Defense of Cobra Island

So you'll notice that we here at LBAMToyreview have a flexible definition of "tomorrow," which is when it was stated that reviews of the Defense of Cobra Island pack would appear.

Mistakes were made. Schedules were not considered. People have been sacked. Trust us.

One note: this review is not going to include the Alley Viper, since he has already been covered in detail in this space. Now, onto the reviews!

Dr. Mindbender.

Either the 1980s really were a more innocent time, or the folks who designed this were shocked when it got approved.

Look, a host of jokes present themselves, ok? But they're all either too easy or bordering on homophobic, and LBAMToyreview is better than that. It is impossible not to point out that the silver...thing...Dr. Mindbender carries answers rather too easily to the word "probe."

Haff you been naughty? Ve know you haff. No mustache ride! Only ze probe!

Ok, so maybe this blog isn't above some of the easy jokes. But in all seriousness, is there any chance a guy this ripped, dressed as he is, wouldn't be welcome in your friendly neighborhood BDSM club?

Of course, ultimately the question that needs answering is whether Mindbender is a good figure. He is, with a well-sculpted, iconic face, nicely detailed chest straps (props to CompulsiveCollector

for demonstrating the no fuss way to get his straps to sit straight on his torso) and a throwback soft cape. I tend to prefer the harder capes for durability and quality reasons...this small, these soft capes never really fall or fold well...but this works well enough for a classic Mindbender update. Where exactly does an orthodontist who performs groundbreaking research
into the use of electronically induced hypnosis, only to have it go horribly wrong and turn him into
a diabolical genius find enough hours in the day to get this ripped?

You know, as silly as Mindbender's backstory might seem...it is really just as I described in that rambling block of text up there stretching the limits of the term 'caption'...is it really so much weirder than that of dozens of other comic book villains? I doubt it. Mindbender does seem to be that catch-all "scientist" that sci-fi media tends to use; he's an orthodontist by trade who also knows enough about genetics to clone an ultimate leader out of the DNA of history's greatest leaders, he's a genius roboticist who created the Cobra B.A.T.s, and he can create weaponized vines...that's a pretty impressive resume.

I love that the back of the harness...which you wouldn't ordinarily see...has this much work put into it. I really do. Enough of my yakkin'. On with the ratings.
LBAM Rating: 8.7. Good, not thrilling, a solid reuse of existing parts with new head. In need of more accessories.

Lamprey

For my money, this guy wins "best of the 7 pack, non Alley Viper category" all day long. Mindbender has his uses, the Night Creeper is sweet, the Range Viper is better than expected...but the Lamprey takes the cake. He just oozes danger and competence. The translucent blue visor is the kind of detail I just love.

He also features a surprising amount of new tooling (at least I think it's new) for his SMG, sidearm, vest, backpack, hoses, and even upper torso...I can't think of any other 25th figure with that sculpted gorget-type thing around the neck. He's just a badass. I'm not sure why I love this figure so very much, but I do. I expected the entire helmet to be removable, given that the quite-similar-lamprey type figure in black and red for the Rise of Cobra line appears to have a removable helmet, but it hardly hurts the overall appearance or use of the figure.

Were he single carded, I'd be buying the hell out of him, especially in these classic colors.
LBAM Rating: 9.5/10. Not quite the Alley Viper, but a damn fine figure.

Air Viper

Why do I already own 3 Air Vipers? There's no excuse. It's a fine enough figure, but there is no reason for him to see three separate releases...four, soon, with the advent of Target RoC exclusives...so quickly. I am all for reusing, repainting, etc. But I don't need to own any more of these guys.
LBAM Rating: 7/10. Nice. Not thrilling, but nice. Cobra Pilots are always less interesting figures to me than are Cobra ground-pounders or Cobra naval troopers. Not sure why.

Cobra BAT

I am ALL for battle-damaged robots. Battle damaged robots create ambience in flair in a collection. I dig it. Quick question, though; why, if the regular carded BAT could have a nifty black paint wash on his extremities, does this guy, who has clearly seen better days, have shiny, shiny metal limbs. Did he just break out a polishing kit in the middle of a firefight? The black wash would've made this figure complete. Sure, I CAN give it one on my own...and I probably will...but c'mon. Still, the battle damage is sweet.

