30th Anniversary Wave 4 and Etc.

Yeah, it's been a while. In my defense, since the last time I posted here I've written over 100,000 thousand words of prose, some poems, plus started a whole new school year wherein I am expected to work for more than 40 hours a week. It really is the fucking worst. Obviously I should just be able to bullshit on here forever. Alas, it is not (yet) to be, but, dear devoted readers, here are some half-assed pictures and quarter-assed reviews of recent G.I. Joe Releases, starting with the Joe characters from the 30th Anniversary, Wave 4.

Airtight

I LOVED Airtight as a kid. As an adult, I guess it doesn't make a ton of sense that G.I. Joe has its own Chemical, Biological, and Nuclear Environment Specialist, but what the hell, they have many ninja, a samurai, a psychologist, a hostage negotiator, a disguise expert, a vet, and who knows what else. Although, to be fair, I do know that real special forces sometimes had a psychologist on board if they could swing it. And, let's be honest; they could create 'G.I. Joe Company Clerk, Codename 'Radar,' and if it looked sharp, I'd buy it - I am that guy. And this Airtight looks more than sharp, he looks awesome, and he comes with sweet accessories and a removable helmet (big improvement over the original) and he just LOOKS like a nerd named Kurt Schurr, only kind of angry badass nerd who will fuck you up if you make with the chemical weapons.

How much cash you figure Airtight has rung up on long, lonely deployments with the 'special' attachment he rigged up on his vacuum rifle? Also, what the hell does a vacuum rifle even do?

This is such a faithful recreation of the original pack and weapon I am just staggered by it. Also based on the design I do wonder if the rifle/vacuum thing isn't meant to disperse potential C/B/R threats by, uhm, blowing them? I was just drunk enough to make that seem like a viable option, yet sober enough to realize that sounds really fucking stupid. Anyway, I guess the Joes WOULD need a Chem-Bio-Radio guy given that Cobra is likely to play as dirty as a Tijuana hooker.

Given that, his head and torso sculpt make awesome sense.

I'm reminded of Dustin Hoffman in Outbreak.

If Dustin Hoffman in Outbreak had a shotgun, anyway.

LBAM Rating: I'm not even sure how to rate this most recent wave. They are ALL amazing. How can I give Airtight less than a perfect rating? If I am rating it based on the idea that it is an update of the original figure, it cannot possibly be less than a 10; if I am rating it as a Pursuit of Cobra figure, well, perhaps it's a tad less detailed (but only a tad) and slightly less modern, but how could it be less than an 8 even at that? Let's call it: a 9.0/10.

Law and Order

This figure occupies a kind of interesting middle ground between Pursuit of Cobra and Renegades. My personal feeling is that Renegades deserved better, both as a show and as a toy-line, but obviously Hasbro's confidence wasn't with it from the beginning, and I think the clear similarities between the plot of the upcoming Joe sequel film and the cartoon can't be overlooked. That being said, it's hard to know where precisely to classify this figure, but no matter what, it's a quality update to any collection.

Out-cutingOut-cuting Timber, Polly, Max, Sandstorm, Mutt, and whatever the fuck Deep Six's Dolphin's name was since 2011.

Seriously, this is easily the most detailed and best sculpted Joe animal companion ever. Just lookit that flak vest!!

I'd put one of these on my cats just to put pictures on Facebook of it.

Also, instead of a gimmick articulation like Rise of Cobra Timber had, you can actually pose Order's head all over the place.

Law is one intensely old and ugly looking dude. Seriously. He could scare children for a living. I gather that cops can age pretty quick due to stresses of the job, and that military cops might just have it worse. Even so, this dude looks like his face is melting.

The detail on this vest is pretty fantastic, and definitely allows Law to fit into the PoC aesthetic if you wish him to. I will be happy to see it reappear throughout the subscription, and possibly the Retaliation line - I doubt that its appearance on Surefire will be its last.

I like shotguns. I hope to see this one again. I also like that Law came loaded with accessories; helmet, shotgun, SMG, pistol with silencer, revolver, handcuffs, riot visor. He is missing a nightstick but I'm pretty sure a Renegades Cobra trooper can spare one if I simply MUST have for him. My question is, do I display Law with the Renegades or with PoC? The best answer, probably, is to get a second one and say "both." But we'll see. This figure does make me pine for a second season of Renegades, where we surely would've seen the core team recruit Law, Shipwreck, Breaker, Airtight, Doc, Steeler....it's too depressing to really think too much about.

