a Cobra operative would've met their death firing madly from behind the doors.

If the Lethal Weapon series has taught us nothing else, it's that car doors=adequate cover from gunfire of all caliber.

Hidden missiles, as seen on TV.

Thank you MTV!

This is a solid 10, no doubt about it. Great vehicle. The "Nitro-Viper" isn't the most thrilling figure, and he could really use a few more paint applications, but the rating is for the vehicle, not the driver. A cautionary note: the decal sheets for these two vehicles did NOT come numbered, and in the case of the Steel Crusher, there are some decals that are just about indistinguishable from one another when printed in black and white, as on the instructions. I think I misapplied a few; care and patience is warranted.
LBAM Rating: 10/10

Storm Shadow

Even now, I take aim at your favorite international monument.

Storm Shadow, pictured above with his Eiffel Tower blow-uppy rocket launcher gizawhatzit. It's actually a pretty sharp little number, and if we hadn't already seen, in trailers, Storm Shadow blowing hell out of the Eiffel Tower with that very weapon, I'd wonder why it was packed with him and not Destro or Baroness or something similar, since it has a high-tech feel. At any rate, this Storm Shadow is a snazzy looking figure who comes loaded for bear. He's got the aforementioned gizawhatzit, the claw, a pistol, and, of course, his two swords.

No, it is NOT the first time he's wielded a gun.

Those of you who are thinking it is, go read your Marvel Comics; Storm Shadow toted firearms in some of his earliest appearances in the comic. As for the cartoon, well...screw the cartoon. I don't care if he ever carried a firearm in that. Now, as for the figure itself, and not its accessories, yes, the skirt does impede some of his movement. It is a spectacular sculpt, all the moreso considering that almost purely in white, and the sculpt itself is the only way to transmit detail. The tiniest splash of silver on a belt buckle and the Cobra emblem are the only splashes of color. This figure deserves a place in any Storm Shadow fan's collection, because it really brings his look into the 21st century.

Also, he's a frickin' badass, and the Arashikage hexagrams are on both swords. Awesome.

Overall Rating: 9/10. Loses a point for the restricted mobility, but the accessories (uh, minus the weird ninja-star launcher thinger) and the sculpt earn serious points.

Snake Eyes

At this point, you either LIKE the Snake-Eyes look for the film (many facesculpts have had mouths, going back to v2 in 1985, so get over it) or you decided early on you hate it, and nothing will ever budge a bitchy fanboy once he's made up his mind, so I won't bother trying. It's a good figure, maybe not quite as great as the Hall of Heroes w/Timber version, but better than the DVD pack, better than the 2nd Joe 5 pack, really one of the best, plain and simple. He's flexible, posable, playable, well detailed, well sculpted...everything I want in a Snake Eyes figure, AND he's got two different ways to mount his sword on his back. I, er...forgot to take pictures of either of them. But there's a slot on his gunbelt/webgear and slots in his backpack, either of which work just fine.

He also has a rather smallish Uzi that I will probably call upon Marauder Inc to replace, and, of course, the launcher. I will address the launcher this time; as a kid, I would absolutely have found ways to play with the one Snake-Eyes is packed with. Why?

ZIPLINE, that's why!

Without question, despite its outsized proportions (see below), this would've become SE's preferred method of insertion when I was playing with my Joes as a kid. Hell, there's an outside chance I've played with it once or twice already (guilty) seeing what kind of hold it can get and how well it bears a Joe figure's weight (not very, middling). Still, the ultimate point is, I can see the appeal of this particular launcher (not ALL of them, but this and some others) to kids. It might not be the sole reason, but it would be a reason.

Rating: 9.5/10. The uzi is a little disappointing. Sword could use paint app on the hexagram. Otherwise, stellar. Remember - the launchers do not factor into the rating, even this one, which I admit to enjoying.

Duke

This is probably the most REAL ASS Duke ever made, including the super badass Resolute version. I love it. Night vision on the helmet. Even his weapons aren't bad, but I can't wait to see how he'll look with others.