That is craftsmanship right there, dammnit. I also dig that he comes with the first-comic appearance backpack, spores, and vines...but I also wouldn't mind if all the other B.A.T. limbs came with it as well.
LBAM Rating: 8.9. A black wash makes it a 10. Also, mine came with a spare head but not a spare chestplate, and I have heard some chatter that others had spare chestplates. Anything to that?

Night Creeper

That is a man's crossbow right there. Early Cuyler would kill to hang that thing on the rack on his truck-boat-truck.

Despite the presence of several shades of purple, the Night Creeper is a man's ninja. Really a great update to the classic, though I wouldn't mind seeing different arms, I can live with the Flint arms. The crossbow really makes the figure. I mean honestly.

Seriously, I think Sgt. Detritus might carry that thing. If you got both references, congratulations...you are just as big a geek as I am.

Anyway, this figure harkens to the very end of my childhood G.I. Joe collecting/playing and is somehow extra nostalgic for that fact. He really is a terrific update, and I look forward to opportunities to round out my ranks of Night Creepers.
LBAM Rating: 9.2/10

Range Viper

The above was the best picture of the Range Viper I took. Point? I took some seriously shitty pictures the other night. Ah well.

Well, alright...this one is better. Regardless, this is a really well made fig. I should've given a close up of the skull mask (beneath which lurks a blue Beachhead head) and in his hand there is a Marauder, Inc. grenade launcher, not his standard issue. I recommend it for all grenade launcher needs. If I'm looking at it right, this figure really needed very little new tooling to be an awesome new figure. It's well done. What else do you want? Not every figure lends itself to cheap jokes about anal probes, ok?

LBAM Rating: 9/10

Well, that wraps up the Cobra Island 7-packs. With any luck, and a steady supply of beer, I may get some more Rise of Cobra reviews up this week.

Cobra Island 7-Packs!

I'm sure most of us remember lingering over the catalog photos of toys we wanted as kids; in the Sears "Wishbook" or a Christmas circular from the local toy store (which is itself a relic of bygone days). I know I'd stare at the stuff so hard it was like I could actually wish it into existence.

I think that's how all G.I. Joe Collectors have felt since February, when the Assault and Defense of Cobra Island 7-packs were announced at ToyFair 2009. And now they've finally...finally...arrived. Rather oddly, it took just shy of forever for them to even go up for pre-order at most sites, yet when they did, they arrived and shipped out almost immediately. At any rate, today, happiness...or something like it...arrived via UPS.


The 7-packs as a whole are just pure and total win. The Joe pack brings a fantastic assortment of fan favorite new figures, with but a single previously released fig in the bunch...and in new colors that can pass for a Night Force version.

The Cobra pack offers just the one new character along with 6-troop builders, and I find the assortment slightly puzzling. I mean, did we really need the opportunity to buy 3 different releases of Strato-Vipers/Air-Vipers in the past month? I know I didn't.

I'll try to keep my remarks quick for each figure, since there are so many to get through, and knowing me, if I don't do them all at once, right now, I never will. To wit:

Recondo

So, Recondo, summarized; stache is wicked, wrapped rifle is nostalgic, and a well detailed new sculpt that I failed to take a decent picture of. The well-sculpted, removable boonie hat is a fantastic touch, and while I wish that he still had a watch on his left wrist, the mix of parts (Dusty torso, fixed-Duke arms) works all together. All in all, I dig this figure quite a bit, though I am not totally bowled over by it. I would buy a Tiger Force repaint, however.

Haven't decided whether to keep him equipped with this rifle and try to paint it a bit, or issue him a Marauder M-14. Thoughts?
LBAM Rating: 8.0

Outback

There is an intense air of "do not fuck with this man" coming off this face sculpt.

I think I like this version of Outback better than the one that came with the Flak Cannon, maybe because I love me some sub-teams, and this is as close to a Night Force Outback we're ever going to get.