LBAM Rating: 8.8/10. Dude is too ugly to make a 9.

Lifeline

In all seriousness, what can I say that this picture doesn't?

I have to admit, I am a bit torn on this Lifeline - should a figure represent his characterization as a committed pacifist or not? On the one hand, my first instinct is to say that a unit like G.I. Joe needs everyone to carry a weapon; on the other, after doing a little research, I would say that, rifle or not, there are no better examples of bravery or service than Desmond Doss, Thomas W. Bennet, or Joseph G. LaPointe, Jr.

I think Generals Joes may have already suggested this, but perhaps Lifeline picks up a rifle to fend off Cobra Zombies, who aren't precisely alive? It is, perhaps, splitting hairs, but the beauty of the zombie apocalypse scenario is that it allows for all kinds of moral quandaries...and the guilt-free slaughter of our annoying neighbors.

That is the LAST TIME his dog shits on my lawn.

Really, the Joes do need more medical personnel to pair up with Doc. And boy does Lifeline come equipped for that.

There isn't really anything I can add to those pictures. Either you like awesome figures and will love Lifeline, or you hate everything that is fun and you can just go straight to hell.
LBAM Rating: 10/10. No, he isn't Low-Light, or the Ultimate Snake-Eyes, but for Lifeline, he is PERFECT.

Sci-Fi

Perfect update of the original. Period. Whether you like the original or not is a separate issue; but as an update OF the original, this is unbeatable. I happen to like the original, and as a self-admitted sucker for new Joe characters, I love this figure. LOVE. Possibly my favorite of this wave, in all honesty. I loved the original Sci-Fi as well; in my childhood battles he was constantly picking Cobra aircraft out of the sky. Perhaps I was predicting lasering? You know what else about this update of Sci-Fi?

He will fuck you up. Seriously, look at that blank, black expanse of visor and tell me how you can draw any conclusion other than that he will fucking end you?

There is no remorse here. No mercy. No compassion. Only endless fucking. Of you. UP.

Dude looks like he has been through the shit. Really.


Detail.

Posability. Also a drastically improved rifle from the original.
I wonder, are those battery packs for his rifle? Does every step charge them up? If so, shouldn't there be some connection to his backpack? Perhaps it's the opposite - perhaps they are some kind of static discharge device to keep him from blowing the fuck up. Either way, it's a cool detail, though I do worry about how well those cords will age and whether they might snap in time. Also, I must say, I am glad that he is firmly based on the original Sci-Fi. Goofy though that version may have been, the following versions are far goofier; V2 just looked boring, and the succeeding Star Brigade versions were all fucking terrible, because Star Brigade was the worst thing to happen to G.I. Joe that wasn't Eco-Force (which is in a category of terrible all its own, though, to his eternal credit, when handed that pile of crap for the comics, Larry Hama gave it his best shot and made readable stories anyway).

LBAM Rating: 10/10. Yeah. It's perfect. I suppose if you hate fun and things that are awesome you might disagree.

Storm Shadow


FUCK!!!


I DON'T EVEN


WHUTT


!!!!!


JEEBUS FRUITCAKE CHRIST

It's fine if you don't like G.I. Joe. It's fine if you don't collect toys; it's fine if you DO collect toys but not G.I. Joe. But if on the intersecting part of the venn diagram of "toy collector" and "G.I. Joe Fan" we can find you, and you don't like this figure, well...go fuck yourself.

LBAM Rating: A billion/10.

Techno Viper

I forgot to take a picture of his traffic cone. Which is actually kind of cool. Whatever; it's late and I'm drunk. The Techno-Viper is yet another awesome Cobra Troop type, joining the Viper, the Alley-Viper, Shock-Trooper, Hazard-Viper, Iron Grenadier, and Zombie-Viper. It's almost overwhelming. It is also a note-perfect update, YET AGAIN. Hasbro is just knocking pitch after pitch out of the fucking park.

LBAM Rating: 10/10. I need a new rating system; all the newest figures are just too awesome.