REAL ASS

More launcher discussion, so skip ahead if it glazes your eyes: at least they tried to model Duke's launcher on a real rocket launcher. It is still enormous and the figure looks ridiculous posed with it. To wit:

Nerd! Shoot it, SHOOT IT!

Yes, it's taller, when loaded, than Duke is.

There is also, of course, the matter of the facial sculpt.

Chicks dig scars.

It seems pretty spot on in person, honestly. Ultimately I can see this figure being really popular with army-builders, for simple headswaps to make desert-themed units. If you want one, buy it the first time you see it, I'd say (of course, there'll probably be scads of them available all summer, so what do I know?)

LBAM Rating: 10/10. A great Duke figure, regardless of how well or poorly Tatum fares in the film.

Neo-Viper

When I first glimpsed bits of it, I wasn't terribly thrilled with the film's look for the Neo-Vipers. Over time, it has grown on me. Pictures of the various versions of him on the net have whetted my appetite. Finally, when I saw it in package, I was blown away; it defied my expectations.

I can just feel the intense, blistering waves of 'fuck off' coming from beneath that mask.

Yes, it is a big departure from the original Viper or Neo-Viper look; recall, though, that Neo-Vipers have been around since what, 2002? And boy, did that figure suck. At any rate, if change doesn't frighten you, this figure is awesome. It threatens, but it also means fucking business, ok? I am not totally in love with his weapons, but I am in love with the fact that they neatly stow on his backpack, so even if I give him some kind of replacement rifle, they are likely to stay in place.
LBAM Rating: 10/10. Blew me away. Considered going back and buying the rest of them, but will hold off till more flavors of Neo-Viper are available.

James McCullen Destro XXIV...

...is a badass.

Look, any regular readers of this space know the LBAM has an unconcealed, nonsexual man-crush on Destro. This figure is no different. It rocks. Good articulation that is not really hampered by the hanging 'skirt' of his jacket (see above pics for him sitting). He has stowable weapons. And he has probably the best face-sculpt any Destro figure ever has.

It took popping the head off to reassure myself that the mask wasn't removable. It is that convincing.

This figure is getting a 10. We all know that. When has this blog not given a Destro figure a 10?
Maybe it isn't quite as great as the I.G. Destro, but that is still my #1 or 2 figure of the 25th Anniversary line. The rifle he carries is a little unwieldy, and I'm uncertain of the point of the rifle breaking into two pieces, but it can be stowed, the shoulder rig is sweet, and the suit has a "battlefield formal" feel to it.
LBAM Rating: 10/10. Like you didn't see that coming.
Bonus fact: Each character's truncated file card lists a "preferred weapon." Destro's is apparently the "High Oxidizing Temperature flamethrower." Yes, really.

Baroness

I didn't get any good closeups on the face. It's not the best facesculpt Baroness has ever had. I don't find it as objectionable as a bunch of others, and I don't think it's the worst. Leave the glasses on, it's fine. The figure otherwise is solid; I love the way the handguns peg into her legs, I dig the briefcase with its snazzy MARS logo.
I also dig that it is functional.

ZOMG! Nanomites!

LBAM Rating: 8/10. I look forward to future Baroness figures from this line. I think there's room for improvement in what is already a solid figure.

ALLEY VIPER!!!

That's right, LBAMToyreview is back and has gone to extreme lengths to bring you cutting edge reviews on product that isn't even out yet.*

And, perhaps, to taunt you a little, because I have the Alley Viper and you don't.

Let me just say that sometimes, the world is everything it is talked up to be by the smiling morning people I occasionally associate with. Sometimes, just sometimes, all our expectations are met, or exceeded. Sometimes, in fact, life is what you want it to be.