Love the removable flashlight, love that he comes with a backpack, that I have also failed to take decent pictures of. The flashlight, when held, does leave an unsightly gash in his leg, to wit;

LBAM Rating: 8.9

Hit and Run

Hit&Run was probably my favorite, favorite figure of my later phase of Joe collecting as a kid. There was just a more realistic feel about him, and the gear he came with was top-notch. While I quite like this new Hit&Run...I mean, come ON, it's a 25th Anniversary HIT&RUN, PEOPLE!...the gear he comes isn't what I wish it were. I mean, I doubt the tooling for his old duffel&knife are around anywhere, but I would've loved to see an approximation of them. Airborne's backpack+grappling hook don't quite get it done, if you ask me.
They do work, mind you...but they just lack the cool factor of his duffel. And of course I've already given him a Marauder M4.

LBAM Rating: 8.8. The green IS a little too bright, but I genuinely like this figure.

Ripcord

Your stand says "Spc. Altitude," but we know you're really Ripcord.

They said they wouldn't do it. And in a sense, I suppose, Hasbro can continue to say that they didn't, in fact, do it...but this is Ripcord. They didn't manage to give him his FN Fal rifle, but the camo is right, the gear is close enough...it loses a little given that the hose doesn't connect to anything, but just sort of hangs there. The wrap-around parachute gear is pretty sweet, but doesn't seem likely to come off without removing his legs.
I already issued him a Marauder Inc G36 to replace what he came with...his right hand has been so stretched out by being packed holding onto the rifle that it's nearly impossible to get anything without an enormous handle in there. Fun fact: as a kid, I insisted my figures hold their primary weapons in their right hands. Because I'm right-handed, you see. I've gotten over that. Mostly.
The helmet doesn't look so good without the face mask on. Helmet sort of crowds the face.

This headsculpt perhaps makes him look a bit too old.

Not a lot of gear, but a great figure. I mean, c'mon, it is classic Ripcord. Yet the fanboys will continue to bitch, no matter how much great stuff Hasbro turns out.

Wet-Suit

I do not care if he was originally planned as Diver Duke or what.

It looks like Wet-Suit. I don't care if the helmet isn't precisely right. He could use the flashlight, but I might have one of those hanging around somewhere. He, of course, needed his silly speargun replaced with something more functional; he's not going fishing.



Love this figure, absolutely stoked that it actually had a new headsculpt; I expected to see just another Torpedo face, which I am downright sick of. When you throw the new straps across the body, it's comes across as an entirely different fig. Love it.
LBAM Rating:9.8/10

Chuckles

There are two minor miracles at play here; the fact that a Chuckles figure came out at all, and the fact that I bought it. Blame G.I. Joe: Cobra, the good-to-excellent G.I. Joe comic from IDW, which made the character interesting for the first time. I feel like Hasbro kind of missed the boat on this one, though. Initially, there were pictures of a darker-shirted Chuckles that looked much snazzier than what we got. I kind of dig the headsculpt; he looks like a dickweed from an SEC school. That's kind of how I picture Chuckles anyway.


But the accessories are lacking, and the hands are pure and total fail.

They worked on Spirit. They kinda-sorta worked on Mainframe, but on Chuckles, it's just a disaster. I'm not sure why he has gloved hands at all, or why he has these gloved hands. I'm tempted to go pick up another Sgt. Stone figure from the Rise of Cobra line and swap his hands; he has fantastic gloved hands (and is a great figure, but that's for another day).

His only firearm is a resounding "meh." And I'd prefer him not to have a leg with a knife-sheath on it; he's supposed to be an undercover operative. Undercover operatives might carry briefcases or satchels but not great bloody big knives on their legs. I mean honestly.

Ultimately the gear he comes with is pretty useless, and his hands need replacing. Not sure what I'm going to do about all that, but I'll figure something out. And finally, I don't think there is any excuse for non-functional shoulder holsters anymore. There just isn't.
LBAM Rating: 7.8. Still a lot of potential here.

Zap

Homerun. That's the only word for it. Zap is straight out of the damn park.

LBAM Rating: 10. Probably the best-sculpted and most interesting of the "greenshirt" contingent of the original 13. Perfect.

Of course, I can't find his damn helmet. It's in the study/toy-room somewhere but I'll be damned if I can find it.

I'll get to the Cobra figures tomorrow; too late to deal with 'em now.