Zombie Viper

Not entirely sure where I stand on Zombies as current pop-culture craze. I enjoy The Walking Dead as a comic but I'm not gaga over it; the TV show sucks, frankly - it suffers from the notion that characters will always do whatever the writers think will be most dramatic, not what their characterization indicates they SHOULD do.

I like the idea that Cobra might know full well what its "Compound Z" could do, and yet would deliberately infect a bunch of its troopers anyway.

That's pretty awesome zombie face right there. I suppose I wish the figure was colored more like a traditional Cobra trooper; blue or even black or grey, rather than green. That might lend itself to the notion that Cobra is just deliberately infecting its troops.

I love this harness, and wish two things; one, that the Viper came with three canisters, which it was clearly designed to, and that I took a better shot of its tattered edges; the idea that the Zombie Vipers were restrained, but tore loose, is well represented, and leads a dynamic edge to the figure.

I don't know what the fuck is going on with these crazy tentacle arms. I don't much like them and don't plan to display my Zombie figures with them, because they seem pretty far out of the Zombie-Viper theme.

LBAM Rating: 8.8/10. Very solid. Could use more interesting accessories, but I'd like to find a couple more.

In the end, if this is all there is of the 30th Anniversary, we certainly can only complain that there isn't more of it; it produced very little that wasn't fantastic, and almost nothing that wasn't at least pretty damn good. I imagine some unused 30th tooling/figures/concepts will find their way into the Retaliation line, and I am sure we'll see much of this tooling again.

Pursuit of Cobra Wave 5? 6? THE ONE WITH STEEL BRIGADE ARGH

So I guess I never reviewed the Shock Trooper? I bought like 8 of them but never reviewed 'em. Not sure what's wrong with me. Anyway, it's turned out to be a seriously versatile base tooling, wonderfully articulated, and of course, a shit ton of accessories. So here are some terrible pictures of them.









I actually really love the gasmask/helmet combo, I just wish it was sturdier.
LBAM Rating: 9.1/10
Nitpick: HOLSTERS GODDAMMIT. Several flavors of turtle viper came with holsters, but not these guys? BOO.

Cobra Commander

I like it when Cobra Commander classes it up a little, ya know? Capes, scepters, staves...in fact, I'd even enjoy it if he had a little orb and a crown, like he was sitting for an official portrait. That said, I feel like this CC is an interesting mix of classy and action-ready...battefield chic, if you will. The jacket has an armored feel to it that I appreciate.



Not entirely sure what the deal is with all those sculpted straps

Ohmygod why is this review so boring. DIE NERD.

Well, I suppose I can't help it. No matter what you do at this point with a Cobra Commander figure, it's probably not going to be the most thrilling in any wave. His look is so ingrained at this point that the Nerd Horde will scream bloody murder if you change it too much (look at the largely-superior-to-this versions that preceded this and how warmly they were received as CC) and this sort of hand-cuffs the designers. I think they did the best they could to bring some new elements in while also staying true to the original. Blah blah blah.

I love the impulse with these PoC figures to absolutely load them down with accessories, but let's take an honest look at these; none of them are new, sure, all of them have appeared before, mostly with other CC figures. What is the point of including the two M.A.S.S. Device related pieces, the cube and the cylinder? The bomb, I guess some folks missed that, the dagger and sword are always nice, the hair dryer gun...can we get CC a new weapon, please? I love the impulse, as I said, but I like the accessory choices to make more sense than this, or to bring something new. Oh and the cloak, which really doesn't fit well on this particular CC, given the wide collar. I do dig the sculpted ascot, though I'd like it more with paint apps.

LBAM Rating: 6.5/10

Cobra Soldier

I never thought I'd be all that excited over a new version of the ol' Cobra blueshirt. I mean, how exciting can one be?

GUNS UP, LET'S DO THIS THING.

Turns out, more exciting than I thought. You throw the W3 Snake-Eyes tooling together with the Shock Trooper, and you'd be hard pressed NOT to get something awesome. I think they did a pretty decent job here, and I say that as a guy who is a bigger fan of the various flavors of Viper than I am the basic trooper.

However, this has got to be the first time a blueshirt is capable of assuming a decent firing pose with a Marauder Inc Dragunov,

EUREKA.

Is there any reason these new wrists shouldn't be standard on almost every figure? No? Good. MAKE IT SO.