This is pretty much one of those times. It would not be a stretch to say that the Alley Viper has revived my ever-tenuous faith in humanity, at least for a little while. Note that since this role is usually filled by Scotch, spending money to get a pre-release Alley Viper shipped from China is not only healthier, but cheaper. So there's that.

Shields are always practical.

The Alley Viper is just crazy badass. I recommend storing him in a separate room from your other toys lest he start fucking them up for sport. It goes without saying that he deserves to be displayed loose, in quantity, and in as many dynamic poses as possible.

Just try to keep me boxed. It's not possible.

He comes with a preposterous amount of gear. I'm not entirely sure that this guy is complete, because he has two knife sheaths and but one knife, but I can work around that.

The weight of all that gear is counterbalanced by the enormous, ironclad balls it takes to wear orange and blue in combat.

Regular readers of LBAMToyreview know I believe, when it comes to Joe figures, the more accessories the better. The absolute best figures, however, provide a means for the figure to carry all his gear. The Alley Viper scores on both points. We're looking at an SMG, a grapple-gun, a nightstick, a shield, and (potentially) two knives. He can carry all of it, all at once. Hallelujah.

I want to find the designer who said "let's give him a nightstick AND a place to put it" and hug him/her.

And then, of course, there's the grapple gun. As a kid I used to make great use of an "imaginary" grapple gun that allowed the Alley Viper to do all kinds of wacky stuff, but I always dreamt of having an actual removable grapple launcher. I dream no more.

The only thing I can possibly nitpick about this figure, however, is related to the grapple gun. Mostly that the fit of it into the backpack is extremely finicky. When you pick the figure up, it will fall off. When the AC turns on, it will fall of. Cat walks by, it falls. Door opens, it falls. Earthquake 4 states away, falls. Moon rises, it falls. I'm pretty sure when the Large Hadron Collider powers up this fall, the grapple gun will hit the floor. It is possible to get it on there, but basically you have to press it in and hope for the best. It's also possible that this fig is not quite the final production model, as it's got some marker writing on the back and some very slightly sloppy paint apps, so maybe the pack that hits this fall will be different. I don't pretend to know for sure, but I think most of us are going to be sticking it on there and holding our breath.

Complain about it too much, though, and he will beat your head down between your ass cheeks.

All in all, I can't give this figure anything other than a perfect ten. It is a perfect 25th Anniversary G.I. Joe Alley Viper.

For the detail obsessed, this figure uses a lot of SE V3; torso, upper legs, and I believe modified upper arms (it's got some of the same details, some different). New lower legs, new lower arms, and obviously new gear (not sure if I've seen the nightstick before; I don't think it's the same nightstick as the Steel Brigade 6 pack, but I'm not going digging to find out). The helmet, it is worth noting, is made out of a softish and flexible plastic, which I like, as it molds well around the head and reduces the possibility of chipping the figure. Now, for your edification, a couple of comparison shots.



Quite frankly, this figure just about represents the apotheosis of the current Joe line. I can't wait to see the ways the hate-what-they-love Fanboys are going to invent to complain about it, though. My money's on "should've been single-carded," when, frankly, so much new tooling has gone into this figure it is bound to show up again somewhere. We'll have our chances. Even now I am calculating just how many I can buy before my wife delivers me an "Alley Viper or me" ultimatum.

*Lengths mostly consist of not telling the Official Wife of LBAM how much it cost.

The People You Meet on Toy Collecting Boards, Part the Second

8. The Gun Nut

Prone to posting alarmist articles linking to horrible misinterpretation of impending legislation regarding firearms. Absolutely terrified that the new Libr'l president is coming to take his guns away, and by God, he will start the revolution then. This guy's reactionary roots come out when he posts his views on the inclusion of a black actor with the name of a a minor secondary comic character in the upcoming GI Joe film. It doesn't take a great thinker to realize how these guys end up on toy boards dedicated to collecting little plastic army men. That doesn't make it any less creepy when their avatar is a shooting weapon, or every post is followed by some obscure quote about ownership of teflon coated bullets and automatic weapons is a God given right, or the delusion that owning a locker full of rifles and handguns is going to allow them to overthrow the government. This guy also tends to believe that the Amero is real. Ultimately, many of these guys are also really afraid of the fact that there is a president with darker skin than them.