Rise of Cobra strikes early in Delaware!

Picked up some RoC toys early here in DE and rushed, RUSHED, breathlessly, without stopping to eat or rest or speak to the Official Wife or pet the Official Cats, to get my fellow nerds amateurish pictures and my own sophomoric thoughts on them! Huzzah!

Cobra Gunship

The Cobra Gunship. I apologize that I just could not seem to figure out a way to get a decent full shot of the thing. These pictures are, admittedly, rushed. But this thing has a really streamlined, near-future feel. And for those of you complaining (I can hear you!) that this thing wouldn't fly, that it looks like a helicopter missing its rotor, I ask you to explain how this, this, or this would fly, then tell me again how Rise of Cobra is destroying everything that was ever good about G.I. Joe. The armament on here is a little sparse; these two missiles, some bombs, and one forward gun, so it doesn't quite live up to the name "Gunship." Even so, it has plenty of neat features.

Unfortunately, the pilot isn't one of them. Why they chose a basic Firefly mold, slapped some new webgear and a helmet on, I don't know, especially considering Firefly is already getting a release as a TRU exclusive. This figure is not inspiring. The webgear is nice, and the tubes hook into spots in the cockpit. But why not put it on some MARS trooper or Neo-Viper type figure? Can't answer that one.

The cockpit IS pretty nicely detailed for a Joe vehicle; a decal or some color wouldn't hurt, though. The decals/color for this gunship are a little under par; it is almost a flat gray, the decals are all clear with red symbols or writing, the missiles and bombs are red. While it is sleek, some highlights, some paint, some black would look pretty great here or there. What IS good about it? The overall look and design, and the passenger compartment.

Who could the mystery passenger be?!?

Plenty of space back there for troops, for VIPs, what have you. I would really like it if there was some kind of gun emplacement that popped out; in fact, in the earliest pictures I thought that's what the purpose of the door was, but I'll take the passenger space, and the possibility for neat poses/dio shots it offers.

Mile high club? You better believe it.

Overall, the best thing this vehicle has going is its futuristic design. Unlike many Cobra vehicles, it looks lethal and advanced, not like something a bad sci-fi writer dreamt up on a coke binge.

LBAM Rating: 8.5/10. I may, if I feel brave, take some paint to this to try and create some highlights. I mistrust my skill level; I am much more comfortable painting in the 15mm scale, where my errors are all but invisible to the naked eye. I'd say this is definitely worth getting, especially for army builders, where it has a modicum of versatility as both an assault aircraft and a transport.

Steel Crusher APV

A sign of purest evil.

We here at LBAMtoyreview have long believed that those civilians who choose to drive Hummers are simply and effectively declaring that they do not give a crap about their fellow man, not those that share the road with them, nor, indeed, those who merely share the planet (we carefully point out that those driving Hummers in a military, police, or rescue capacity are not lumped herein). Driving one of these by choice is effectively displaying an upraised middle finger to the rest of the species, and in theory the LBAM, of course, has zero problem with flipping most of the rest of the species the bird. At any rate, Cobra has come along to prove our suspicions correct.

Thankfully, of course, this Hummer is merely a toy, and a fantastic one, at that, with loads of playability and coolness built in.

Ninja fights atop speeding armored vehicles=PLAYABILITY!!

I love this vehicle. I would've loved it as a kid. What is not to love? It is large, threatening, armed, armored, has solid rubber tires and fantastic detailing. I would have beat the hell out of this thing running it into other vehicles as a kid. Actually, judging from its heft, it is more likely I would've been beating the hell out of other vehicles and/or the wall. It would have been a key component of running firefights, and many a Cobra operative would've met their death firing madly from behind the doors.

If the Lethal Weapon series has taught us nothing else, it's that car doors=adequate cover from gunfire of all caliber.

Hidden missiles, as seen on TV.

Thank you MTV!

This is a solid 10, no doubt about it. Great vehicle. The "Nitro-Viper" isn't the most thrilling figure, and he could really use a few more paint applications, but the rating is for the vehicle, not the driver. A cautionary note: the decal sheets for these two vehicles did NOT come numbered, and in the case of the Steel Crusher, there are some decals that are just about indistinguishable from one another when printed in black and white, as on the instructions. I think I misapplied a few; care and patience is warranted.
LBAM Rating: 10/10

Storm Shadow

Even now, I take aim at your favorite international monument.