He doesn't look bad with other weapons, either.
LBAM Rating: 8.2/10. I could build a squad of these, but at the same time, they don't fill me with the same desire to do so as the Alley Viper or Shock Trooper.

Jungle B.A.T.

This is a figure that doesn't make a lot of sense to me, especially in the Jungle theme as so far established. You've got stealth-suited snipers and a dreadlocked bow-hunting/edged weapon freak...and you're gonna support them with a stupid loud robot and a giant minigun?

I didn't even get a good picture of the B.A.T. holding the minigun because its hands are so soft and warped, and the handles so soft and warped from the packaging, that mine can barely hold the damn gun. And frankly this figure isn't exciting enough to be worth the trouble. Blah. Yeah, its got a shit ton of accessories, but his mangled hands can't hold most of them. Also...WHY IS ITS HEAD PAINTED BLACK? The underside of both heads appear to be green...this indicates that its been painted black, right? Why isn't it green?

Don't let this pic fool you; those hands dropped that AK and machete as soon as I blew on them.

LBAM Rating: 4/10. Easily, for me, the lowpoint of the PoC line (aside from straight re-releases like Croc Master and Blowtorch, which can still be redeemed with their running changes).
This is the filler-est figure of what's mainly...mainly, I say...a filler wave. Fail.

General Hawk

I'm definitely more a fan of Joes than I am of Cobras, and I've been really pleased throughout PoC with how many of the looks incorporate instantly recognizable traits of the character with new touches that make them interesting and memorable. I think this new General Hawk easily qualifies - the helmet, goggles, shoulder holster, all major components of Hawk's look. I know there are some who probably prefer the 1982 green-shirt Hawk, but I've always preferred the bomber jacket (though frankly, changing his hair color was really dumb), and I'd prefer if this Hawk was blonde).

The versatile and understated color scheme doesn't really constrict this figure to any particular environment or theme. I dig the Resolute webgear...one of the best facets of the Resolute sets was the fantastic webgear and I'm glad to see it getting re-used.

If the nerd keeps writing this as though it were a serious review, and doesn't include some funny captions,
I swear to Christ I'll blow up this fucking suitcase bomb. I'll do it.
What do I have to live for? In almost 30 years and half a dozen goddamn continuities, have you ever seen me get laid? Huh?
Do I have kids? Do I even have a fucking hobby? Do I like anything besides killing terrorists? Am I just that kind of asshole?
In the new IDW comic it sure seems like I might get to nail that Dial-Tone chick, though. That'd be sweet. I love nerd girls with glasses.
Longest caption ever? Longest caption ever.

Once again, Hawk makes empty threats about going out to the Chaplain's Assistant school, closing his eyes, and pulling the triggers until they go click. Hawk hates those book-reading, chess playing, tea-drinking namby pambies almost as much as he hates Cobra.

Once again, while I love the big spread of gear, some of it is a bit random, I suppose. I sure am glad that Resolute Destro suitcase is back. The movie Hawk rifle is decent but there's not even a little chance that this Hawk can hold it. The sidearm he's been given sucks and is being replaced by a Marauder Inc., piece, post-haste.
LBAM Rating: 8/10. A good figure, not a great one. But solid, and fits well in the PoC aesthetic. May very well work better for other people as not-Hawk. Grunt, anyone? A headswap makes Footloose? Just idle thoughts.

Steel Brigade

Review in 10 words or less:

Steel Brigade is fucking awesome. If you disagree, you're wrong.

Note the missing paint around the kneepad on this one. Third PoC figure I've gotten with missing paint apps - W3 Duke, Temple Snakes, this guy. Whatever. He's still awesome.

LBAM Rating: Awesome/10. This is what SMART reuse of parts and repainting can bring to the line. Every time some neckbeard whines about repaints and part-swaps I am just gonna link to this here post, which is all the evidence I need to show that they are wrong. Steel Brigade is probably the third best Joe figure in this line after Snake-Eyes and Low-Light and there isn't a new part on him; Shock Trooper arms and legs+Pit Trooper Helmet+Beachhead torso and head+Shocktrooper vest+assorted gear=AWESOME.

That wraps it up. May get to some other reviews in the coming days. May not. It's really a crapshoot.