9. The Big Spender

This guy tends to take two forms; there's the new collector who either has a lot of disposable income or is just burying himself in credit card debt that he'll never be able to pay off. Then there's the longtime veteran collector who is prone to dropping statements indicating that it is just not possible to take another collector seriously unless he's spending four to six thousand dollars a year on toys. The former has massive piles of new toys, many many multiples of recently released items, enormous armies, dozens of vehicles, while the latter is busy trying to complete a collection of possibly every single article even remotely related to GI Joe. Both never fail to point out how much money they have.

10. The Specialist

This guy is into completing some weird collection, like Polish bootlegs or prototypes or every character that appeared in a 13 issue arc of a comic series from 1987-1988. Inexplicable.

11. The Secretist

This guy is such an uber elite super collector that he doesn't even share photos of his collection online, go to conventions, participate on message boards, or generally seem to enjoy the hobby at all. In fact, it may seem as though he doesn't participate in it, if it weren't for the acolytes who speak in hushed tones about their massive, special collections, the contents of which they dare not share with others. Given the hush hush surrounding their collection, they may very well be collecting rare editions of the Necronomicon.

12. The Guardian

Have no fear, this guy is out there abusing customer service folks and trying to bust repackers for all he's worth. Actual garbled quote from one, claiming what he'd do if he saw a repacker in action: "it's time to go to the men's room and do the who's more badass dance."

Really? You're gonna start a fight over toys? Really? Statements like that lead me to believe the dude has never been in an actual fight.

These guys are also prone to take every single busted package they see to customer service and are positively baffled, BAFFLED, when the $7/hour retail employee doesn't take the time to learn all the various character names and why this product isn't right. Then they get moral indignation and outrage, even more so if anyone points out to them that there is no reason to expect low-wage employees to pay that much attention to toys they don't care about nearly as much as the Guardian does.

These guys also go nuts about bent cards and such, and go on to make false analogies about toy packaging being a necessary and integral part of the product.

Also prone to suggesting that Hasbro start putting barcodes on products, or start using foil seals and the like. When told that serial numbers and scanner codes identifying each product with the appropriate box would cause Wal-Mart to tell Hasbro to piss off, they somehow convince themselves it's a good thing.


Perhaps more later.

Some Toys that Aren't GI Joe!

Marvel Universe figures are awesome. I really feel like they are Marvel Legends hit with a shrink ray; I know in some cases the articulation doesn't quite match up to many of those larger figs, but at the same time, some of the Marvel Legends suffered from too much articulation. Some figures had some very funky arms with weird armpit ball joints that did not look good (two-pack Daredevil, for example), and some were so full of joints that they had perpetual hunchback. Many of the female figures, especially Psylocke, genuinely looked awful because they had so many joints built in everywhere. No such problem with these. To wit

The Good

The Bad

The Ugly

First and most obviously...make some more damn villains, Hasbro. I know they're working hand in hand with Marvel to make figures that are relevant to recent events in the comic but jeez. We've got Captain America, Iron Man (x2), Black Panther, Ronin, Daredevil, Spider-Man, Iron Fist, Wolverine, and the Silver Surfer. Opposing them? Green Goblin and Bullseye. This is a mismatch folks, pure and simple. Then, of course, there's the Hulk, and if Planet Hulk (best Hulk series ever, btw...check it out) taught us nothing else, it's that nobody can beat the Hulk. Nobody. But then, he's not really on any side, either. At any rate, I'm only going to tackle one figure at a time here on the ol' toyblog; that way I might actually get more done, AND blogging will fit into my writing priorities a little better. So we'll start at the top.