Storm Shadow, pictured above with his Eiffel Tower blow-uppy rocket launcher gizawhatzit. It's actually a pretty sharp little number, and if we hadn't already seen, in trailers, Storm Shadow blowing hell out of the Eiffel Tower with that very weapon, I'd wonder why it was packed with him and not Destro or Baroness or something similar, since it has a high-tech feel. At any rate, this Storm Shadow is a snazzy looking figure who comes loaded for bear. He's got the aforementioned gizawhatzit, the claw, a pistol, and, of course, his two swords.

No, it is NOT the first time he's wielded a gun.

Those of you who are thinking it is, go read your Marvel Comics; Storm Shadow toted firearms in some of his earliest appearances in the comic. As for the cartoon, well...screw the cartoon. I don't care if he ever carried a firearm in that. Now, as for the figure itself, and not its accessories, yes, the skirt does impede some of his movement. It is a spectacular sculpt, all the moreso considering that almost purely in white, and the sculpt itself is the only way to transmit detail. The tiniest splash of silver on a belt buckle and the Cobra emblem are the only splashes of color. This figure deserves a place in any Storm Shadow fan's collection, because it really brings his look into the 21st century.

Also, he's a frickin' badass, and the Arashikage hexagrams are on both swords. Awesome.

Overall Rating: 9/10. Loses a point for the restricted mobility, but the accessories (uh, minus the weird ninja-star launcher thinger) and the sculpt earn serious points.

Snake Eyes

At this point, you either LIKE the Snake-Eyes look for the film (many facesculpts have had mouths, going back to v2 in 1985, so get over it) or you decided early on you hate it, and nothing will ever budge a bitchy fanboy once he's made up his mind, so I won't bother trying. It's a good figure, maybe not quite as great as the Hall of Heroes w/Timber version, but better than the DVD pack, better than the 2nd Joe 5 pack, really one of the best, plain and simple. He's flexible, posable, playable, well detailed, well sculpted...everything I want in a Snake Eyes figure, AND he's got two different ways to mount his sword on his back. I, er...forgot to take pictures of either of them. But there's a slot on his gunbelt/webgear and slots in his backpack, either of which work just fine.

He also has a rather smallish Uzi that I will probably call upon Marauder Inc to replace, and, of course, the launcher. I will address the launcher this time; as a kid, I would absolutely have found ways to play with the one Snake-Eyes is packed with. Why?

ZIPLINE, that's why!

Without question, despite its outsized proportions (see below), this would've become SE's preferred method of insertion when I was playing with my Joes as a kid. Hell, there's an outside chance I've played with it once or twice already (guilty) seeing what kind of hold it can get and how well it bears a Joe figure's weight (not very, middling). Still, the ultimate point is, I can see the appeal of this particular launcher (not ALL of them, but this and some others) to kids. It might not be the sole reason, but it would be a reason.

Rating: 9.5/10. The uzi is a little disappointing. Sword could use paint app on the hexagram. Otherwise, stellar. Remember - the launchers do not factor into the rating, even this one, which I admit to enjoying.

Duke

This is probably the most REAL ASS Duke ever made, including the super badass Resolute version. I love it. Night vision on the helmet. Even his weapons aren't bad, but I can't wait to see how he'll look with others.

REAL ASS

More launcher discussion, so skip ahead if it glazes your eyes: at least they tried to model Duke's launcher on a real rocket launcher. It is still enormous and the figure looks ridiculous posed with it. To wit:

Nerd! Shoot it, SHOOT IT!

Yes, it's taller, when loaded, than Duke is.

There is also, of course, the matter of the facial sculpt.

Chicks dig scars.

It seems pretty spot on in person, honestly. Ultimately I can see this figure being really popular with army-builders, for simple headswaps to make desert-themed units. If you want one, buy it the first time you see it, I'd say (of course, there'll probably be scads of them available all summer, so what do I know?)

LBAM Rating: 10/10. A great Duke figure, regardless of how well or poorly Tatum fares in the film.

Neo-Viper

When I first glimpsed bits of it, I wasn't terribly thrilled with the film's look for the Neo-Vipers. Over time, it has grown on me. Pictures of the various versions of him on the net have whetted my appetite. Finally, when I saw it in package, I was blown away; it defied my expectations.

I can just feel the intense, blistering waves of 'fuck off' coming from beneath that mask.

Yes, it is a big departure from the original Viper or Neo-Viper look; recall, though, that Neo-Vipers have been around since what, 2002? And boy, did that figure suck. At any rate, if change doesn't frighten you, this figure is awesome. It threatens, but it also means fucking business, ok? I am not totally in love with his weapons, but I am in love with the fact that they neatly stow on his backpack, so even if I give him some kind of replacement rifle, they are likely to stay in place.
LBAM Rating: 10/10. Blew me away. Considered going back and buying the rest of them, but will hold off till more flavors of Neo-Viper are available.

James McCullen Destro XXIV...

...is a badass.

Look, any regular readers of this space know the LBAM has an unconcealed, nonsexual man-crush on Destro. This figure is no different. It rocks. Good articulation that is not really hampered by the hanging 'skirt' of his jacket (see above pics for him sitting). He has stowable weapons. And he has probably the best face-sculpt any Destro figure ever has.

It took popping the head off to reassure myself that the mask wasn't removable. It is that convincing.

This figure is getting a 10. We all know that. When has this blog not given a Destro figure a 10?
Maybe it isn't quite as great as the I.G. Destro, but that is still my #1 or 2 figure of the 25th Anniversary line. The rifle he carries is a little unwieldy, and I'm uncertain of the point of the rifle breaking into two pieces, but it can be stowed, the shoulder rig is sweet, and the suit has a "battlefield formal" feel to it.
LBAM Rating: 10/10. Like you didn't see that coming.
Bonus fact: Each character's truncated file card lists a "preferred weapon." Destro's is apparently the "High Oxidizing Temperature flamethrower." Yes, really.

Baroness

I didn't get any good closeups on the face. It's not the best facesculpt Baroness has ever had. I don't find it as objectionable as a bunch of others, and I don't think it's the worst. Leave the glasses on, it's fine. The figure otherwise is solid; I love the way the handguns peg into her legs, I dig the briefcase with its snazzy MARS logo.
I also dig that it is functional.

ZOMG! Nanomites!

LBAM Rating: 8/10. I look forward to future Baroness figures from this line. I think there's room for improvement in what is already a solid figure.

ALLEY VIPER!!!

That's right, LBAMToyreview is back and has gone to extreme lengths to bring you cutting edge reviews on product that isn't even out yet.*

And, perhaps, to taunt you a little, because I have the Alley Viper and you don't.

Let me just say that sometimes, the world is everything it is talked up to be by the smiling morning people I occasionally associate with. Sometimes, just sometimes, all our expectations are met, or exceeded. Sometimes, in fact, life is what you want it to be.

This is pretty much one of those times. It would not be a stretch to say that the Alley Viper has revived my ever-tenuous faith in humanity, at least for a little while. Note that since this role is usually filled by Scotch, spending money to get a pre-release Alley Viper shipped from China is not only healthier, but cheaper. So there's that.

Shields are always practical.

The Alley Viper is just crazy badass. I recommend storing him in a separate room from your other toys lest he start fucking them up for sport. It goes without saying that he deserves to be displayed loose, in quantity, and in as many dynamic poses as possible.

Just try to keep me boxed. It's not possible.

He comes with a preposterous amount of gear. I'm not entirely sure that this guy is complete, because he has two knife sheaths and but one knife, but I can work around that.

The weight of all that gear is counterbalanced by the enormous, ironclad balls it takes to wear orange and blue in combat.

Regular readers of LBAMToyreview know I believe, when it comes to Joe figures, the more accessories the better. The absolute best figures, however, provide a means for the figure to carry all his gear. The Alley Viper scores on both points. We're looking at an SMG, a grapple-gun, a nightstick, a shield, and (potentially) two knives. He can carry all of it, all at once. Hallelujah.