Captain America rules. Women want him, men want to be him. Plus he has a rockin' shield. Sure, he's dead in the comics (at least, when I stopped reading Marvel comics he was dead). Is he still dead? Did he come back with the Skrulls or what? I couldn't handle it anymore. This figure, based on the Ultimate Universe Cap is incredible in its detail. The shield, the boots, the gear on the belt...right off the page. Frankly I think this design is preferable to the one many of my fellow nerds are clamoring for, with the wings on the mask. Weakling that I am, I'll probably buy that too, at least to get the other character in the 2-pack. This figure is a straight up 10, no questions asked.

Cap is so awesome that if you are looking at this and you are female, you are pregnant. Fortuntately, since my readership appears to decidedly of the male, geek, personal friend of mine persuasion, we're probably safe. Unless the Official Wife reads this. Then, well...shit.

Only a few things could be more awesome than Cap. One of them, to wit: Cap with a machine gun.

Die Nazis!

Yeah. Awesome.

On a side note, I do plan to take some more pics of Cap with GI Joe figures, since he meshes so obviously with them. Who should be on Cap's team?

Post in which a Highly Educated Adult Plays with Toys

In a past post...just scroll down to Resolute and Vehicles...the LBAM made certain claims regarding his desire to run the Sting Raider around on his carpet making "bbbrrfwooosh" noises. Friend of LBAM Soul Kerfuffle admitted that he would in fact pay money to see video of this. Far be it from me to pass up any opportunity to make money off of my hobbies. In that vein I present the following three pieces of cinema; "Bbbbrrrfwooosh," and "Bbbbrrrfwooosh Redux"

Wave 8 Comic Packs

Wave 8 Comic Packs

It's been a while since we reviewed anything here at the LBAM Toy Review, and there's plenty to catch up on. For the time being, let's handle Wave 8 Comic packs. You may notice that we have skipped from Wave 6 to Wave 8; this would be because I would not piss on the Wave 7 comic packs if they were on fire. I mean honestly; Deep Six in a comic pack? Hasbro wants me to buy three versions of Deep Six? Crappy un-articulated #1, modestly improved Deep Six from the SRO pack, and shiny yet still crappy, still unarticulated, Deep Six? Really? A second Gung Ho, only in slightly more realistic colors on his Leather Daddy vest? Also, don't get me started on the disappointment that is the Iron Grenadier. And nobody needs a second Battle Armor CC. Nobody. Not even with the Fred Head. Anyway...Wave 8 Comics. Let's start with Destro and Tunnel Rat.

Destro

I thought I said I didn't wanna see any more Destro heads without vac-metal, Hasbro. I thought we had an understanding. I think I'm gonna hafta call the Antignano Brothers and send 'em over to your factories. Sure would be a shame if some of those fancy new movie-toy molds got busted up, huh? Don't let it happen again.

I like this Destro, but it's just not all it could be. I'm intrigued by all the new parts, the new headsculpt and so forth...but it's really kind of a hodgepodge that doesn't quite work. If he's a pilot, why does he have claws on his boots? Why is he wearing a proton pack?

Somebody saw a cockroach up on 12.

The annoying part about this figure is that I really like all the parts on their own. The armor is cool, headsculpt is sweet (except for not being metallized), the pack is cool, the wrist computer is cool. But all together it makes for a rather dorky looking figure, really. And this coming from the guy with possibly the biggest nonsexual man-crush on Destro in history.

Makes a hell of a tip c alculator, I tell ya what.
or
You know the whole economic crisis? I did that. From this thing right here, on my wrist. Yeah. I'm just that good.

LBAM Rating: 7.0. This is by far the lowest rating I will ever give a Destro figure.



Biggest height disparity in the 25th Anniversary Line? You decide.

I've got nothing. Just thought the way the gun snapped into focus here.

I will end the first one of you roundeyes to make a single joke about fried rice. Just try me.

I wasn't kidding, you blond-haired prick.