I want to find the designer who said "let's give him a nightstick AND a place to put it" and hug him/her.

And then, of course, there's the grapple gun. As a kid I used to make great use of an "imaginary" grapple gun that allowed the Alley Viper to do all kinds of wacky stuff, but I always dreamt of having an actual removable grapple launcher. I dream no more.

The only thing I can possibly nitpick about this figure, however, is related to the grapple gun. Mostly that the fit of it into the backpack is extremely finicky. When you pick the figure up, it will fall off. When the AC turns on, it will fall of. Cat walks by, it falls. Door opens, it falls. Earthquake 4 states away, falls. Moon rises, it falls. I'm pretty sure when the Large Hadron Collider powers up this fall, the grapple gun will hit the floor. It is possible to get it on there, but basically you have to press it in and hope for the best. It's also possible that this fig is not quite the final production model, as it's got some marker writing on the back and some very slightly sloppy paint apps, so maybe the pack that hits this fall will be different. I don't pretend to know for sure, but I think most of us are going to be sticking it on there and holding our breath.

Complain about it too much, though, and he will beat your head down between your ass cheeks.

All in all, I can't give this figure anything other than a perfect ten. It is a perfect 25th Anniversary G.I. Joe Alley Viper.

For the detail obsessed, this figure uses a lot of SE V3; torso, upper legs, and I believe modified upper arms (it's got some of the same details, some different). New lower legs, new lower arms, and obviously new gear (not sure if I've seen the nightstick before; I don't think it's the same nightstick as the Steel Brigade 6 pack, but I'm not going digging to find out). The helmet, it is worth noting, is made out of a softish and flexible plastic, which I like, as it molds well around the head and reduces the possibility of chipping the figure. Now, for your edification, a couple of comparison shots.



Quite frankly, this figure just about represents the apotheosis of the current Joe line. I can't wait to see the ways the hate-what-they-love Fanboys are going to invent to complain about it, though. My money's on "should've been single-carded," when, frankly, so much new tooling has gone into this figure it is bound to show up again somewhere. We'll have our chances. Even now I am calculating just how many I can buy before my wife delivers me an "Alley Viper or me" ultimatum.

*Lengths mostly consist of not telling the Official Wife of LBAM how much it cost.

The People You Meet on Toy Collecting Boards, Part the Second

8. The Gun Nut

Prone to posting alarmist articles linking to horrible misinterpretation of impending legislation regarding firearms. Absolutely terrified that the new Libr'l president is coming to take his guns away, and by God, he will start the revolution then. This guy's reactionary roots come out when he posts his views on the inclusion of a black actor with the name of a a minor secondary comic character in the upcoming GI Joe film. It doesn't take a great thinker to realize how these guys end up on toy boards dedicated to collecting little plastic army men. That doesn't make it any less creepy when their avatar is a shooting weapon, or every post is followed by some obscure quote about ownership of teflon coated bullets and automatic weapons is a God given right, or the delusion that owning a locker full of rifles and handguns is going to allow them to overthrow the government. This guy also tends to believe that the Amero is real. Ultimately, many of these guys are also really afraid of the fact that there is a president with darker skin than them.

9. The Big Spender

This guy tends to take two forms; there's the new collector who either has a lot of disposable income or is just burying himself in credit card debt that he'll never be able to pay off. Then there's the longtime veteran collector who is prone to dropping statements indicating that it is just not possible to take another collector seriously unless he's spending four to six thousand dollars a year on toys. The former has massive piles of new toys, many many multiples of recently released items, enormous armies, dozens of vehicles, while the latter is busy trying to complete a collection of possibly every single article even remotely related to GI Joe. Both never fail to point out how much money they have.

10. The Specialist

This guy is into completing some weird collection, like Polish bootlegs or prototypes or every character that appeared in a 13 issue arc of a comic series from 1987-1988. Inexplicable.

11. The Secretist

This guy is such an uber elite super collector that he doesn't even share photos of his collection online, go to conventions, participate on message boards, or generally seem to enjoy the hobby at all. In fact, it may seem as though he doesn't participate in it, if it weren't for the acolytes who speak in hushed tones about their massive, special collections, the contents of which they dare not share with others. Given the hush hush surrounding their collection, they may very well be collecting rare editions of the Necronomicon.