Tunnel Rat's cool and all, but I have no idea what else to say. I wish he had his backpack, his flashlights, and I wish his damn knife weren't molded on. Kudos on the working holster on his webgear though; fantastic. I really do like this figure quite a bit, and I think people who are trying to see racism in the face are looking a little too hard. This is a damn fine figure, honestly.
LBAM Rating: 8.5/10 - Missing his backpack hurts a little, as does the molded knife.

Shockwave and Storm Shadow

First of all, I don't care if they call him Shockblast. He's Shockwave. Let's just get that out of the way.

Second, I admire any guy who is totally badass yet still has "Choir" as his secondary military specialty. He can kick your ass in key.

It's not that he's compensating for something anything. It's just that he's got them tuned to shoot in different keys. Okay, that was lame. I dunno where else to go with this. Shockwave is a sharp figure with sweet accessories. Not every caption needs a joke, ok? And not every joke is going to be a winner. It's a lot of pressure man, I'm telling you. Let's just pretend that caption was funny and move on. I'll try to find a winner before the post is over.

The business end of an MP5 is no fun to look at. The fact that the guy gunning you down with it is can probably belt out "Jesu, Joy of Man's Desiring" at the same time is probably not comforting.

Shockwave rules. But he needs friends, compadres, comrades, fellow SWAT members. I think the odds of other GI Joe 'police' characters getting made is pretty slim. In fact, I can't even remember any of their names...Long Arm? Surefire? Bullhorn? (man, Bullhorn would own in 25th form...I'd kill to see an updated version of him). Anyway, he looks great. Solid job on the hat, helmet, and gas-mask; those kinds of touches go a long way with me. Missing his backpack, and his SMG; I can easily replace the one but not the other. So, whatever, a solid 8.8 or something. Yeah. He needs other SWAT guys. That silly blue firefly doesn't make a terrible one. Just not a great one.

Why not?

And finally, another Storm Shadow. Joy. It's actually a really good figure, could've been one of the best and most original Storm Shadows of the line.

Storm Shadow's broken dream: USA Olympic Kayaking Team.

It's a pretty sweet ninja, though why he has an axe and that double-bladed monstrosity, I'll never know. Storm Shadow needs knives, swords, a bow, and throwing weapons; not great big polearms and heavy axes. You know what else he doesn't need?

This mask.

The axe and mask are clearly an homage to Dice, which immediately raises the question, why would anyone want an homage to this? Seriously. That thing is a blight on the GI Joe line. An abomination of an action figure. But ninja-loving fanboys everywhere get all tight in the pants at the thought of him being remade. I'll never understand why.
LBAM Rating 7. Loses points for the Dice homage, and for the fact that he is packed with his helmet on, meaning when I took it off, it stripped some paint off his headsculpt, leaving a big ol' brown mark on his face, which bothers the heck out of me.

Resolute and Suchlike

If you see this and you are a terrorist, you are already dead. You just don't know it yet.

I have three words to sum up the things I am reviewing today: Fuck. And. Yes.

Normally we do avoid the F-Bomb here at the LBAM Toy Review but, what the hell. Let fly. Resolute Duke and the Ghost Hawk are far too badass to be contained by non-obscenities. This Duke eats scorpions, okay? That's how badass he is. Scorpions. Live ones. With real poison. Fuck that, with extra poison injected into their stingers, because this Duke lives on pure adrenaline and scar tissue.

A pensive moment; thinking of more ways to hurt you.

Here's hoping all Resolute figs have similar articulation.

He will cut you twice for each shot he fires.

These pics rather suck, and don't do Resolute Duke justice. It is a damned fine figure, with the best mix of look and articulation in the line yet. As you can see in the above picture, I lopped an ankle holster off a Steeler figure and glued it to Duke's right leg. We hates non-functional holsters, precious. We hates them. Stuck in nasssty 1986, precious.
So because of the molded on holster I can't give this a perfect rating, and because the Dude is a little on the scrawny side. Let's call it an 8.8/10

Sleek, dangerous, deadly...dare I say...sexy? Yes. I dare.

The Ghost Hawk is the balls, the bawlls, the bawlz, the ballz, and, in fact, the BAUWLSZ. I appear to have forgotten how to take decent pictures AND how to write nuanced commentary. I blame the heavy doses of cold and cough medicine I am currently on, cocktailed with serious quantities of cheap whiskey and a little bit of tea so old it may well have gone slightly psychedelic. So let's just forge ahead, eh?

What I like about the Ghost Hawk is that it doesn't seem so far out, so 'future tech' as to be impossible. No, it's not likely that the Army will soon start deploying heavily-armed, one-man VTOL craft. A part of my brain says anything this craft could do would probably be done more effectively by an unmaned craft of some sort. But a drone wouldn't look quite so cooly lethal, would it? And I like the idea of this being both an attack craft and/or an insertion/extraction vehicle. Again, my brains says "impractical" because you'd need too many of them to easily hide in any way, and the more of them you have, the better chance of tempermental mechanical things going kablooey. But it's still cool. And the things they've done to improve it... better skids, more detail in every way, a glassed-in cockpit (well, plastic-ed in). It really is quite fantastic. Now as for the pilot.

Shazam!

Whose idea was it to let Gomer Pyle fly this thing? If you can look at that face and see anyone but Jim Nabors then you, sir or madam, are good at self deception. But aside from clearly being based on the Gas Station Pump Jockey turned U.S. Marine from Mayberry, this is a pretty sweet figure. What would make it great, of course, would be if the goddamn pistol on his vest was functional instead of molded on. He does have a sweet knife, which I presume is to end his life honorably if he is shot down in that thing. There can't possibly be any bailing out, unless one is to be immediately sucked into the turbines.
Ratings: 10/10 for the Ghost Hawk, 7.8/10 for Lift Ticket, bumping to 8.6 with his helmet on. He's the "bag face" chick of the G.I. Joe Line.

Now, onto someone slightly less cool.

I can haz mortur.

Short Fuze sucks, okay. That's all there is to it. He's another boring green Army man that was cool in 1982 and mostly sucks in 2009. I mean, I'm glad I got the figure because I have enough of an obsession to want the entire Original 13, and the Joes should have a mortar or two available to them. I'm glad Short Fuze was made, and I'm glad I have the figure. But I'm just gonna come out and say it: Downtown was cooler, and would make a hell of a lot better 25th style figure. There.

Couldn't they at least have given him a mortar that was large enough to appear to be usable? And carrying two sidearms...what is this, Deadwood?
Rating: 6.7/10

The only thing reflected here is Grim Death.

I will try a more nuanced appraisal of Resolute Cobra Commander here (on whose neck-nubbin I placed the vac-metalized face of the 'Best of the 80s' DVD Pack Cobra Commander) sometime later. But I have to say, despite the restricted movement (articulation is nice but is not strictly necessary for a figure to be great in my opinion) of the half-cape he wears, this is the best CC they've yet released. By far.
Rating: 9/10

What was it you said about Python Patrol colors? Do I have to come over there?

Resolute Troopers are also the balls. Blue Firefly, manning the guns, slightly less so.

I don't even know what to write about this thing. It is every bit as awesome as anybody else has already said, and awesomer than anyone who didn't acknowledge its utter awesomeness said. If they continue with complete remolds of the small-to-medium size vehicles, I am going to continue to hang them on my walls. I don't even know how to take pictures of this thing in a way that adequately demonstrates how cool, how fun it is. I got this for Christmas from the Official Wife of LBAM...along with the UBP, the Ghost Hawk, and Resolute Figures...and I immediately wanted to just run it along the carpet making 'bbbrrrrfffwooosh' noises to simulate the fan-engine. This might actually be even better than the Ghost Hawk. I can't even decide. Let's call it a 10/10 and Copperhead a 9/10 and I'm off to drink myself to sleep.