12. The Guardian

Have no fear, this guy is out there abusing customer service folks and trying to bust repackers for all he's worth. Actual garbled quote from one, claiming what he'd do if he saw a repacker in action: "it's time to go to the men's room and do the who's more badass dance."

Really? You're gonna start a fight over toys? Really? Statements like that lead me to believe the dude has never been in an actual fight.

These guys are also prone to take every single busted package they see to customer service and are positively baffled, BAFFLED, when the $7/hour retail employee doesn't take the time to learn all the various character names and why this product isn't right. Then they get moral indignation and outrage, even more so if anyone points out to them that there is no reason to expect low-wage employees to pay that much attention to toys they don't care about nearly as much as the Guardian does.

These guys also go nuts about bent cards and such, and go on to make false analogies about toy packaging being a necessary and integral part of the product.

Also prone to suggesting that Hasbro start putting barcodes on products, or start using foil seals and the like. When told that serial numbers and scanner codes identifying each product with the appropriate box would cause Wal-Mart to tell Hasbro to piss off, they somehow convince themselves it's a good thing.


Perhaps more later.

Some Toys that Aren't GI Joe!

Marvel Universe figures are awesome. I really feel like they are Marvel Legends hit with a shrink ray; I know in some cases the articulation doesn't quite match up to many of those larger figs, but at the same time, some of the Marvel Legends suffered from too much articulation. Some figures had some very funky arms with weird armpit ball joints that did not look good (two-pack Daredevil, for example), and some were so full of joints that they had perpetual hunchback. Many of the female figures, especially Psylocke, genuinely looked awful because they had so many joints built in everywhere. No such problem with these. To wit

The Good

The Bad

The Ugly

First and most obviously...make some more damn villains, Hasbro. I know they're working hand in hand with Marvel to make figures that are relevant to recent events in the comic but jeez. We've got Captain America, Iron Man (x2), Black Panther, Ronin, Daredevil, Spider-Man, Iron Fist, Wolverine, and the Silver Surfer. Opposing them? Green Goblin and Bullseye. This is a mismatch folks, pure and simple. Then, of course, there's the Hulk, and if Planet Hulk (best Hulk series ever, btw...check it out) taught us nothing else, it's that nobody can beat the Hulk. Nobody. But then, he's not really on any side, either. At any rate, I'm only going to tackle one figure at a time here on the ol' toyblog; that way I might actually get more done, AND blogging will fit into my writing priorities a little better. So we'll start at the top.

Captain America rules. Women want him, men want to be him. Plus he has a rockin' shield. Sure, he's dead in the comics (at least, when I stopped reading Marvel comics he was dead). Is he still dead? Did he come back with the Skrulls or what? I couldn't handle it anymore. This figure, based on the Ultimate Universe Cap is incredible in its detail. The shield, the boots, the gear on the belt...right off the page. Frankly I think this design is preferable to the one many of my fellow nerds are clamoring for, with the wings on the mask. Weakling that I am, I'll probably buy that too, at least to get the other character in the 2-pack. This figure is a straight up 10, no questions asked.

Cap is so awesome that if you are looking at this and you are female, you are pregnant. Fortuntately, since my readership appears to decidedly of the male, geek, personal friend of mine persuasion, we're probably safe. Unless the Official Wife reads this. Then, well...shit.

Only a few things could be more awesome than Cap. One of them, to wit: Cap with a machine gun.

Die Nazis!

Yeah. Awesome.

On a side note, I do plan to take some more pics of Cap with GI Joe figures, since he meshes so obviously with them. Who should be on Cap's team?

Post in which a Highly Educated Adult Plays with Toys

In a past post...just scroll down to Resolute and Vehicles...the LBAM made certain claims regarding his desire to run the Sting Raider around on his carpet making "bbbrrfwooosh" noises. Friend of LBAM Soul Kerfuffle admitted that he would in fact pay money to see video of this. Far be it from me to pass up any opportunity to make money off of my hobbies. In that vein I present the following three pieces of cinema; "Bbbbrrrfwooosh," and "Bbbbrrrfwooosh Redux"